Instinctively a Bad Girl.

I have been travelling.
Sexually awkward in Halifax and feeling a physical constant agitation which nearly brought me to tears (until I caved in the shower). There was plenty good in my trip, but it hid under my pain and this pathetic dependance I have formed for an individual I am way too confused over. I saw my girlie again which was something I needed.
LA was a mish-mash of emotions and has driven me further into a hole of who I am. I was irritable due to PMS, the heat made things worse, but for the first few days I was decent. Then I was alone, sexually frustrated and feeling less myself.
I had a dream that I took for reality (therefore I had no control over it). I was fooling around with a friend of mine, and it felt so natural. I was hardly worried about hurting my ex and I felt good. I tried to keep the fantasy going throughout the week because too much negitivity formed. I would rest and see their eyes and feel their skin. Being plagued with my rag, I couldn't enjoy intimacy because menstration isn't sexy or enjoyable.
Men harassed men fairly often which bothered me (especially wondering around a big city, with a high crime rate, alone). I didn't exist to females, even in the gay community (which was where my ex and I stayed for the first few nights). There where several attractive women around us and I felt so ugly. My ex was rather pleased with all the appealing women.
I hate the sun and the heat. I hate sweating night and day, scortching under the sun. Is the snow really so much better? I don't know, but I did miss my layers, my cat and my room. I love travelling, but sometimes I need to feel like I'm home.
I was also physically ill through this trip.

So I wish to pierce my nipples. I'm sort of afraid of the pain and how they might heal (more or less if they won't heal). I was thinking about making it a very painful birthday present to myself. Then I can cry over physical pain or happiness from my own feat rather than silly miserable emotions. I'm not unhappy, persay. Just feeling negitive, but it's definately due to my birthday. I do not care for getting older, it doesn't bother me. I hate fake well wishers, my family and how I have to dictate a day I wish to stay in bed. It seems my ex will be joining me for dinner and maybe going to a club afterwards.

We all need to change ourselves once and awhile. Find a look that will bring us happiness, find a lifestyle more who we are. I am working on having more SM in my life because I do enjoy it. My ex doesn't care much for it, but I see his satisfaction when he whips me and I cringe or when I give him control over the food I eat. I have to ask him if I want to eat sweets and the first time I asked him he didn't remember, but caught on and said I was permitted to only eat the candy stick I asked him I could buy. It's kind of weird, but fun. I don't feel like I'm pigging out on junk food just because it's there. Lately I have been staring at some things I really want or not even noticing any of the junk food littering the cupboards in this house. I like it. I'm on the verdge of getting him to control my sex drive (whether or not I can actually masturbate, because he's starting to complain about that and I'm sure he would like to have sex whenever he pleases. I generally say no because I want to sleep and wake up just to go home the next day). Since we had some differences on our trip, I decided not to say anything.

Ugh. I'm going to trek to the store to send out a gift I bought for my girlie, see how much money I have (and get some out for tomorrow night). I should work on finishing high school and a letter to ship across Canada.
(More seneless garbage to come)