Blah, holidays...

So December is near and I cannot wait until it is over. Every penny I've made has either gone to savings for rent, crap-mas presents or food. Ah, the price of getting old and accepting responcibilities and that crap...bleh...

Somebody has the keys to my heart! They are taking me swimming!! Eeeeeeeh!!! Is that good reason to propose?: "You took me to my happy place, I want to completely own you now...Bwahaha!!" I'd offer them my body if they weren't already essential to my prayers to my genitalia.

It takes a lot to realize that your life isn't even skimming the surface of bad. When you expect sexual assault, when you realize you can't trust outside of those you hold close to your heart, when you realize you're slipping deeper into insanity (schitzophrenia, psychosis, depression, disassociation, anxiety, and whatever else they informed me that is wrong) and it's mere scabs in comparison to the Hell others are forced to live with...life really doesn't look as bad as it did. I can't complain about my issues, I can't feel sorry for my petty issues. I'm lucky in a small unlucky way and need to just get over myself. Not doing so bad...Crazy is fine and easy to deal with if I never have kids.

Grr...I should sleep as I have quite the adventure ahead of me in the morning.

Soap Opera Life

If I had it in me to just take what I have at the end of the week and run, I probably would...that would also require me not to have any emotion what-so-ever. If I could forget who needs me, who loves me, who I love and need...
Right now, I feel like I'm a failure as I took off to make money and I'm going to be showing up with nothing but a break from a freezing Hell under my belt.
Everything around me is like my few female friends out heres Soap Opera. It's sometimes horribly acted out, the lies are transparent from the viewers standpoint and the drama never ceases. It could be fun to just step back and watch, but being so close to repulsion from one of the "characters" has made it more real. Please, just entertain me. I have realized from EVERYONE around me that the critters in my head are the very least of my worries, but interacting is getting to me. I only want to perk people up, not suffer through their miseries. I don't mind sharing a disturbing pornographic image at the expense of some soul less creature. It makes those who see it, and have been affected by said creature, smile. Making light of the dark. But having someone who is very close to me on a spiritual level crash...It was really hard playing strong infront of the soul less (I was about to cry with her, but that would have made things worse) because empathy for my spiritual counter-part almost won (it's ok to cry and feel, but when someone is using everyone and wants to destroy you, you cannot show weakness unless on safe ground: "Don't let them see you cry.").

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm upset by the people around me who I care about, who are suffering, and by my own emotions bringing me down over my own loved ones back home that I miss. This is a short trip for my sorta family back home, and so I can make it home to say good-bye to an old before they leave.

My cards told me it was ok for me to love you. It was ok to give myself to you. That the world is difficult, but strength to carry on, would float us to some stability. Why should I mumble nonsense to you; I miss you, dear (I love you terribly so, but will never admit it).

My ex wants me to move with him. I told him that I cannot give up my loved ones for him. Some things are more important than what used to be. If this ship sinks, I'm going with it. Why should I get out scott-free because someone who was both my savior and personal Hell is giving me a temporary get out of jail free card? If everyone I love is suffering, I'm going with them.

Bitter

Wow...I have met my share of horrible people. Right now, I'm trying not to beat the shit out of this girl for being the monster she is. Trying to calm down before I get to see her self-centered, hideous face again. The only person who actually was foolish enough to give a damn about this waste of flesh is realizing now that she was used. I thought I was a horrible fuck up/disappointment to the ones I love, but this soulless, greedy wretch has shown me I'm not as bad as I thought. I at least try to help people I care about. It was sickening to watch one girl drowning while her "best friend" couldn't even give her a place to stay (this "best friend" used her mother as an excuse so she could go and sleep at her pimps house. The only person to care about this wretch, she wouldn't help...). I know humans can be pretty wretched, but it is disturbing to see how low they can really go.
Now I wait for something horrible to happen to this wretch so I can feel better about the world. She definately has no one now.

I'm feeling rather ill, mostly from restraining myself and going to sleep angry. Also the difference in barometric pressure seems to have made me ill (dizzy, on the verge of throwing up, migraines and having to force food into myself due to my constant upset stomach).
Currently, I'd love a drink to calm me down a bit.

The movie "It" (1929 silent film) was on the other night. I love that movie, but it has made me sad and jealous of Clara Bow's character (only the character as Clara Bow had an awful life). Bleh...Oh well, a good distraction from the soap opera world around me is the thought of having a one and only. Or maybe I just miss sex (that sounds more like me).

One of my close friends is moving thousands of miles away. I have to make it home before his going away party, as I know I'm going to miss him and will regret getting to say goodbye. I really wish I could mentally handle his level of social butterfly. It exhausts me to deal with him after a long day when I want to be alone, curled up in bed, but I know my time with him is limited so I try my best to keep up.

Dancing Around Reality

Doesn't want to do it, but can get over herself long enough to be of actual use. When things just start getting good in areas that she has recently become incomfortable with, the world has to say no. No, you can't be comfortable, you can't give yourself to someone, we want to claim you as our pet and want to mistreat you. You can't feel that electricity, that spark, that overwhelming desire to be a one and only. Ok, you can desire it until you have to cry yourself to sleep, but your collapsing mind and the world want something else of you. Your insecurities fucked you over on this one, now we get to decide what to do with you. You're not a child anymore, and haven't been one for quite some time. Doesn't mean you really get to be anything you want to be. Get up, and do as you are told without crying or complaining. You are a product and must look appropriate if you want to make yourself in anyway useful. It's not the end of the world and there are less fortunate than you, so be happy for whatever we give you.
.........
I babble on about you, as though we are in a honeymoon phase. Something that went unnoticed until everywhere I went reminded me more of you than all the memories that were laid in place before you. The flaws you have go unnoticed, or seem unimportant if I ever do meet them. Maybe I am being rediculously foolish, but I'm terrified of losing you.
.........
I have to get ready for lunch. I'd rather stay home and get things done, but as time begins to disapear between my fingers, the pressure to get it all done will be of some use. Might forget some much needed socks and underwear, as I always forget something (no matter how throrough I make and go over my list).

Naked Powers Used for EVIL!

Halloween was splendid! If I had a list for the perfect halloween, it was pretty damn close. My friend scared me in the morning as I had my headphones in (listening to music as I was too frisky and impatient for a movie) and didn't hear them come to bed.
The night was full of walking around in bandages (as Leeloo), shoeless as my character (good case of dirty feet the next day), chatting with strangers along the whole 5th floor and the one room on the 7th, wearing my wine/whiskey (whatever time of night it happened to be) and eventually some mashed potatoes as I violently beat them with a fork for the LATE party dinner. Mmm...Turkey dinner. I went trick-or-treating for wine, candy necklaces and cigarettes and was kinda sorta spoiled. Oh well, it's my pretend birthday so it works for me.
After seeing a pretty awesome place for a pool (the roof of an apartment building), the police showed up at the door. Somehow I'm not terrified of them while pissed off my rocker wearing thin strips of tensor across my body. To my knowledge, I chatted politely with them, appologizing for my buddy and agreeing to their requests...them promptly freaking out after they left. Eek, police!
I headed out and my broke, pretty slutty (with the boots and pimpesque jacket on) ass made it to my friends house from some skeezy taxi driver (my aunt says I'm lucky not to have been assaulted, as helping poor little lost girls has given them advantages in horrible ways. Can't trust ANYONE these days. Not good for my paranioa and lack of regard for my body).
The Doukhobor in me, fueled by my cocktail of random alcohol sloshing around inside of me, decided to give either a trick or treat (depends on personal opinion of course) to my friend and his two buddies and reverted to Leeloo, pre-bandages. I don't like wearing clothes and I'm terribly comfortable around my friend...Apparently, that was rather cruel of me in a way I didn't ever really think possible. I feel like a scary monster...but not an ugly one according to second-hand information. Rawr!

Pretty damn happy to have music in my life again. I want a stable job to make me more useful and so I can actually go out with friends. I miss shows (preferably when I have a ride to a safe place afterwards) with friends. I miss a lot of things...feeling pretty dead as of late.