Little Poem...

I can be mischievious, and mysterious.
I will lie or be brutally honest.
I won't let them get ahold of me,
And I'll hold my ground.
What hides in me,
Crawls in my mind,
Are dirty thoughts,
Opinions and
Images of beautiful faces.
Faces of lovers,
Companions,
And faces of betrayal.
I have been strong from my weakness.
I have been a monster,
A lover, mistress, and a heart.
I have been changing, growing
And discovering.
This is who I have been
The future holds what I will become.
~SRN

Life has been better in these past few months. My misery, my boughts of insanity, still have a grip on me, however, I can escape it and find room to be happy.

This Family is Going to Hell.

I'm running in mental circles again. I feel that by calling myself a bisexual, I gave myself a big confusing definition of myself. Maybe I'm just sick of men currently and I need to wait for things to cool down so I can have my greedy identity back. I don't know why I'm so discontent. My ex has given up fleeing this city to stay with me (because I won't leave my cat behind), he has been giving me the intimacy I have been craving and he has been more respectable towards me (though I have been handing him control. I sort of want to be obedient, but then again, I can be very headstrong, moreso sexually). I doubt my psychiatrist can understand a females mind to actually help me. From the Psychiatry museum, I'm actually sort of afraid he will sexually assualt me. Oddly enough, I don't fear that soully from men, because women have done it to me as well. Anti-sexual-sounds like a plan.

My birthday turned out pretty good. I went to a clinic incase I did have a whore illness. The lady saw nothing (she took a long time looking at samples). I was fine with the vaginal probing, but the anal probing was far from my cup of tea (bloody freaking horror. One more speculum exam this year and all may be good. That would make it 5 times. Sick).
My sister and I wandered around for awhile. Went to the stripclub by my house and filled out an application. I was really surprised that I got an interview so fast and botched my chances of getting hired. I felt so self conscious afterwards looking over all the flaws he could have seen right off the bat. Uhg. I wasn't too pleased with myself.
I went out with my ex for dinner, and afterwards, we went to his favorite club. The night was lovely. When we were heading home, he felt ill so I said some familiar, humourous quotes in hopes of making him feel better. He started to cry, which turned out to be from laughing too hard.
Our weekend went nicely, though I was really bummed out to miss the Naughty But Nice Sex Show. I was waiting months to go, but gave up due to thinking I would be broke. I had plenty of money to go and my friends informed of how enjoyable it was. There's always next year, I keep telling myself (I have been telling myself this since last year). Once I get my nipples pierced, that should make up for it. Next period (I'll be grouchy anyway and it helps that I won't be having sex during that time either. I don't want any accidental agitation just incase I get bad swelling or something. I don't know what to expect either way).

I hate my father. He keeps informing me of the continuous deterioration of my grandparents. I love them so much and felt like they actually cared about me while I was growing up (where it was hard to find love at home because I was the oldest, the dumb one, and the troublemaker). I do not want to hear that they look like skeletons, that my grandma's cancer is back, that my grandpa has lost a lot of control over his body movements (from his stroke). I may like pain, but it's physical pain that I get off on, that I actually enjoy. I hate emotional pain because it hurts more and for longer periods of time. He seems to really enjoy watching me squirm and cry (negitive, non-consensual sadism that only he can benefit from).
He is also getting really cruel with his "jokes" (they aren't jokes, they never were and they are getting worse). My sister told me he made an AIDS crack at a lesbian who was on the news, who died and no one laughed but him (oh...she didn't died of AIDS either). He is probably afraid my sister is gay, and since their relationship is worse than it ever was, he had nothing good to say, and couldn't keep his ill-mannered comment to himself. I would have said something if I was there. My family is falling apart, but there wasn't a strong glue or bond holding any of us together (my sister is the only one who can get along with two members and occationally our mother, while I can only deal with her-meaning my sister-and rarely feel like stabbing her with an icepick).
I'm so miserable in this house, I just can't wait to leave.

Instinctively a Bad Girl.

I have been travelling.
Sexually awkward in Halifax and feeling a physical constant agitation which nearly brought me to tears (until I caved in the shower). There was plenty good in my trip, but it hid under my pain and this pathetic dependance I have formed for an individual I am way too confused over. I saw my girlie again which was something I needed.
LA was a mish-mash of emotions and has driven me further into a hole of who I am. I was irritable due to PMS, the heat made things worse, but for the first few days I was decent. Then I was alone, sexually frustrated and feeling less myself.
I had a dream that I took for reality (therefore I had no control over it). I was fooling around with a friend of mine, and it felt so natural. I was hardly worried about hurting my ex and I felt good. I tried to keep the fantasy going throughout the week because too much negitivity formed. I would rest and see their eyes and feel their skin. Being plagued with my rag, I couldn't enjoy intimacy because menstration isn't sexy or enjoyable.
Men harassed men fairly often which bothered me (especially wondering around a big city, with a high crime rate, alone). I didn't exist to females, even in the gay community (which was where my ex and I stayed for the first few nights). There where several attractive women around us and I felt so ugly. My ex was rather pleased with all the appealing women.
I hate the sun and the heat. I hate sweating night and day, scortching under the sun. Is the snow really so much better? I don't know, but I did miss my layers, my cat and my room. I love travelling, but sometimes I need to feel like I'm home.
I was also physically ill through this trip.

So I wish to pierce my nipples. I'm sort of afraid of the pain and how they might heal (more or less if they won't heal). I was thinking about making it a very painful birthday present to myself. Then I can cry over physical pain or happiness from my own feat rather than silly miserable emotions. I'm not unhappy, persay. Just feeling negitive, but it's definately due to my birthday. I do not care for getting older, it doesn't bother me. I hate fake well wishers, my family and how I have to dictate a day I wish to stay in bed. It seems my ex will be joining me for dinner and maybe going to a club afterwards.

We all need to change ourselves once and awhile. Find a look that will bring us happiness, find a lifestyle more who we are. I am working on having more SM in my life because I do enjoy it. My ex doesn't care much for it, but I see his satisfaction when he whips me and I cringe or when I give him control over the food I eat. I have to ask him if I want to eat sweets and the first time I asked him he didn't remember, but caught on and said I was permitted to only eat the candy stick I asked him I could buy. It's kind of weird, but fun. I don't feel like I'm pigging out on junk food just because it's there. Lately I have been staring at some things I really want or not even noticing any of the junk food littering the cupboards in this house. I like it. I'm on the verdge of getting him to control my sex drive (whether or not I can actually masturbate, because he's starting to complain about that and I'm sure he would like to have sex whenever he pleases. I generally say no because I want to sleep and wake up just to go home the next day). Since we had some differences on our trip, I decided not to say anything.

Ugh. I'm going to trek to the store to send out a gift I bought for my girlie, see how much money I have (and get some out for tomorrow night). I should work on finishing high school and a letter to ship across Canada.
(More seneless garbage to come)