~...Dysmorphophobia...~

Blah, holidays...

2010-11-25T06:12:00.002-03:00

So December is near and I cannot wait until it is over. Every penny I've made has either gone to savings for rent, crap-mas presents or food. Ah, the price of getting old and accepting responcibilities and that crap...bleh...

Somebody has the keys to my heart! They are taking me swimming!! Eeeeeeeh!!! Is that good reason to propose?: "You took me to my happy place, I want to completely own you now...Bwahaha!!" I'd offer them my body if they weren't already essential to my prayers to my genitalia.

It takes a lot to realize that your life isn't even skimming the surface of bad. When you expect sexual assault, when you realize you can't trust outside of those you hold close to your heart, when you realize you're slipping deeper into insanity (schitzophrenia, psychosis, depression, disassociation, anxiety, and whatever else they informed me that is wrong) and it's mere scabs in comparison to the Hell others are forced to live with...life really doesn't look as bad as it did. I can't complain about my issues, I can't feel sorry for my petty issues. I'm lucky in a small unlucky way and need to just get over myself. Not doing so bad...Crazy is fine and easy to deal with if I never have kids.

Grr...I should sleep as I have quite the adventure ahead of me in the morning.

Soap Opera Life

2010-11-24T06:14:00.002-03:00

If I had it in me to just take what I have at the end of the week and run, I probably would...that would also require me not to have any emotion what-so-ever. If I could forget who needs me, who loves me, who I love and need...
Right now, I feel like I'm a failure as I took off to make money and I'm going to be showing up with nothing but a break from a freezing Hell under my belt.
Everything around me is like my few female friends out heres Soap Opera. It's sometimes horribly acted out, the lies are transparent from the viewers standpoint and the drama never ceases. It could be fun to just step back and watch, but being so close to repulsion from one of the "characters" has made it more real. Please, just entertain me. I have realized from EVERYONE around me that the critters in my head are the very least of my worries, but interacting is getting to me. I only want to perk people up, not suffer through their miseries. I don't mind sharing a disturbing pornographic image at the expense of some soul less creature. It makes those who see it, and have been affected by said creature, smile. Making light of the dark. But having someone who is very close to me on a spiritual level crash...It was really hard playing strong infront of the soul less (I was about to cry with her, but that would have made things worse) because empathy for my spiritual counter-part almost won (it's ok to cry and feel, but when someone is using everyone and wants to destroy you, you cannot show weakness unless on safe ground: "Don't let them see you cry.").

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm upset by the people around me who I care about, who are suffering, and by my own emotions bringing me down over my own loved ones back home that I miss. This is a short trip for my sorta family back home, and so I can make it home to say good-bye to an old before they leave.

My cards told me it was ok for me to love you. It was ok to give myself to you. That the world is difficult, but strength to carry on, would float us to some stability. Why should I mumble nonsense to you; I miss you, dear (I love you terribly so, but will never admit it).

My ex wants me to move with him. I told him that I cannot give up my loved ones for him. Some things are more important than what used to be. If this ship sinks, I'm going with it. Why should I get out scott-free because someone who was both my savior and personal Hell is giving me a temporary get out of jail free card? If everyone I love is suffering, I'm going with them.

Bitter

2010-11-20T17:18:00.003-03:00

Wow...I have met my share of horrible people. Right now, I'm trying not to beat the shit out of this girl for being the monster she is. Trying to calm down before I get to see her self-centered, hideous face again. The only person who actually was foolish enough to give a damn about this waste of flesh is realizing now that she was used. I thought I was a horrible fuck up/disappointment to the ones I love, but this soulless, greedy wretch has shown me I'm not as bad as I thought. I at least try to help people I care about. It was sickening to watch one girl drowning while her "best friend" couldn't even give her a place to stay (this "best friend" used her mother as an excuse so she could go and sleep at her pimps house. The only person to care about this wretch, she wouldn't help...). I know humans can be pretty wretched, but it is disturbing to see how low they can really go.
Now I wait for something horrible to happen to this wretch so I can feel better about the world. She definately has no one now.

I'm feeling rather ill, mostly from restraining myself and going to sleep angry. Also the difference in barometric pressure seems to have made me ill (dizzy, on the verge of throwing up, migraines and having to force food into myself due to my constant upset stomach).
Currently, I'd love a drink to calm me down a bit.

The movie "It" (1929 silent film) was on the other night. I love that movie, but it has made me sad and jealous of Clara Bow's character (only the character as Clara Bow had an awful life). Bleh...Oh well, a good distraction from the soap opera world around me is the thought of having a one and only. Or maybe I just miss sex (that sounds more like me).

One of my close friends is moving thousands of miles away. I have to make it home before his going away party, as I know I'm going to miss him and will regret getting to say goodbye. I really wish I could mentally handle his level of social butterfly. It exhausts me to deal with him after a long day when I want to be alone, curled up in bed, but I know my time with him is limited so I try my best to keep up.

Dancing Around Reality

2010-11-11T14:10:00.003-03:00

Doesn't want to do it, but can get over herself long enough to be of actual use. When things just start getting good in areas that she has recently become incomfortable with, the world has to say no. No, you can't be comfortable, you can't give yourself to someone, we want to claim you as our pet and want to mistreat you. You can't feel that electricity, that spark, that overwhelming desire to be a one and only. Ok, you can desire it until you have to cry yourself to sleep, but your collapsing mind and the world want something else of you. Your insecurities fucked you over on this one, now we get to decide what to do with you. You're not a child anymore, and haven't been one for quite some time. Doesn't mean you really get to be anything you want to be. Get up, and do as you are told without crying or complaining. You are a product and must look appropriate if you want to make yourself in anyway useful. It's not the end of the world and there are less fortunate than you, so be happy for whatever we give you.
.........
I babble on about you, as though we are in a honeymoon phase. Something that went unnoticed until everywhere I went reminded me more of you than all the memories that were laid in place before you. The flaws you have go unnoticed, or seem unimportant if I ever do meet them. Maybe I am being rediculously foolish, but I'm terrified of losing you.
.........
I have to get ready for lunch. I'd rather stay home and get things done, but as time begins to disapear between my fingers, the pressure to get it all done will be of some use. Might forget some much needed socks and underwear, as I always forget something (no matter how throrough I make and go over my list).

Naked Powers Used for EVIL!

2010-11-03T04:27:00.004-03:00

Halloween was splendid! If I had a list for the perfect halloween, it was pretty damn close. My friend scared me in the morning as I had my headphones in (listening to music as I was too frisky and impatient for a movie) and didn't hear them come to bed.
The night was full of walking around in bandages (as Leeloo), shoeless as my character (good case of dirty feet the next day), chatting with strangers along the whole 5th floor and the one room on the 7th, wearing my wine/whiskey (whatever time of night it happened to be) and eventually some mashed potatoes as I violently beat them with a fork for the LATE party dinner. Mmm...Turkey dinner. I went trick-or-treating for wine, candy necklaces and cigarettes and was kinda sorta spoiled. Oh well, it's my pretend birthday so it works for me.
After seeing a pretty awesome place for a pool (the roof of an apartment building), the police showed up at the door. Somehow I'm not terrified of them while pissed off my rocker wearing thin strips of tensor across my body. To my knowledge, I chatted politely with them, appologizing for my buddy and agreeing to their requests...them promptly freaking out after they left. Eek, police!
I headed out and my broke, pretty slutty (with the boots and pimpesque jacket on) ass made it to my friends house from some skeezy taxi driver (my aunt says I'm lucky not to have been assaulted, as helping poor little lost girls has given them advantages in horrible ways. Can't trust ANYONE these days. Not good for my paranioa and lack of regard for my body).
The Doukhobor in me, fueled by my cocktail of random alcohol sloshing around inside of me, decided to give either a trick or treat (depends on personal opinion of course) to my friend and his two buddies and reverted to Leeloo, pre-bandages. I don't like wearing clothes and I'm terribly comfortable around my friend...Apparently, that was rather cruel of me in a way I didn't ever really think possible. I feel like a scary monster...but not an ugly one according to second-hand information. Rawr!

Pretty damn happy to have music in my life again. I want a stable job to make me more useful and so I can actually go out with friends. I miss shows (preferably when I have a ride to a safe place afterwards) with friends. I miss a lot of things...feeling pretty dead as of late.

Babbling in the Rain

2010-10-04T01:23:00.002-04:00

I wonder if many people have dreams that take place in the same strange locations as previous dreams? Places one has never been to before in real life, and the dream is completely different, it just uses the same locations. Like continuing waking life, same surroundings, different day. The dreams I had today (as I assume they were too different dreams) took place in such recycled places. One was in this weird house which always starts off extravagant, kind of empty, the windows open with storm clouds outside, the wind blowing the curtains. There's always some kind of gathering, like a party, but not really as festive. Then by the end of the dream, the house is disgusting and eerie, the people seemingly have gone home or sleeping around like a crack den. This dream had one of my girlfriends boyfriends, who I don't know all that well. I think I was clinging to him for safety or some form of comfort. He didn't seem pleased with me being there, but I can only assume I was lost or trapped there and was hoping for his help. I wandered around aimlessly a lot for the whole dream. It was like being at a bad party on acid and having no where to go to just get it all out of your system, to feel comfortable. Don't care much to see that house again.

The next dream was in some odd little gypsy/hippy camp (new location), where I was living with animals, which were ALL illegal (as in, no animal was allowed anywhere else, otherwise it would be killed), and a lot of random people I didn't know. Someone I'm really close to was a bird...Duh, that's how they have lived in so many different places! Jeeze, how foolish was I to assume they just kinda traveled in human forms of transportation. Haha, their friend was a possum...doesn't this all just make so much sense? Also the fact that I have no problems whatsoever communicating with these animals, because, you know, they were people once. I didn't see this as a dream at all...wow. I don't remember when my friend turned into a rat, but I know it was so that I could hide them better (why can't they just turn back into a human so we can go shopping without me having to hide them in my clothes?). So, I was driving some van with my critter friend, when I was stopped by the patrolmen who were keeping an eye out on animals...I was surprisingly calm with a rat up my peasant-like skirt. I made it to the fleamarket with no other issues (the market was in two different dreams. One where I was infatuated with a girl and wanted to buy her something to show my affections. Another where a girl and I are getting supplies for the zombie appocalyse. Two locations kinda smooshed together). Eyes were on me as I wandered around for something of actual interest. A patrolman asked what I was looking for (maybe noticed I was muttering insanely to myself...My friend tucked in my sleeve) and I searched my head for something and came up with Ani Difranco. "Oh, try over there." I believe I was about to get into trouble as I think someone had one of those creepy see EVERYTHING under the clothes x-rays in handheld form and they were about to see the shapeshifting loved one I was smugging around with me. I watched another animal slaughtered...I didn't want to watch my dear friend die...luckily I woke up, and they are human and I feel a whole lot of crazy.

And I'm guessing I'm supposed to figure these out? Yeah, good luck. I can remember so many parts to so many dreams...decoding all the warped little adventures I go on would take awhile.

Much better than a man's voice whispering "hey" to wake you up, and you find out you're the only one home...then hear about a car crash and fear the worst.

Thankfully, it was probably just Eddie. He doesn't like how I told him to leave me alone, so my door opens a lot, all on it's own, the house locked up (no windows or doors open, or anyone else awake or home)...I made peace with him lastnight, saying I missed him, and liked him much better than the idiots, the wastes of human flesh, downstairs. Seriously, I felt safer in the basement of a house in a REALLY shitty community, all alone in the house except for animals and the hangedman, than I do here. Strangers at all hours of the day (mostly night), walking into our yard. Some hopping up on out deck. That was merely to steal recycleables, but they were on our fucking deck! Not an easy, single person climb, and the bushes make the fall or getting down in a hurry, quite unpleasant.

I miss the feeling of being attracted to someone. It's thrilling and awkward and makes me feel dizzy and I'm incapable of creating sentences. I blush, moronically, when they talk to me, feeling sick and pathetic once they walk away, confused. I miss the excitement and complete fear of going out with the person, casually. The hope of them noticing me, of maybe finding my incoherent babbling around them, inticing. "Do I stand out? Am I attractive in their beautiful eyes? Does their heart hurt, their insides feel just as sick, when they see me? Ugh! Why must I feel this way?!"
I hope only to feel infatuated. I never want to attempt to claim them as my own, bestow my love and affection on them. I'd rather have my childish attraction then invest in another broken heart, or to be just another game.

You cried so deeply over me. I never knew you really cared. I could have had such beauty, but I was seduced by what was wrong for me, as is always the case. I do love you terribly, and I regret what I have lost.

*sigh* Time to rest, if I can. Want to accomplish somethings tomorrow before the lazy kicks in.

Running Nucking Futs.

2010-10-03T05:25:00.004-04:00

Don't you just hate it when you live with someone who can't afford their keep? I know, annoying! Fuck, I've turned into that person. Because of random work, I got used to money coming in last minute to save the day. Now I should really get my ass in gear and attempt normal people living...which requires at least something sort of normal for a job. Some neato modeling gigs, creative stuff, some creepy stuff...at least I'm looking. I wouldn't mind something flexible so I can go out of town or help out some friends with their projects.

There's one Hell of a story running amok in my head. Nothing I should publicly announce, but it was like being abducted by aliens...sorta. Late at night, makes you feel sick inside when you find out that it's not a dream...probes...hahahaha, not really (at least I hope not. That makes me feel much worse at that thought). It would make a good story for an M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong (as I'm too lazy to look up the accurate spelling) movie. "What a twist!" Someone would have to be a psychotic killer, and it would be WAY too easy for me to name who (not me, surprisingly). Still getting random information...still deeply confused...really happy I'm not waking up to it anymore though...

You kinda just put on your crazy face and ran with it and everyone saw it as normal. Kudos. I want to make money off your insanity as mine surely cannot compare.
Another note on crazy; fuck, I hate drunk me. It's like your mind stays home in bed while your body is rented out to the nuthouse (or someone who really shouldn't have control of a body). I used to remember EVERYTHING, now it's just moods and the basic events of the night (which comes in handy for finding a safe place to crash). Luckily, I haven't been drinking much at all anymore. Throwing punches at my ex-boss because I've been drugged and made over-intoxicated is one thing (one pretty bad thing)...being a cold heartless bitch is another. I do naturally push people away (it's from being a loner who's sick of being hurt and from having loved the wrong person who convinced me no one actually cared about me, no one is actually my friend. Yeah, try that one on for 4 years. I really need to rip him a new one for that if I'm choosing to associate with him again. Dreadful fucker)...I've done some horrible things, said or thought of some horrible things, about almost everyone I love.
Back to the drawing board...This model needs an update if it should be successful.

Bah, I'm sick of obsessing over sleep, I'm sick of waking up like a grumpy bear and I'm sick of the lazy streak. I have a cat who's on his last strands of happy with me...It's really late...I have some jobs to apply for in the sunny part of the day and need to get ready to embrace some money, yay! (Me being hopeful, as though a job will just point to me and say that I complete it...also because I'm thrifty and have bags of goodies to sell.)

Random Jumble Before Good Radio Listening...

2010-09-22T02:35:00.002-04:00

Firstly, I had a little relapse in the mental health department. Feeling much better after the fact. Always helps to let a little insanity out in small bursts...I think. Definately need to let it all out as it's eating away at me and I'm destroying my relationships with others when I let it out unknowingly.
Secondly, I don't want to remove the only form of contraception that has worked for me. I kinda want to just disapear and never go to the appointment to remove it (2 more years). Hurt a lot to go in, fear taking it out...It's my safety net with random bouts of pain.
Thirdly, "I'm so mad at myself, I don't want to talk to myself or look at my face in the mirror." Haha, odd little quote I wrote myself. When you are so used to hiding away from people, you kinda get sick of your own shit.

Radio is driving me nuts. FM doesn't seem to work in the house, AM is loud and clear...The one show I've decided to listen to until Coast to Coast AM comes on, is infuriating. Fun to listen to while running around the city with nothing to say to the other person in the car. Not so much while trying to paint cards for friends. The opera is nice though. Seems random and not like what is actually on the radio.

Living in my head, in my dreams. It's nice as life is more interesting for me (this coming from someone who lives in an odd little world to begin with). Definately helps with the going to sleep issue. I have to make up things that will never happen, because they never will happen. It could just be forsight or wishful dreaming...yeah...weird...natter natter...Creepy.

Ooh, time to go...yay!

Feeling Rotten

2010-09-15T13:00:00.003-04:00

I look and feel like I'm rotting away. Legs are purple, blue, red & white, with bruises that have their own colour. Carrying home groceries earlier felt like someone was dragging from behind me. No idea why, or nothing that really makes complete sense. Maybe I need a routine to follow for once. Randomly wandering around the city at all hours of the day and night, sleeping when my brain finally wears itself out...not the best routine to have. My mind cuts out mid-sentence and I start mumbling nonsense when I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

Men must cry a lot as I have caught many crying. It's really odd. While I was heading to the grocery store, I ran into the young annoying guy from downstairs. He had tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn't sure where he was going, but he was trying to avoid me. He asked for a cigarette, I told him no. I asked if he was ok (stupid girl, keep walking! Be heartless!), "yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me." I got outside. Walked to the steps, paused, when to the window and knocked (something I never figured I would do myself, like the random people who show up at all hours). I gave him a cigarette and continued walking. I'm a sucker for man tears, probably because they are so confusing. Of course it's not that strange to see a skrawny, 18 year old (I think), try-hard "tough" guy cry. I could beat this little shit up if I wanted to. However, this older guy I once knew, made of muscle, scary looking monster if you weren't on his good side. He injured himself and I, of course, was the only one to see him cry.
And women are the fairer sex, how? We cry, of course, but it seems like we are just like men in our own special way, but better at a lot of things. I'd go on, but I just like leaving in there. :)

Ah, what an odd day. Had a lovely discussion with my ex. It was actually pretty upbeat and enjoyable for the both of us. People aren't happy that I'm talking to him again, but I can't just leave him high and dry. I don't view him in a sexual way at all. So I still find him handsome, but there's a mental block keeping me from even wanting to see him naked. I just really missed having him as my friend. We are disgusting, weird, fucked up, childish and the words flow out. Everytime I try to socialize with people I've lost touch with, I think of things to say and shut myself down. They don't care about your random thoughts or adventures or things they have never even heard of. I open my mouth, and then close it and look away as though I'm with a stranger. My ex and I are annoying and disturbed and trained in the ways of each others random nerdiness. 1st edition William S. Burroughs! Yay me! He was the only one who understood. I even enjoyed the envy, like a spoiled child on the verge of smacking me and running away with it. He's like my fraternal twin who got more of the depression while I got more of the crazy. Bwahahaha!!
Yes, I'm pathetic for caving and forgiving and washing away all the hard feelings. Oh well. I will have no one to cry to if or when he hurts me again. It's my own fault. But then he loses me, and I'm frickin' awesome...sometimes.

Halloween!!!! It's raining outside and I want to go dance in it! I'm trying not to get all excited for Halloween if I'm just going to sit around in my crappy homemade costume, drinking and watching horror movies alone...again. Last year was my first time going to party since grade 11 and it was awful. I was followed around like some bratty child, even though I hid alone outside (and may have badgered some drunk guy from the party next door who walked over to pee by the balcony I was on) 95% of the night. This year though, my fake hubby *giggles* (even if it was just some random drunk rambling, it's nice to pretend to be normal and think marriage is something I could do...I'm not expecting anything from him) wants me to do make-up for him. Maybe he will invite me to something that he will be going to. Then I could have plans! I would have made something people will actually see that isn't my quilt worn as a skirt. Or the one of my random print t-shirts. Then I could get some critique, until people are too hammered and hoping that Leeloo's boobs pop out. Otherwise, I'm sure I could amuse myself. It's a pretty spiffy holiday for things I like to do...*more evil laughter*

Good mood, yes...
(If I could keep you alive, by any means, I would. Just too stupid and oddly egocentric to tell you when you needed to know.)

Odd...

2010-09-12T19:40:00.002-04:00

So happy I can delete posts.

Things have been entertaining. I've had a bartender give me his number and two other guys trying to get mine. I was helping my buddy clean houses and didn't dress to impress. The owner of the first house was home, which I find is awkward. At the end he asked for my number so we could go out for coffee. I stared at him like he asked me something in a foriegn language. Of course that probably didn't make him feel very good. What do you expect from someone like me?
Lastnight at a house party, I kept noticing some guy staring at me from across the table. The Jenga tower was between us so everytime I looked at the game, I could see him. He followed me around, chatted with me. When I came back from smoking, he hands me his phone and told me to put my number in it. I went to his notepad feature and wrote "no." He sat close to me when I was watching people play Crib and handed me a sheet with tic-tac-toe set up on it. After no one won, he wrote (area code)- - and a happy face. I wrote "brat" in where my number was meant to go. He drew a sad face and left the party.
In conclusion...I'm not looking for anyone, I am content. I barely can put the effort into a social life, let alone attempt dating strangers (well, dating in general, but sometimes it's easier if you know the person). Lately, people seem to have been drawn more to me and I hate it. By the looks of it, I'm covered if I do want a relationship.

Here's another fun issue; being social. Talking isn't coming easy to me. The party lastnight was mentally exhausting as I had to talk to strangers who were drunk and I was sober. I crashed in a bed upstairs and felt a sigh of relief to be alone. Of course, I wanted to be in my own bed, but one desire at a time. I hid the other night while out with one of my close buddies. It was a nice night out and all, I just found myself drunk and alone listening to music for a little while (happy until the alcohol hit my mind in a sour way).

Things have been pretty good, outside of the contagious depression that seems to be going around. Also doesn't help that I keep wanting to just relax with my cat, in my bed, and instead I get up and go everytime I'm invited out. Tonight should be good for that. Clean a little bit, listen to some radio, maybe read or write or something. Turn off my phone and just breathe.
I miss my roomies, but it is nice to just have some quiet time, alone at home.

My brain is shutting down it seems, so I think nattering has become more of a chore. Can't write anything of interest (well, I could paraphrase my deleted drunk rambling post), so best not write at all.
(I've slipped away from the rabbit hole as the madness was getting to me. It will find me and drag me back, as it always does. Greatful for the momentary escape...)

Has Caught the Blue Bug

2010-08-19T11:19:00.002-04:00

I don't feel very memorable. I could disapear and would be forgotten pretty fast.
Everyone is miserable or I can't find a way to communicate with anyone.
I've been having more migraines which makes work very difficult. Loud girls, bright lights (sorta, at least the one I'm stuck by), and not a whole Hell of a lot I can do about it. Having to be nice when I want to start screaming...
Awful sleep and the awful thoughts that keep me from it when I need to crash.
Feeling kinda lonely...
But whatever, things are entertaining for the most part and not really that horrible. Just a small contagious case of the blues.

Night Owl

2010-08-14T09:03:00.002-04:00

Firstly...I'd like to say I'm sorry about my kitty (to spare a loved one from the embarassment of being associated with me). And for him. I'm an awful parent...Fucking weird job. At least I'm not hoping for things to come my way and will have NORMAL people paychecks for once! Yay! Something normal! Uhg...two days left and I think I get a day off.

Secondly, I still have reason to believe I'm still in a coma (NOTE: I have never actually been in a coma, unless this is one right now. I can believe that). I can't explain the last 24hours of almost any day lately. Random exerpts: Psychic cigarette vendors, blood where blood should NEVER come from (and this has nothing to do with me. Though there was that one time I found blood all over a spatula and realized I cut myself..And that's why they make cutting boards, kids), having to explain to a friend that no one is getting slaughtered where I work (all the screaming!)...creepy stalker guys...It's tame when you only look at interesting things in a very vague way.
I told a girl that she is going to be flat like me yesterday. Nice and loud, rubbing my chest to show my nothingness. Join the club...she wasn't happy about that. Whatever, sucks to be a flat big girl, but awesome to be flat and thin. It works better, or something like that. I do have a mosquito bite on my right one which had my buddy excited to say "Now you have three!!" His body can be found in the lake.

So I hate this one girl. As I described this awful swamp beast earlier, it's like rolling over the next day and knowing your friends are fucking pissed at you to allow you to go home with...THAT. I do like having people to hate though as it makes me feel so much better looking...bad personality, ugliness grows on the outside. Great personality, beautiful. She was decent when I was last out here, but each day I'm stuck looking at her, she rots. It's really gross but kinda neato. So if I don't have time to think about my personal feelings towards myself because I'm furious with someone else, I can give myself a thumbs up in the "getting better" department. Good for the ego, having enemies.

I need someone to have an attraction to. Maybe it should be someone I could NEVER have so that it will last a long time. I miss that rush and that sick feeling, the stupid that-wasn't-even-a-sentence! conversations. I think the girl at 7-11 was flirting with me. Stupid boy should have come in with me to let me know if our banter was flirting. She let me know she was gay, but it was obvious and I'm friends with her friend so if I'm blind, I best be deaf too ("I want to hook you guys up"). Grr...Feeling pretty pathetic: "Oh, I'm going to be single forever, but I'm going to shop the fuck out of people around me."

Well, it is getting pretty late in the morning. Time to retire. Fuck, the cat doesn't even rip my hand open while I'm trying to sleep. Makes me miss my handsome bastard who prays to Robert Smith before cuddling with me like I'm the cat (mommies still love claws under the chin and behind the ears, right?). :'(

Randomness

2010-08-11T04:50:00.002-04:00

When I'm out of town, I don't use the computer as much, which is nice, though I only get it when no one is home or everyone is sleeping at my home which doesn't make it more often.

So things have been normal (aka things that are rediculously difficult to explain to normal people), which includes a brother-sister relationship with my ex (though he would rather consider me his dog because I'm reliable and the like...or just because he's an ass). Of course one of my close buddies is concerned that my weak heart or drunken self will do inappropriate things with my ex. My ex is concerned that I'll get emotionally involved with some guy friend of his that I have no interest in. If I talk to boys, apparently they will hurt me and I'm too weak to make my own decisions. Oh, the gender with the danglie-bits is so entertaining!
If none of them can tame me, then why should they try protecting me from other boys? The other boys need to learn not to play with someone who wants to hurt them. It is rediculous though, that regardless of my deminished attraction towards one silly boy, I can't say no to him (love him to pieces, but don't want to claim him as mine). I treat him like I would anyone else I care about...fuck I don't make sense in my own damn head most of the time, please do ignore me.

I've been bad...As is broken blood vessels on the eyelids (like ink splotches) and running on no sleep. Many great explainations why, but mostly because I want to. I spend so much time alone, sitting on the floor in my room trying to be creative and hoping for money to come my way or staring at a screen watching things I have no interest in. It's nice to escape once and awhile, sometimes with my lovely partner in crime (though the one I can do real bad things with is going to be back in my life real soon! Yay!). Out of town, away from old friends, being naughty with new friends I adore. I did realize that I'm a goodie two shoes when I know my limit (and alcohol only has a limit when it's coming back up, thus the ink blots I've been sporting...still need to figure that one out).

Travel and no playtime makes me a strange, sad little girl. Sitting in a little pub done up in posters and record covers(&records), staring at a young Elvis (looking more like Brando than Elvis), Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, Davie Bowie...Pretty...My buddy looking at me wondering what's ticking in my little head. I've been happier, which brings back my lovely sexdrive. The real sad part to this is that it has only been a week and a couple days without it. It has only felt like forever. Ugh, fucking pathetic. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by quite a few beautiful women, having a cute androgynous girl a 7-11 to flirt with (as my friend wants to hook us up...yeah, guys are easy, girls are difficult and as much as I'd love to, I'm terrified) and nothing I can do about my frustration. Ok, not nothing, but it's awkward in other peoples homes.

Lovely day wandering around town. From 12 o'clock this afternoon until about 6, I have pretty much been on my feet walking. I have blisters and my legs are sore (my nerves were vibrating when I sat down). It was worth it as most of the time was spent with an old friend of mine. Try for one more visit with each other before I head home...even though he might be moving back! Yay! I'm mean, sad for his relationship, sad for not being able to see him when I head out of town to my frequent haunt, but yay!
Fuck...If work is through here...then I won't see my buddies very often anymore. :'( No more crazy advetures and trekking along on the stupid Greyhound for the sake of the amazing people on either end. Yeah, because I didn't have enough problems trying to sleep, that I had to go out of my way to think and see things that are around the bend. Grr...

Going to attempt sleep (maybe with the assistance of a desireable sleep aid) as tomorrow is the beginning of 6 days straight of work.

Date With Duck Lips...

2010-07-21T09:43:00.003-04:00

Lovely name, right? Today I get to reap the benefits of being a guinea pig. I showered and shaved and lotioned my body up. Getting ready to see Mr. Gyno who should be pleased that I smell clean and not like a rough night of sex (like I'm sure I've done before on accident) and that I feel soft on the arms as he gets my metal and other medical buddies ready for entry. I've known women who freak out about these such "dates" but having 4 the first year I started getting them, they don't phase me. I'm just surprised that there's a man that just goes down there to look and prod with smaller phallic objects (and spiffy flashlight!) without actually taking out his phallic object. It's a relief.
I get a bit of cash because again, I'm a guinea pig. There is so much I want to say there...best if I stop myself!
Then I head on up to have a REAL probe: ultra-sound. It wears a condom for me and everything! All in a days work...sorta.
Every last cent goes towards my big black bastard (pet cat...not some 70's bush or pimp). Unlike the $100's I've been throwing at people like some maniac at a stripclub. No wonder I'm poor, I'm just giving it away (though we will say the last time it was me paying for sexual services and not because I'm a pathetically good friend giving my buddy tow-truck money. Makes me sound badass...or desparate).

This morning I had some good dreams that I will have no idea how to interpret.
First one started out in some garden center in the middle of no where (ok, in the valley of mountains). It was beautiful. I gathered some plastic-potted-place-directly-in-garden flowers and somehow jumped to some dark apartment building with a bunch of these flowers and dogs and cats on leashes. I was reading names and addresses off a paper and dropping these pets and flowers off. "Thank you for allowing me to look after your pet" kind of stuff...it was weird. Why was I buying them something and thanking them for doing work? These people were all rich, and HELL! One of the bastards stole my cat!! "Yeah, I would love to have him back, but I guess whenever you want to give him back will do."
Apparently this dream wasn't as pleasant. I think it was the aspect of being such a good soul to so many people that made me feel all gooey and gross inside (like it's my fucking duty to appease people, but hey, throwing money at loved ones because they are hard up for cash, BUT HAVE STABLE FUCKING JOBS, which I lack, is part of having a generous nature...or hoping all the cash will roll in at once so I can pay rent. It's like saving for a rainy day by giving other people the money).
The second dream was me wandering around a busy road close to my doctors building and finding that I need a shower before my appointment. I follow a bunch of university students who must know where I can hose my stink off. It was like a bomb shelter as it was a set of doors under a hill. I went into the one with the woman symbol. The washroom was creepy and the only shower stall I could see was at the end of a dimly lit hall...the hall did a sort of Hitchcock shot as I neared the stall. The water was running and I never made it there...I started to leave because fuck this noise, there are better options, like the wetnap bath my buddy always talks about.
I got outside, but ended up following some girl back into that Hell. The place was nicer and full of people, nicer stalls lined up in long rows. I noticed men were in the room as well, which was a what the fuck? Wrong bathroom moment, but no, some guy reassured me somehow, like the washroom at the gay bar where it didn't seem to matter, which made the gender signs obsolete. The girl took notice of my tattoos...and we ended up in bed together. I didn't wake up smooshed at the fold of my futon and needed to check if I was alone. Apparently I assume that I don't need to leave the house to end up with some stranger in my bed. A discomforting thought, but hey, random cute girl, who's complaining?
My dreams seemed much more satisfying, but now they seem horrible in very passive-aggressive ways. My minds way of torturing me for sleeping more and not being fucked out of my tree, mentally of course, as often as it would like.

On to something different...um...SUNDAY! Sunday I was in a delightful mood. I was running low on booze and had not a cigarette to fill my lungs with, but was happy anyway. I didn't realize until MUCH later, how much my whole body hurt from a crazy night with a close friend (legs and breasts still hurt). Even meeting up with my ex to get over the discomfort of being around each other wasn't a thought that would upset me. Handing the day over to him and we took 4 years and crammed it into 4 some odd hours, except we were both drinking. He handed me cigarettes (sweet cloves...*salivates*), he thought I was trying to poison him, we hugged, smacked each other, we were like two stupid kids who got into the liquor cabinet (which is true because we polished off everything that remained. It's awful to live in a dry house). We fought over a book of smut and he went home after a couple of tears...it was a fucked up day, in our fucked up lives. I was on the top of the world, then in a small dark hole, so I passed out.

Time to tart myself up for my appointment.
Adieu...

Well...

2010-07-03T08:24:00.003-04:00

...rather than ranting to myself (because yay angry, miserable me, at the moment), might as well write. It's what I have when I don't want to manually write EVERYTHING out. So Ghost stuffs and the like. I watched a clipping from AboveTopSecret.com on how this one show is SO much better than the rest as it gets all scientific rather than "did you hear that?! Did you see that?!" It's very difficult to get physical proof of something only one person can see. When more than one person can tell one way or another that they are not the only ones in a room, that is more evidence than playing around with cameras. Growing up I felt crazy because I could see and on rare occations hear something that didn't technically exist. In the past two years I have run into 4 people who can "sense" something else to the point where I can finish their sentence and creep the ba-jesus out of them. "Yeah, he went that way." "WHAT?! How did you know?!" I'm getting sick of the fake stuff and miserable and sleepless off the real stuff (three people in one household can tell that there is an extra male, but only one gets to see his...um...lovely face and body every coherent night. Yay booze?). You can't make a believer out of a non-believer and you can only go off what you see and feel, etc. Understandably, I have a mental illness (on the way to schitzoville), but for the time being, I am capable of talking about what is going on and still have a few strands of reality where I can vaguely tell what is real and not real (thus the questions to those who understand). If I see people, I ask. If I know I'm the lone gunman, I just act casual. Not too much longer that state of mind will exist, but whatever, there is not much to help aside from talking. Better to clarify rather than creating lies for others, than claim to be right with false evidence.
Ran on with a tangent...drinking and it being 5:45am currently where I am, exploring things that get the mental ball rolling...all boring, pointless dribble in the end. It's just nice to have clarity, my mind in tact for the most part.

Random Breakdown

2010-06-30T03:50:00.002-04:00

Lastnight, I flipped out on a man. I just lost it infront of people, with my friend on the phone listening to everything. He got to me in some strange way and my mind needing someone to let loose on snapped at him. Curse words flying everywhere and I had a fire in my eyes. My mind believed that he was harming another female and since I've been a victim in the past, it was like an abused animal finally attacking and destroying the agressor. When it was over, I craved to scream and punch something. I sat down for a cigarette outside, my hand trembling the whole time, heart racing. I haven't had a fight like that in a long time. Luckily it was short and no one was hurt physically.
Once I got to my temporary home, I started drinking to calm myself. I drank too fast and made myself sick. I was alone in a washroom, vomitting and balling my eyes out (not because I was sick, but because I couldn't believe what had happened and needed to breakdown).

Lately I've been confrontational in many ways (beginning of post being one way). The most important one though has been part 2 of talking to my ex. For some reason I thought of him and decided we needed to have some closure. He agreed so when I'm home we will find some time to sort everything out. I have no idea what to expect, I just hope that it goes well. There is so much I need to say, but have no idea how to start. This will be good for us though.

Weird vivid dreams. Less of the physical, visual and auditory hallucinations, but unbelieveably realistic. The one I remember from earlier had to do with living where I am now in a strange appartment building, chasing after an ex-friends evil cat, the swimming and shopping (which is more like I'm on a mission because I'm alone and in that situation, I'm very down to business). Then I came back to reality and carried on with my day.

Apparently I need to inform people I hate when I leave town. My aunt flipped when she found out that I was out of town and didn't inform my parents. My sister knows...that's important. The people I live with know...that's important. Anyone I consider family or loved ones knows pretty much. That's the important part. My sisters number is on the fridge incase of anything (house sitting or emergencies). I am prone to disapearing when I want to, but my aunts afraid for when I don't want to. Well that's something to worry about when it does happen, but when I'm out of debt, I'm out of the family. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

...

That Old Feeling...

2010-06-15T04:20:00.002-04:00

At a social gathering with some old friends, I saw him. Due to everyone keeping us FAR away from each other for so long, it was such a strange night as that's the longest we have been together in years. Everyone was more uncomfortable with the situation than I was. Yes, it was a nightmare in the eyes of everyone around us when things started to fall apart. There were fewer and fewer good moments between us and everyone tried so hard to get us to stay apart without falling apart. An enemy actually decided to be buddy buddy with me a couple times and basically forgave and accepted me for what happened (as I was the Hell spawn in his eyes). He realized I wasn't actually as evil as I was portrayed.
Everyone treated me like I disapeared off the face of the Earth and were so surprised and happy to see me. They also treated him like shit. It actually bothered me and I couldn't join them. You realize I loved this person with all my heart. He was my bestfriend and there is apart of me that is him, that belongs to him. I can't watch him fall apart and feel nothing. I can't laugh at him when he makes an ass out of himself. I've been my own trainwreck and would hate to think people would say horrible things about me when I obviously need help and a friend.
The next day on my bus ride out of town, I contacted him via text. I'm not surprised I know his number still, he forgot mine. I wanted to just let him know I wasn't pleased with what he was doing to himself. We got to talking, which is the longest conversation we have had in years (we barely talked at the party). It made me wish I gave him a hug before I left with someone he considered a threat to our what-you-may-call-it relationship in the past. It would have meant a lot and would have shown that I still gave a damn. There are times I have thought of getting back together, usually when I'm really lonely. That will never happen if he's going to be a drunk the rest of his life, if he is still emotioanlly unstable and jealous. The man I originally fell in love with, doesn't exist. He's a shell and it hurts. I want to see him better so he can actually have a life.

I did spend two nights in a row, snuggled up to previously mentioned threat. This person has become one of my closest friends (something the girls at the party no longer live up to). We both are lonely which makes sense as to why naked and alcohol didn't even end in sex. It was nice to just have someone there who cares. We made our peace with the fact that we both want different things and never considered botching what we have.
It is just nice to feel less alone sometimes.

incert title here

2010-06-11T09:41:00.002-04:00

My sleep pattern is warped. Lucky for me my heart doesn't ache when I attempt to shutdown (and that I get more and more of a bed to sleep on the more I put my room back together). I did have a migraine though lastnight. My initial thought was "I'm never going to get to sleep though I'm actually craving it." After trying to position my head so that it made things better (because having my neck bent back in an 'L' shape while my head was in pain wasn't the best idea), shutting my brain down from some stupid song stuck in my head, "listen to the radio, I mean, that's the main reason for me to be up this late so many times before, I don't even know what is going on." That worked, but once my female roomate was up and showering, I was up feeding my cat. Sleep, sleep, sleep...oh so now my nerves are against me?! Am I really that stressed where my mind and body are going to bitch, moan and complain at me?! Or maybe my body was upset that it didn't go running this morning. Hopefully the latter as that can be compensated for.
I did realize though, that I'm stressing myself out over the wrong things. Nothing right now is as bad as I feel I'm making it out to be. I've survived worse and need to suck it up, and get over it. I'm royally messing myself up because of things that don't really matter in the long run. The fact that I slept for essentially 2 hours and woke up unprovoked, goes to show my mind has a set pattern and it is going to continue with it because I have kept up with this pattern for weeks! I even woke up at 1am the other night after catching up on my sleep, just to stay up until after 6, completely unintentionally, but due to my body knowing that it has to be awake during certain hours.
Frustrating, but oh well. I'm now fully awake and capable of having a productive day. Clothing that needs to be donated, important things to be bought, a friend to visit, laundry...dishes...pancakes...reading...packing, organizing my room (the clutter and disorganization makes me antsy).

Oh, and I give up on this little war. The other side wins, I don't care anymore. I made a big deal out of nothing with actual value. My side fought, but didn't understand what it was fighting for. Be honest and live a lie. Be you but not around me. Love but hate everything. It doesn't make a lick of sense, so they get what they fought for. I can be what is asked of me, but you will never see "me" again. I guess that is for the best in itself as you love me but hate everything about me, I can only offer a fake me in order to appease everything you ask of me. I'm going to change all the bad, but on MY terms. I cannot belong to you anymore, I cannot love you, I cannot be ME for you, so this is done. You will absolutely love the new me, though. Never a sign of weakness, everything you want to hear and you will never know what goes on in my heart because you don't belong there anymore.

Oddly, I'm growing quite comfortable with being single but unavailable. Intimate relationships can take over one's life and I feel trapped. I feel trapped if the wrong person spoons me as I act like I'm being suffocated! When someone takes fancy in me, I act as though they are asking me to marry them! All the people who adored me in the past in a way I did not want them to, I made sure to taint or destroy everything between the others and me. Men who submit to me as though I am a queen, women who chase me around...I get into a panic and find away to rid myself of them. Morrissey makes a good role model here. Can't be defined as straight or gay, but he has gone to the extent of not caring really to be sexual. I'm a sexual being, but I wouldn't mind giving it completely up until I can sort my life out and find what I'm looking for.
Strange little rant. It's getting late, I best be leaving.

It Hurts to Sleep...

2010-06-09T07:31:00.002-04:00

My mind will not allow me to shut down until I'm worn out. I have to use every ounce of energy and then I crash hard. To bad I sleep during the afternoon when I should be sleeping at night. My perfect sleep schedule for when I'm old and retired (which will never happen by the looks of it). If it wasn't the strangers who knock on windows in the middle of the freaking night (which I'm supposed to treat as normal and non-threatening), sending my heart into a panic, or my cat assaulting me when I attempt to sleep. Or thinking, thinking, thinking, the endless thinking about everything. Or Eddie.
Now I lie down and my heart feels sick, my mind makes it worse. I have to distract myself by making up a dream and attempting to run with it, which rarely works now. I listen to things that would haunt my mind when I was younger. They are entertaining, distracting, but not even capable of giving me fear to sleep in my roomates bed (which would probably allow me the rest I need to fix this schedule without sleeping pills).
I started something which has made things worse. This hole is fucking deep and it's time to find a way to the surface. This is why I go numb. This is why I torture myself. This is why I let it build up inside of me and explode when no one is watching. I have people I love and care about again which makes things hard because I feel I let them down. I sit and wait for them to leave or push me away because it's only history repeating itself. I'm too much to handle, like a bratty child who destroys everything in my path or I'm embarassing or I'm travelling a path they do not wish to see me follow. I've replaced bad habits with different bad habits.
So I realize I can't rely on myself to make me better. I want to. It seems like the strong thing to do. To overcome challenges like a big girl, to get stronger all on my own. Yeah, it seems easy when thought out, while putting into practice is a much greater challenge. Trying to help others when I can barely stand on my own (figuratively speaking of course).
I'm a happier person to be around in the right company, or when I have found a good distraction. I can't say that every second of everyday I'm as miserable as I was, because I'm not in that same hole. I enjoy what is around me, I enjoy creating things, I enjoy spending time with the people in my life now. The problem went from issues with the place I'm living in (due to some white trash men, and the clutter), attempting to mourn, financial and job issues to full blown arguements with two people I care about, family issues, and having to talk someone out of not being so obsessive (the guy in the last post).
The guy in the last post...that was an interesting situation all on it's own. I felt uncomfortable. I talked to my male roomate about the situation and he started suggesting this could be a more serious issue than I was assuming. So I contacted this guy and asked for him to meet me in a public place, and he started getting frustrated with why I couldn't just talk to him at his place. If I'm alone with someone who is behaving obsessive and they don't like how the conversation is going (can you tone down the creepy for me, please?)...someone who is a lot stronger and might not think rationally...sounds like something could go wrong pretty fast. I hate the stalker talk, but it must be done (even if he didn't reach stalker statis).
With two loved ones...my sister was upset that I haven't been around. She is upset with more than just me not being accessable, but I certainly haven't been helping. I love her so much, but we have been living further and further apart. She lives with my enemies (my parents) and doesn't want to stay at or visit any of the places I'm living (which is understandable as she would come over when I lived with my ex and she hated it). She has school which brings in the homework and she has work and she has her boyfriend...it's hard to fit in. We argued, and it hurt, but we both needed to let our frustrations out (fueled a bit by booze). Everything has been made up for by a good hour long conversation over the phone, and I hope to see her today.
The other one is a huge problem. As in, I don't think this person really likes a damn thing about me now, but still think they love me. "I don't like this and this and this and this....but I love and hope things will get better with you soon." Some of that was never a problem before. Emotionally I have changed when it comes to drinking where as before, they could careless because I was happy drunk. Now I don't know what to do with this whole situation, but I fucking hate it. It is far from over.

I'm exhausted, but I have a full plate today. Rest is for the weak, and that will be my motto until I have successfully completed todays tasks (and I hope that includes making sure every living creature in this place is fed and to make my room liveable again). Then I will sleep until I'm actually useful.
Soon, things will be good.

It Could be Alcohol Induced? Hopefully...

2010-06-05T05:24:00.003-04:00

Besides the 2 or three people who know who I am through this blog and the one person who may or may not read it...I feel sorta confident to say this. I let down my "goth" (I'm sure I would be considered emo though I would destroy any emo that came my way. Over priveledged S.O.B.'s) or dark appearance to confess this, but I am drunk. Not the sad drunk that I have been, but more of a rip someone to shreads horny drunk (AH! I miss it!). Here it goes:
For some odd reason, I decided to listen to Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ( outside of my pretty girlie friend who likes Glee where they parodied the song). Watching the video of a structually small but muscular man bounce about being all naughty with a lovely figured woman...Well, for some reason I want to jump him. Never have I thought of this. Every Marky Mark movie makes me giggle (almost hysterically) because of the song Good Vibrations. A girl friend of mind has always found him attractive and all I could do was continue giggling. "But he's so silly, playing mister rapper!" It's like that same episode of Glee, I caught the scene where the butch cheerleading coach thinking "I felt something below the waist" (which lead to plenty more giggling from me and from my lovely female friend).
Oh my.
After being stood up at a show where I waited 2.5 hours for someone from my past to show up, after bitching with someone incharge of me making money, after finding out that someone I care about doesn't seem to give two shits on what happens to me, I needed something as awful as this to perk my night up. When I sober up, it will make me laugh so hard to remember that I wrote this, and to read this. Marky Mark started to remind me of some guy I went to high school with some time back. To consider them attractive is almost a nightmare! However, they did look after me like any good boy faced with such a strange girl as I am. "She is like a baby sister to me" kind of thing.

So, embarassing confession of the day out of my system (that is the most tame thing I could ever write, and if you know me, you know how true that is!). On to something more entertaining...

Oooh, pretty clouds!

2010-06-03T08:03:00.002-04:00

It looks like it's going to rain! That means I'm going to be hiking to the cheap store (should be about an hours long walk) to get cigarettes. Of course, if it rains, I'll look like a soaked rat by the time I get home. Now I wish I had gumboots still. I used to have some awesome rainbow coloured ones that would fill up with water from my puddle jumping.

Lately I have been feeling crazy. A normal feeling by now, but a feeling that I'm getting sick of. I have been bickering with loved ones and feeling a bitterness towards others. I cannot sleep at night no matter what I do...Actually, that's not true. I have a lovely assortment of sleeping pills but by the time it would be right for me to take them, I don't think about it. Time slips by and before I know it, Coast to Coast am is over and it's 5am. Pretty pointless to go to sleep then, or impossible when I try so I get up and go for a quick run. I did start on my Halloween costume and sewed a hole and reinforced some buttons on a sweater this morning though. Finished reading 1332pg comic book (Bone), watched Slipstream, made pancakes...At least I'm kind of productive. Kinda hard when you don't wish to wake night sleepers.
(I spent several hours the other night making potatoe chips. Experimenting with different flavors. Pickle brine and dillweed=dill chips, vinegar bath and salt, salt bath=plain or salt and pepper. Vinegar chips worked quite well, but I enjoyed the salt and pepper ones. I went to bed after 4.)
The people problem I've been having has been irritating. It's as though I'm just being hostile and deffensive and creating new characters out of these people. "I don't like them because of this reason" or "I've never noticed this before."
Only one person actually deserves my frustration with them. Since I haven't been making time for people (one of those funks where leaving the house is a HUGE issue), this one person wanted to see me before I left town. There are WAY more important people in my life, but according to this person, I HAD to visit them. My last week in town I was trying to keep the stress levels down which lead to drinking which lead to uncontrolable sobbing over whales and animal cruelty and my grandmother and on and on...My last day was spent at work, which I didn't leave until 10pm (photographer for a Women Against Violence Convention). How am I to spend time with someone if I'm at work?! Or if I'm a drunken trainwreck? So this person through a hissy fit because I was in the wrong mood or too busy to spend time with them. "This is goodbye" kind of message was sent to me when I got to my travel destination. Whatever man, that's your choice. Randomly one night (the second last night I was in that city), I recieve a message saying "I still love you" but with a few errors. I didn't recognize the number, oh, how creepy or sad. I assumed it was mistake-ex-#3 and kept calling them by their name. "Don't you know who this is?" (Believe me, it's better if I just write what I decoded from the messages...some people do NOT know how to write coherently) "Why would you hurt me?" I SWORE I knew who it was. Mistake-ex-#3 would say the exact same things if they ever wanted to contact me (actually, all 3 exes) and have the same god awful typos!
So SEVERAL hours later, this person keeps messaging me after I told them to talk to me in person or to fuck off. Don't mystery message someone, claiming to be hurt and making all these wrongful accusations, even feeling like what you say has any importance to the person you are HARASSING other than "dude, seriously, you are annoying the fuck out of me!! Be a grown up or piss off!" I told them I'm not responding to them if they are not going to play by my rules. Eventually, after they were ignored, they informed me of who they were. They weren't clear on how I hurt them and we argued.
So when I get back into town and enjoy being alone at home for a weekend...they contact me later on in the week. We meet up and they get all creepy on me. I'm actually terrified that someone I'm not close with is capable of saying "I missed this, did you know that?" I've had psycho clingy before and it did NOT go over well. I'm terrified of this person (I met them while reading the Collector. Books match some of my reality). I'm furious to have to deal with this again! So they want to hangout again...I'm trying to think of a way to talk to them about this before I'm dead because "Ferdinand" is a sociopath.

Long story and not what I was looking to write. Whatever, I have to get it out of my system somehow. Another problem has been dead things. We have a dead thing that only I can see in full who watches me sometimes (mostly just when I'm alone at night in the house because apparently, if I can't sleep in an empty house, dead thing can watch me sleep to assure me I'm not alone). The couple I live with notice a him to a far lesser degree, so I felt it only fair that I got to name him. His name is Eddie which was pretty random. "Don't fear him, he's here to watch over you." "Really? I noticed that part! Can't he just cross over?! He looks like a rotten body and he just stares at me!" I swear, his frickin' eyelids don't work! His eyes just bulge! I almost started crying the first night I noticed him, he creeped me out so much. Also, there's the part where you feel pretty damn crazy seeing something as clear as day that isn't actually there.

Otherwise, I haven't been too bad. Emotionally, I'm a frickin' unsettled tornado (some goes for mentally). I've been basically happy when left on my own. Wandered around a festival by myself, entertaining myself, studying, cleaning, spending time with kitty. Paying too much attention to the birds and flowers when I should be focusing on where my feet are landing, and at times the traffic, while I'm running. Things aren't so bad.

This is the time where I go and look for something to perk me up so I won't fall asleep and waste the day which might help me get to sleep tonight. Running works, but I've ran twice in the past 8 hours. Scaring myself works...I was trying to shut my mind up, that drowsy feeling started heading my way and because my window was open, when I heard the neighbours leave their place, the sound the door made shot my heart rate up and popped my eyes open. Grr...

Oh Bloody Hell!

2010-05-07T03:58:00.002-04:00

It has been a rough past while. My mind is trying to gracefully ballet dance around the broken glass of the past while.
I almost forgot, LAUNDRY. Myself and the laundry machine are FAR from friends. Normally I would just do my fucking laundry in the most normal and polite way possible. Last thursday, bright and early, I had to respond to a knock on my door. My neighbour informed me that "arr washer be possessed!" I had to wring out my big quilt to make room for everything else I was washing. It weighed about as much as I do soaking wet (ha, ha, ha, for those who think I'm miniscule, that would mean the blanket and I have the same weight in both states. ...,). So after 20 mins of standing before an open washer, wringing out this heavy and cold SOB, I turned the machine on and ran upstairs with the wet quilt. Male roomie in washroom...it was thrown into the kitchen sink (eventually it did make it to the bathtub and back down to the washer. Not the best way to start ones day though).
Skip through some boring and pointless days of my existance...Ah yes, TUESDAY! So I decided to have a few drinks that night...my male roommate decided to espand from normal shows to the ones parodied on South Park...Ghost Hunters (me thinks) and Whale Wars. Drunk me and animal cruelty= instant balling. Then mothers day...My grandmother was the trigger. Then on and on, until arachnophobia came on...I recognized EVERYTHING for a movie I saw once when I was REALLY young (ah, repression...handy tool that is).
I went running early wednesday morning (before 6:30am) which has made my calves sore...which leads to today (or what we should call thursday). Wearing heels to an important function for 8 hours...ouchie to take them off. I thought I was going to play assistant today (I'm good at that). No, I had my own assistant and had to talk to over 200 strangers. I had to lug around an expensive camera which was heavy and not mine. It was an uncomfortable and stressful day. Luckily I fucked up to keep myself from EVER having to help out in that situation again. I'm not actually going to complain as it was probably for the best. I fuck up and never learn, but NEVER have to go through that again. If I didn't I would have to actually adjust myself to this kind of situation. Technically, I'd rather never to do that again. I feel stupid though and would like to make up for it somehow...but that would require another day in Hell (seriously, I'd rather be an editor, model and ASSISTANT WITHOUT A CAMERA!!). He could easily punish me, though, by writing something for me to say to this scouting company (playing as me anyway) and sending in one of the bajillion pictures he has of me. It would be embarassing for him to admit it to me, and even worse if they contacted me. Then I have to do something infront of a crowd, sober and more professional. He said he would bug me about it and I'm glad he hasn't.
I must say though, I am quite attractive when I'm drunk or stoned and looking at myself in the mirror.

My bus is only 4ish hours away! I'm excited! I miss the people in the place I'm going. A whole lot of pretty ladies and I get to share a bed with one of them! Amazing bookstores and a large body of water for swimming! Mountains! I am so torn between homes and loved ones that if I could, I would be living somewhere in the mountains, but instead, a few people near and dear to my heart, hold me in this wretched city (it's not that bad, I'm just terribly sick of it). Grr...

Mmm...Chicken wings cooking for my tummy. It will be the only food I have until my long bus ride is over. Again, I'm a wee bit drunk and by that, I mean enough to burn myself on the oven and tell the burn mark to not be on important scars. Not "Oh shit! Ouch!" More of a "aw crap! Don't be on any of my good scars!" It's within an inch of an old girlfriends sharp-pointy object scribbling (now that it's all red).

So, I'm going to read Cracked and listen to music until I hug the pretty lady I live with and get dropped off at the bus depot. It would be entertaining if security went through my bags and I threw a vibrator in my purse, schoolie bag thingy that is almost completely attatched to my side. Oh, funny, funny for Mr.Security man! Bwahaha!!

The End of it All!

2010-05-02T21:41:00.003-04:00

It could be due to the strange paranoid man I live with (adding to my paranoia), or the fact that I spent lastnight watching all three Resident Evil movies (I don't know if there are more and probably shouldn't find out)...in away, I kind of want a zombie "appocalypse." Probably because I'm bored and that would vanquish my money issues and anger problems. Who wouldn't love to beat in the face of the slow zombie version of someone who over-powered and assaulted you when they weren't a zombie? Saying that, it would have to mean that I didn't end up like a zombie. I also realized, I'm a weak, pathetic little shit who has only thrown a fist a couple times (and each time I was a super-human version of myself, AKA a psychotic episode or drunk and pissed off).
Of course, the Mr. I live with seems more excited to go on a killing of zombies rampage than actually being paranoid. He's trying to teach his wife and I how to use guns ("Come hunting with me. It would be good for you."), though we don't share his enthusiasm for killing gophers and coyotes. His wife will wait until there is a reason to kill something (danger or food...I would wait until I'm halucinating to kill for food, foolishly. I'll kill danger and if it's an animal, I'll cry about it later). I want to learn how to use a gun as I think it would be spiffy. Pew, pew! Pew-pew-pew!! I want to know how to use weapons incase I ever have to use them. Me, writing this, reading what I wrote...all a good enough reason not to trust me with weapons. If I was some tough bitchin' cool woman of strength and power (not some girl who knows that hiding is her best asset), I would look at weak feable me with pity and strap me in a back-pack or hide me somewhere with a rape whistle incase I'm surrounded by zombies. "Save me super me!" I wouldn't even make good back-up food for anyone in the middle of nowhere.
Maybe I need to change all this so I'm at least useful for something I kinda would like to happen to spice up my life (I'd say, knowing me, it's possible...though it sounds more like a nutjob going overboard and trapped in some fantasy world while the body atrophies...).

So, something not zombie-related...I'm leaving the city and I'm excited. Yay! Sorry, my mind is still going on about the zombies and the end of the world. If only the human population could drop by a lot, that would be kind of spiffy. I'm in the wrong generation and not to happy with living in this world. Or...I'm happy with countless things, just not coping well with being an adult I guess and realizing the world isn't the fun place it was when I was young. Grr...

Now, I really feel bad for people I write to...all the obscure nattering that never really gets my initial point across. I'm going to tend to the dishes and other kitchen stuff...then the bathroom. Maybe go for a run.

Slight Alterations...

2010-04-25T01:10:00.002-04:00

Hmm...well hello again. How I do ignore this strange place. Not intentionally, of course.

I'm alone. Not in the old dramatic way where everything was put so dreary (oh dear, how pathetic I did sound). My lovely roomies are away (well at least the female is pleasant. Her hubby and I behave like children and I'm not the big, mean older sibling anymore. Crap! We do have our good moments though and he's a darling). Time to be naughty! I could walk around naked if I wasn't cold for some strange reason. If we actually had a living room, I could through on some porn and wank if I pleased (is wank/er/ing a term that can even be associated with females?). No, that would be creepy, what with my cat thinking THAT would be the time to cuddle and all. *shiver* Also, the spy cameras I believe that constantly watch me. *picks nose...giggles quietly to self*
It's weird being alone and I think I've forgotten what to do with myself. Watched Flashdance and almost started crying (her grandma died...my grandma died and I've been trying to understand the mourning period as its been almost a year and I haven't mourned). Forced myself to stop any tears. Watching Metalocalypse to change my mood a smidge.

The last time I wrote, I was a wretched drunk, hanging out with people who could care less about me...Things have changed greatly. There have been some amazing people who have taken me into their lives (as it seems people kind of adopt me as their own). I love each and everyone of them. They are the main reason I am doing so much better and I thank them.

So, I'm almost done with the silly (awesome) metal show. Time for bed so I can get up bright and early to go to the Comicon!

Yeah, I loved you, so what?"

2009-01-18T22:31:00.003-03:00

Everyday of this new fucking year I miss all these people of my past...which I believe is part of the being steps of sobriety. What reason do I have to be sober anyway? I'm alone constantly, and now in pain because I screwed up my tailbone again. No longer employed full-time and nothing in my future. Why must I be so miserable? Because I'm not fucked up on whatever and working mindlessly 8+ hours a day 5 days a week? Too much free time? Should I be a workaholic? Probably, as I can't be alone with myself for too long without contemplating suicide or mutilation.
Sick thing is, seeing as my best friends are all missing currently, I'm deeply desiring my ex. I hate the thought of it, but I miss him too much (as I am finally sober to even feel such a thing). My current bestfriend is living out of the city and I miss her a lot. Right now I'm saving up to move to where she is as it only makes sense in my head. Who am I staying here for? There is no one I can think of...
Except there is a curious case of an ex-crush of mine showing interest in me though I really have stopped caring. Honestly, I barely have emotions anymore. I'm either miserable or numb and no one can tell the difference from my falsified smile. I just plan on leaving the city and waiting until anyone notices which won't be for a LONG time. Oddly enough, I enjoy being next to invisible. You can't hurt anyone or get close to anyone.

Who am I? I don't even know myself anymore...Nor do I even really care.

Crawling Under my Skin

2008-10-24T16:23:00.004-03:00

Wow, my last post was an odd drunken rant...which is why I should just go to sleep when I'm so intoxicated! I'm actually quite surprised that I was coherent. 3/4's of a bottle of Jack and 3 beers (the cabbie was right for asking if we had open liquor in the cab...I passed it off as that we just reek like a brewery and tucked my open beer into my bag). It was a good night with people I care about. My buddy and I ended up at a casino, plastered at 1:30 in the morning, won 95 cents and left while we were ahead. While waiting for a taxi, I recieved a most offensive remark which I still cannot comprehend now. Since it was cold out, I decided to put on some pants, to which a woman looked at me, made it known that she was offended and sped away on foot leaving her man alone. My buddy piped up in my defence and they had a short lived arguement as he chased after his woman...I just kept saying "what the fuck?!"
We walked around with our "metal" voices which explains why my throat hurt so much the next day. Luckily I was just exhausted and not violently ill (which I should have been considering how much I drank...I forgot to mention that 1/2 the bottle of Jack was from earlier and the last quater was at the casino. Not like we really needed it, we just wanted to continue drinking).

Right now I'm contemplating what I want to do. There are places and people welcoming me, however, I'm trapped. Drinking alone for now, hoping that I will make up my mind or drink myself to sleep.
As bad as that sounds, I just can't sleep at night, I have no drive to do anything and I lay awake trying to force myself to sleep at the wee hours of the morning. My body is restless, my mind is restless and I'm lonely and bored (so depression is kicking in). I'm not really bothered by depression as much anymore as I have to take the bad to balance out the good. My problem is more that I don't want to do anything without my new bestfriend as I hate leaving her out and everything is so much better with her. I can still go out without her and have a great time, I just enjoy her company and feel safer when she is there. Which is silly of me though as other friends of mine will look after me as if I was their little sister. I really love the feeling that people care enough about me to look out for me. I'm just as loyal to them (I love my friends too much to see something bad happen to them...even if my own neurosis makes me hate them and constantly assume they are backstabbing me, I will still look after them. It's not their fault that I'm fucked up so I pretend I'm not for everyone's sake).

Oh, right now I'm having shitloads of issues that aren't really all that big or important. Men have gone back on my bad list. I do care a lot about the men in my life, I'm just feeling self-conscious and really hating being in my own skin.
Fuck...Nothing is really important right now. I'm going to get the fuck out of here and live in my lovely limbo world where I feel more comfortable (numb...). Maybe I need to finally cry? I can't seem to cry anymore so things most likely build-up to the point where I feel sick (inside and out).
Just breathe...

"You take me to, lead me through, oblivion!"

2008-10-22T07:47:00.003-03:00

"I feel you - your precious soul, And I am whole."
Uh! I hate it still, I ignore every bit of it, but I LOVE HER!! Maybe I just adore anyone who gives me the right kind of attention...I've been screwed over by everyone I know so really, I'm not surprised, but honestly, I've tucked any feelings away to actually keep this friend, but it still kinda sorta hits me in the face (as in, "duh, stop being stoooopid, but there are two people on your wish list and DUH YOU AREN'T GETTING THEM....")...
Actually nevermind...
I still have REALLY old and dirt covered feelings for someone else...who screws me over every time I see them again for the first time in awhile...
("And the spirit of love is rising within me, talking to you now, the fire still burns.")
Thus is why I have a few bite marks here and there...we were competing in the game of who can tease who...neither of us won, but it still makes me wonder...
FUCK!!
I really don't know what to do with myself. I think I love everyone basically. I hate as much as I hate myself...
The Bottom Line
"Like a cat dragged in from the rain
I go straight back out and do it all over again
I'll be back for more
Something that is out of our hands
Something we will never understand
It's a hidden law
The apple falls
Destiny calls
I follow you
Like a pawn on the eternal board
Who's never quite sure what he's moved towards
I walk blindly on
And heaven is in front of me
Your heaven beckons me enticingly
When I arrive it's gone
The river flows
The wise man knows
I follow you
I'm yearning I'm burning
I feel love's wheels turning
Like a moth on love's bright light
I will get burned each and every night
I'm dying to
The sun will shine
The bottom line
I follow you
I'm yearning I'm burning
I feel love's wheels turning
Like a moth on love's bright light
I will get burned each and every night
I'm dying to
The sun will shine
The bottom line
I follow you
The sun will shine
The bottom lineI follow you."~DM
So I just torture myself due to how passionately I feel towards people as I have learned that you have to choose between friendship and hormones...At least I can say I'm strong there!

Life is just plain fucked up, so what. It happens so there is no point in getting too involved so I'm happy for booze...(and I think I've met ALL the wrong mentors there but for the most part it works...I don't want kids and I'm too nuts to love more than the scary beast that I am).

Instead of growing the fuck up I've decided on random posts that lack any appeal and will make the reader wish they didn't waste those precious minutes of their lives...
(and I think I'm tied in a lovely little noose to my year long attraction which is a huge mistake on my part...sounds about right but I'm generally more possitive about this shit than I ever have been!)
Sleep now...drink later...

Black Listed...

2008-10-04T07:06:00.003-04:00

Big Meat Eater is on again...I haven't been sleeping...seemed like a good time for a new post.

As how the world around me works, I have again taken on the role as a social outcast amongst the people I call "friends." That isn't a huge surprise to me, however, I find it pathetic that I have to be given the cold shoulder because I'm considered a threat (it's a long fucked up story).
(Oh, the man crawled out of the berlap sack in the meat locker and is singing and probably contaminating all the meat)
Luckily the pretty girl is on my side as she is the only one who knows my side of the story. We are going to defend each other. (Now it's the Devo-esque scene in this screwie movie...nevermind, I'm checking the credits as that was totally 2 guys from Devo.) What a strange concept...people who will stand up for me when I'm being wrongfully portrayed. I feel so foolish tho for avoiding getting involved with the harsh words which were being said about the ring leader of this awful mess (I had no reason to say anything bad about her so it only makes sense. I guess I thought she was mature...rather than just an overbearing bitch living in some rediculous fantasy world where she apparently is a respected motherly figure rather than hated by most people around her). She fears I will steal her man, tho I am already his mistress and do not wish to have him killed by telling her anything. The fact that I am the other woman makes me a horrible person, I know, you don't need to tell me that.
How random that rant was...

I can't shutdown long enough to catch up on my sleep. I've had around 9 hours of sleep in the past 4 days...It's not like I've even done anything productive with my time. I'm bored out of my skull and I desire a companion I can live with when the pretty girl is away. Though I did sleep most of friday and saturday of last week as well.
At least being a home body keeps me out of trouble...for the most part. I did enjoy a night out on the town ill and drugged up (to keep my body from ailing me) last saturday night. Someone I had a previous attraction to (which I full out admitted to them) was there and they seemed to take an interest in me. They participated in cornering me along with one drunk and one sober male which grew uncomfortable when the room got more crowded.

I'm feeling like I should get a start on my day. I have also been rather distracted while writing this which explains why everything is so random and unimportant.
Time to go looking for some b-movies for tonight...

Francis Farmer Incarnate...?

2008-08-28T00:12:00.003-04:00

After much time off, I finally have a job. That doesn't make me little miss responcibility tho as I still drink and stay up...sorta late (I do still make it to work after much fussing and fighting with myself to get up!).
Sunday was rather odd and showed that I might been harboring some really intense stress...other than the fact that I have been using several bad methoods to put myself to sleep for the past week and a half. The day was fine as I was heading to a morbid photoshoot which ended with the vehicle I was in to turn around and miss out on one Hell of a day.
That night I went to the casino with two of my buddies. All was fine, booze train was fueling up (kisses for a pretty boy). We took our winnings and went to the community pub. I had 2 shots and a beer (I doubt I drank much of the beer) and my world felt like shit. Seeing as I took an ativan, had some tea and took drinks back at the casino like they were going out of style. I awoke in the washroom (a typical place for me to sleep) by an odd sounding woman...because she sounded like a guy I'm not fond of from work and kept calling me hunny. This questionable woman decided to bug the fuck out of me. I'm sure "she" was trying to help me as I asked to escape out the backdoor which turned out to be a pitch black cement room.
In health class I learned about rooms where prostitutes were locked up, drugged up and whored out for days at a time and that, unfortunately, was my first thought. Then I imagined that that was going to be my fate as I was incapable of saving myself. The "lady" returned and asked me some questions, I demanded to see one of my buddies (who is built almost like a bodyguard). The door closed and I went into an uncontrolable hysterical crying fit, speaking in enibriated jibberish.
I think the pretty boy ended up taking me out of the pub towards the vehicle we arrived in. Instead of getting in the vehicle and further avoiding this twisted little scene, the ground outside of the vehicle was considered more suitable in my mind as I curled up to try to sleep. Apparently I was talking about how I was going to die and basically looked like something horrible happened to me. Yeah, so explaining that I was just having a substance induced panic attack was impossible and far from on my mind which set off my bodyguard buddy as he went stormed back into the pub to figure out who did what to me in the "rape room." He returned and I refused to get into his vehicle so my buddies walked my drunk, crazy ass home.
So without a cellphone as an alarm, feeling surprisingly fine, I managed to wake myself up, shower and make it to work on time. I just looked like a psychotic clown when I looked in the mirror when I woke up...yikes...
Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I was exhausted from work and rushed out the door to make it there on time. After the hygenist was done freezing my mouth (fillings are "fun") and I was just lying there by myself, I was on the verge of tears. The wear and tear of my life (as there is MUCH I haven't said) left me feeling weak and helpless. If I had a mental breakdown right there, I think I would have just came home and crashed. Instead I visited some friends, had a little to drink and picked up their stresses.

Fuck...now I have to explain (again) somehow that I'm not that into my recent ex. He wants me to move in with him and asked about us when I SWORE there was no us. He dropped an L-bomb on me after only knowing him for a month and a half (that's not including the time he ignored me for a month because he sincerely believed I slept with his roommate and didn't confront me about it. Yeah, real mature). After identifying him as my ex and as my friend and making things clear when I broke our fling off some odd time ago, I would hope he got the picture. Also, not returning his affections and mentioning how I fancy our female friend. Apparently I "came around" without knowing it. I don't get it.

I don't know what's going on anymore...the chaos storm is up an going again. Since I can't stand this surreal reality, I'm hoping that some of the strange good stuff comes to fruition. I was told that a photographer would like to have a personal photoshoot with me and my pretty girl as we didn't quite make it to the sunday affair. This would be fun and if I'm REALLY lucky, it would be a great opportunity to maybe get out there (if the photographer isn't just a perverted hack...otherwise it will just be amusing. I should be more bothered...oh well).

Uhg...breathe, sleep and dream of the unobtainable...

"Bros before ho's"

2008-08-13T17:39:00.002-04:00

What an interesting way to discribe someone...I doubt I deserved that...

He's in love with me. Not the way I love him as he is head over heels over me (an L-bomb he dropped on me the first time I saw him in months). Say what you like but I'm not there. I don't care who you are, you cannot tell me what I want or who I love. Someone I know decided that they could be considered a mentor in my life and tried to convince me to settle for my recent ex. You cannot make someone love another person if their heart isn't there.
I love him as my friend. I will be there for him when he needs me, but I will not be his woman.
Another problem arises...I need to move somewhere else. He want's to live with me. He think's we will share the same room (unless I don't want to) and I assume he will be happy...
Problem is, I won't be. I will loathe him for his effection and the habits which bother me. I will feel a little trapped as I string on someone who I once called friend...

I am unhappy right now. It might have something to do with the meds I'm on (antibiotics) and from watching Requiem For a Dream two nights ago (as I have been in a drunken stupor since Friday night). I don't want to be around people or sleep. I don't want to leave my room. The only thing I have to look forward to is my job which I start tomorrow.
Sometimes I really wish I could cry. As though all my problems and insecurities would wash away in my tears. Tears that would make me feel human.

Undercover Pirates of the Mainland...

2008-08-11T05:38:00.002-04:00

Without a penny to our names, we walked away with a spectacular haul (of booze and cigarettes. If they were just going to throw it all up, we would give it a better home). So smooth...

Yeah and looking back, we could have gone further than a few drunken pecks. That was one HELL of an adventure. Nudity, subtle intimacy, rooftops and more booze than we knew what to do with! It basically ended when we fell asleep under the shade of a tree, so wornout from lack of sleep and sweating in the summer heat.

Of course we did have a curious audience everywhere we went. Unknown drunk men at the beginning assuming I could call her my own (I probably could've...at least it probably looked like it...). Construction workers watching two figures piss in an eavestrough and climb down from a roof with a case of beer on hand. People in the streets joining in on our drunken ramblings (you can meet so many random people...mostly men who may expect more, temporary friends). Friends/aquaintances watching us throw on clothes after a refreshing dip...and I'm sure we had a few people notice our exhausted bodies sleeping calmly.

(Not really going to get into the store incident...it was more rediculous than anything else.)

I cannot mention how floored I am by her. Knowing me, this is my reaction to someone new and amazing in my life...but how can one not fall into that groove where someone just amazes you so much you can't help but fall in love with them (it's probably pure admiration that I have mistaken for something more. Again...she has someone to love. I'm just a comfortable partner in crime). Regardless, I can still enjoy being around her and take things as they come (rather than expecting more).

There was so much drama going on and everyone else around us seemed to have an awful weekend...I had no reason to complain, slept unbelievably well which was much needed (or probably deserved). The one thing I would have changed was the innocent drunk kisses on cheeks as we probably would have went further...I just don't know what distracted us. We had a mission at hand at that time and it was perfectly executed...We just could have wasted a little more time on that. Apparently it's going to happen sooner or later so maybe when the moment is perfect and there isn't a couple drunkly gawking at us...that's probably what changed the subject, come to think of it.

On another note...I think a male who desires me hoped we could have gone through with his plans of "no strings attatched" tonight. My head was in la-la-land and moving away from his suble closeness. In all honesty, I should be blunt and point out that I'm not in his boat (to the point where at this moment I swam to the island of Lesbo and disregarded his feeble attempts at pulling me onto his boat that would crash on the rocks and drag ME to Hell). What he want's me to feel for him is what I feel for her (and if he knew that he would be more miserable, but blind not to notice...). We went over sexual numbers and I did point out that since him and I last talked about it, females have been added to my number...but he will probably remain in denial that I would actually want more than a sexual fling with a woman (because I'm just bi...so I can only play around with girls in his small hope that he might have a chance).
Right now I am free and I am happy. He isn't happy let alone close to it. He needs to find a way to get out of a negitive goove and enjoy what's around him (and learn how to love himself so he can love someone else rather than expecting them to do all the work for him). Being around him is too emotionally draining and I know he would be WAY more miserable with me. Telling him that I would feel like a bird in a cage, maybe a canary in a cage being dragged into the depths of a coalmine, feeling the black dust in my lungs and dying to escape. He would end up taking too far down into the mine and would ignore my panic for air as it is his home and I would be more a companion for him, slowly dying and he would wonder why his once lively canary is a lifeless, soot covered clump at the bottom of the cage.
You can't tell someone so emotionally fragile that they would slowly kill you if you were to fulfill their desires. That is just a little too harsh, but it would be blatantly obvious to everyone else. "Oh have you noticed how dead she seems since those two hooked up. It's as though she is becoming him. Taking on his negitivity by just being around him." He would only be happy in the realization that he FINALLY has me, but he would suck the liveliness that I have had to acquire (which was a struggle in itself), out of me. In a way it would almost be worth it to sacrifice myself to make him realize that HE needs to make an honest effort in changeing himself before he can maintain a lasting, healthy relationship...but I already dealt with that long enough and don't want to lose what I have now (this is where I get to be greedy). Fuck him.
His misery is his problem. I will be his friend, I will aid him as much as I can, but he isn't going to wear me in. We were having a fine time together, but he wanted more and wondered why I didn't want him and fell into a negitive funk and I had to kiss the remains of a decent time goodbye. I knew from the get go he couldn't just drop these feelings and his own ego and just ENJOY HIMSELF! FUCK!!

Grr...now I'm feeling grumpy. I'm going to get in a few hours of sleep and hope that I GET up in the morning as I expect a call for an interview and want to be prepared. Then I will be excited if I get the job as I get to be with my heart stealer (dude...that would be an awesome corny line..."ok, you stole my heart and I want to know if I get to have it back..." Yeah...I had something different in my head but forgot it just as fast...).
And now the waiting game begins (and I might be too excited to sleep...).

2008-08-07T18:37:00.002-04:00

None of my pants are happy pants. I'm really hating my selection of clothes...If it wasn't so hot out I would just wear everything I own so I can make up my fucking mind! Not even my underwear is making me happy (and I love my underwear).
Ooh and I have all these odd little red spots on my legs (mostly at the ankles)...strange...It's not itchy or bumpy or what I know as strawberry freckles...
On another note, I'm going nuts! Clothing pisses me off (which we already covered), I'm lonely (the mistake of hooking my best friend up with someone just as serious about relationships as she is and dumping someone who was obsessed with me), I'm bored out of my fucking skull (artsy little projects can only keep me sane for so long)...I find myself standing around not knowing what the fuck I'm doing.
So I don't know if I've mentioned my current situation...I'm alone and broke and very very sober. A broken cigar, Rhum and Whiskey (two of which are probably older than me, aside from the bottle I bought with the last scraps of my money. 3 very sad looking bottles) and dry old weed which I found lying around (goes to show how much I smoke it! I think it was donated to me early in July) are all I have to keep me sane and from being a fullout mooch. Ooh, and luckily I have vodka and Absinthe from my money days.
My room is scary...I'm getting scary...pacing around the house probably looks pretty bad. Last night I went on two walks because I couldn't sit at home anymore. I'm probably going to be doing that again shortly (however it will be one long walk). Shower, make-over and finding happy clothes first (because they will waste enough time).

Hahahaha, EVERYTHING costs money...Uhg, I'm going to choke myself. There's a shopping cart outside proclaiming my destiny. Grab the kitty and whatever crap I can possibly sell and sleep on and take off.
I need stability and actual friends (or I'll just find me one of those all consuming relationships and lose all the people I sorta consider friends). I'm sick of this busy then competely alone (and bored out of my fucking skull) pattern that I'm always stuck in. That needs to change as soon as possible before I do something crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I threatened to give my dad the middle finger today...Yes, that shows lack of respect for an elder, but you have NO idea how much this man needs to be beaten with a big metal rod! Me flipping him the birdie is a deathwish in itself though it would be well worth dying over. Trying to be mouthy is as risky as I'm going to get (as telling him he's a bastard while standing up for myself left me shaking to my core as I expected to wake up 2 hours later at the bottom of the stairs).

Someday I'm going to have a place to call home a job and a cat for my cat. That's the least I can hope for so I can't run myself dry expecting everything to be perfect.
Life could honestly be a bit better than it is right now.
I desire a smoke and a lay with a side of booze...

Overwhelmed Heart...

2008-08-06T04:35:00.002-04:00

I think I'm just lonely or horny or I just love people who I'm the happiest around.
This is rediculous but when I think of it enough, it's typical of me. She is new to my life and of course taken. The very first thing I think she said to me was "You are so beautiful," and continued drinking. Everyone does their thing and we sit together talking or behave a little mischievious. The last "relationship" that I was in, I couldn't even think of him the way I think of her. Of course I don't expect a thing to happen outside of gaining a really awesome partner in crime.

Sometimes I wish I had a job so I could go back to enjoying life...Too broke to go see Pineapple Express (which I have been looking forward to seeing...oddly enough...), too broke for cigarettes and booooze (which really shouldn't be a huge loss)...and whatever else I waste my time on.
I've had the artsy itch this year (moreso with this new and exciting person in my life who also happens to be an artist. I know more musicians than anything else so now I have someone who enjoys being creative without a loud penis extention...tho she plays guitar and I can make the piano sound like it's dying) and really need to get everything out of my head.
This morning while forgetting to sleep (I probably do need a reminder when I'm sleeping alone), I caught up on this quilt I started years ago. It's scary looking and nothing to look at on a hallucinegenic-like substance (or without schizo meds). This hideous monster will one day be complete (and I might be proud of it when it's done and crushing me during the winter).
Finished drawing out a tattoo...
Reading a lot...
Mutilating clothes I don't wear so I will want to wear them...
Now I need to work on some glass rings and whatever else my little brain needs to do.

I had a dream that he's avoiding me because he's with an ex. It wasn't like we were that close and I would love it if he could be happy (and not resentful or vengeful...).

I'm excited for some future plans...(just don't get too excited or expect too much as nothing can be perfect for too long...at least not in my life.)

All Our Little Secrets...

2008-08-03T16:54:00.003-04:00

What a weekend! Fuck.
On friday I made my big bad ex regret crashing my buddies birthday. I looked good and he tried talking to me, telling me he loved me and I replied with no hesitation, "you only love me because I look like a little schoolgirl. Have we met before?" That's when one of my buddies hugged me and took me to the ground. We were aided up and as my ex touched my shoulder, everyone else intervened while I said my goodbyes. I found that he was staring at me a lot. Luckily I was too busy enjoying myself to care. SO DRUNK.
(After sobering up a bit, I realized that I have awesome friends.)
I went home with two of my buddies, but since I was so giddy, I couldn't sleep. I ended up leaving just before 6 to catch early morning transit (the world looked so empty. It was nice).

Yesterday, I went to sleep at 10 in the morning. A pretty girl and I met up in the afternoon and started drinking. We went to a park and talked. She heard something (as she is a smartypants)...and believes that I would be perfect for my attaction if their partner was out of the way (all that floored me and I couldn't respond but tried to play casual). We ended up climbing on top of a school to continue smoking, drinking and talking.
Two buddies showed up to rescue us. I joined my bestfriend on a short escape.
The things we had to talk about were insane!
Ultimately, I think I put a giant target on my attraction and I just hope to avoid any slip-ups. I cannot wrap my head around this weekend.
We met back up with my buddies and the drinking and smoking continued. The girls took off to the washroom to do their hair (I joined, porn mag in hand), which left the guys very curious (moreso after we closed the door). The night was long but all was well. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and slowly things shut down (I got home around 5...drunk off my rocker).
...

I have had the most horrible sleep schedule. I really can't continue doing this if I want a day job...which I'm hoping to get come Tuesday (damn long weekend). This no money situation is pathetic, and I hate how bored I am.
Right now a sorta messy room and a bunch of art projects are calling me so I should get my ass in gear.

"I'm still fond of you..."

2008-07-31T19:55:00.003-04:00

We talked for just over an hour in the middle of the night...and I still desire you. No real attachments as I warned myself from the get go that nothing with come out of it. However, I can still get excited around you and enjoy the way you make me feel until I can replace you.
(Though I think you are one of the very few who could possibly tame me...)

Last night was fucked up. I met up with one of my best friends buddies to get my bathing top back. Cute (and for a stranger, it was strange to get a hug out of him...). I went to pre-drink at this pub which has become a new favorite spot for me. Left feeling good.
Drunk swinging is more entertaining than sober swinging (and I mean at an outdoor park swing by myself...Otherwise, I would think the adult use for a swing would be WAY more amusing and I'm not fond of "Swinging.").
On the way to go see my buddies show, I had a man sit and talk with me (and I swear everytime I go alone to meet this one band, a guy tells me how beautiful my eyes are). He was only the begining. Another guy who played an amusing trick on himself with his cigarettes (they were in his hand as he looked all over for them) had a chat with me (I probably made him feel old).
Some guy talked to me when I waiting at the bar for my booze. I went out for a smoke and yet another male (just a lot older) who I smoked gonja with (he gave me the roach and I was flying the rest of the night).
Then the second band had the bassist chatting with me. He was trying to make me enjoy myself as I apparently looked bored (tho I was really baked and my jealous friend was sitting right next to me). Mr. Bassist made me feel really giddy and sort of uncomfortable as it was obvious he was talking while he was on stage playing his set (free booze and a shirt).
I had my jealous buddy follow me around and he was fairly touchy as to scare away others. Oddly enough, I didn't ask him to do that. I felt uncomfortable talking to the other people I consider friends because of Mr. Jealous. If I ignore him, it makes for a really bad night. Being too afraid to talk to my own friends because of not wanting to hurt another friend is fucked up. I had a hard time explaining that to Mr. Bassist after the show was done because it doesn't even make sense to me. I was happy to get home and not have to deal with that bullshit anymore.

My night ended very nicely (though it could have been a bit better).
So I'm thinking last nights odd magnitism had something to do with the special bodily functions of being female. Generally that is such a time when a female dresses more provocatively...So now I'm more confused as I was wearing blue jeans, a black tank over a ripped up black dress (and hoodies when needed). Oooh, pink bra straps made a slight appearance and if that screams sex, then I guess I'm guilty...

Honestly, I never thought my life would be like this without my ex. I can say that I'm so much happier and WAY better off without him. With him still holding me down I wouldn't have had so many different experiences (and I probably wouldn't have a social life and would still be slowly killing myself). I love the people I can call friends, I can appreciate myself more and I love being happy.
When I'm upset, it's out of bordom or a few stupid males who think I'm happy to call them friend while they butcher me even wanting to be around them (I think I have the right to choose who I have sex with and who I want to be with...at least I swore someone told me that I have that choice...or am I completely wrong).
Sunday is going to bother me as I will be questioned again as to why I'm not into Mr. Jealous. He will casually touch me and I will know that it will be a long, uncomfortable night. He will make me feel like shit because I fear telling him the truth and I feel guilty because I can't like him the way he likes me. He does nice things for me and I have nothing to give back to him. Last night he gave me a ride, I hugged him goodbye (as I do for all my friends...) and he left his arm around my shoulders (and I quickly slipped out of his car).
I like it when people are blunt with me, but it is REALLY difficult to be blunt with others. Whenever I try to, I feel like the bad guy. I have made guys cry and I won't shed a tear...that was how things went the last time I talked with both of my exes. The big bad ex and I are kept apart quite well. My recent mock-relationship and I still cuddle (but I avoid giving him the wrong impression. We fill each others need for affection minus kissing and fucking which works for me...not so much for him as he almost dropped an L-bomb on me).
Maybe I'll grow some temporary gonads...

I need a job...*sigh*

Sorry hun, I would rather drink.

2008-07-29T00:32:00.004-04:00

Another night, another guy, another sexual proposition. At least his intentions were clear and things were fine by me (I know he was hoping for more than his crush who's outfit was inspired by Joan Jett to seductively move around the pool table). There are several reasons I can't go through with it.
1. I'm not interested in him (and his lack of enthusiasm when he plays with his band on stage makes it seem like he will look bored in bed...that's not a turn-on).
2. If I did go through with it, then I further reinforce the groupie status I have created for myself (I'm either a groupie or a mistress in my sex life...though that sounds horrible, at least I know who I've slept with...just in this situation, 3 more and I can say I've had the band so no thanks).
3. He may have said no strings attatched but he is extremely jealous which turns me away from him (and he can't admit to it). I went to talk to a buddy who called me while we were out (and it was sort of late) and I went somewhere where I could hear him. It was like getting a call from a giddy schoolgirl because he kept laughing so by the time I got back to my other buddy (who had 2 others to talk to) I was giggling myself and just passed on a message. Then I was bombarded with: "WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO? WHY IS HE CALLING SO LATE!" That's what everyone does, but thank you for over reacting.
4. Again with the no strings attatched, I think that he would make himself ill if he even saw me hugging another man if I went through with it. I'm not going to change for someone who I prefer to keep in the friend box.
And I can't even tell him this as he doesn't understand how he reacts...and I don't need that shit from someone I owe nothing to.

One of these days I'll have a job...which is funny because everyone is so deparate for workers but most places are too picky for their own good and they just screw themselves over. One HMV hiring manager just hires people who like the same music as him...that is fucked, but I'm not surprised and he isn't the only one (I just found that out from my sister).

I have gifts to embrace and I fear them.

(5. I'm getting bored with men. They are just easy and I guess they make good friends.)

I ought to slap you!

2008-07-25T02:23:00.003-04:00

Off and on my thoughts have been just me dwelling on bullshit. I have decided, tho, that the next fucker to ignore me when I'm saying no or pushing away from him is going to get a fist to the face. Might help him clear his head. Honestly, my boundaries are crossed all too often. At a buddies house party things got sour with two men. One won't forget me because he's marked up and another defended me and slipped a hand down my pants when we were crashing on the same couch later in the night(he was pretty fucked up and did get the hint as I tried embarassing him).
(I think that night I bothered the buddy who invited me over as he left the room which was full of people when he thought I was getting intimate...)
This idea to use violence to stop a situation from getting anymore sour obviously has to be with the right person or with other people to back me up. Obviously I would be screwed otherwise. The last (and probably the first) time I punched someone in the face, he tried attacking me...he was totally asking for it though as he got another one later in the night from one of my buddies. It's really sad that I have reached the point where I feel the need to hurt someone to get my point across (as I have learned that most people don't listen to anything that I say). Can't opposite genders hangout without having any sexual implications?

New subject...
I've given up on a lot of people because of a matter I do not understand. Life is too short and I'm sick of being miserable so grow-up I shall. That doesn't imply that I'm going to be a giddy bore. Fuck that! That isn't me. I have to do something to keep me sane before I consider going back on meds (I hated meds, though they did make suicide sound amazing). When the chaos gets too out of hand I lose more and more of reality until I get into a paranoid schitzophrenic funk where everyone is against me and so on. I'm learning to talk myself out of those which is why I haven't attempted suicide yet (I only cut myself because I couldn't cry and I really needed to do something because I don't know who to go to anymore. That's probably why I've been writing on here more. Easier than my notebook).

Wow, I've only drank one night this week. I didn't smoke today or monday or any day I don't leave the house. I smoked weed...once this week (though I don't really get too much into that as I want to still be mentally there or even awake). I've been pretty depressed and yet I've been good and that accounts for nothing in anyone's mind. Hmm...so I guess I would be doing this for myself. Aw...how sweet...fucking egotist! Haha...Oh boy, then when things get crazy I'll either be a lightweight or I'll be tough as bricks and outlast everyone.

Right now is a bad time to be lost. However, I do enjoy this little quote I found while wandering around the city: "we really are lost, but we still have a chance." I may not need to find peace in a religion with promises of an afterlife, but I do need hope that everything will get better while I'm alive (even if it's a lie and I die tomorrow, it's just nice to think that no matter how much I screw up, something good isn't completely out of reach).

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting for a phonecall. Perferably from a company that will hire me (so I can just get the interview and crap done with, without having to wait for another person to call me). I'm contemplating a job that works nights as it would give me no chance to have a social life. The only problem with that would be making waste of the social skills I have finally gained.

I've been so braindead for so long that I decided to get me some inspiration. I ended up buying a copy of Ad Busters and Psychology Today...Something will come to mind and I will stop caring about stupid things...and oh my god, that pack of gum smells like weed! How odd...Maybe I'm just delirious...
Oh well...Oooh, I might get to go houseboating if I can get a job. I don't actually know how to respond to that...one of the guys going suggested I join and I'm thinking "have you seen my face? Have you not noticed me reading a comic book and my body language screaming discomfort?" Other than that guy, I was with my bestfriend, another girl I know and another guy...I don't see why I would be THAT uncomfortable if I really don't care what most people think of me.

Uhg...I can't wait to just have a job and someone perfect for me (and not by what people would think would be right for me as that tends to be a really poor assumption). Just keep reminding yourself: everything will be fine, just breathe...

Can't wash this dirty feeling away...

2008-07-23T02:34:00.001-04:00

I have the luck of the draw when it comes to the worst men to know. Interesting story too...so I recieved a call expecting it would be the angel in my dreams to realize I roped myself into a nightmare. Get some booze into this so-called "friend" and the word "no" doesn't exist in his mind. He has adored me since he has met me and continuously attempts to sway me his way. Sitting in a pub across from each other, things are fine. After a trip to the lu, he sits next to me, arm around me and WAY too close for comfort. Apparently threatening to punch him in the face is no real threat (because leaving him is much worse because then he can no longer "work his magic" on me). After several attempts to get cuddlie and work in some kisses (which I backed away from before his lips could touch me), I lead him to the train, barely talking to him, and not bothering to look at him.
I should have known by now that being defensive is a waste of time. Great way to feel suffercated when I'm already down and out.

For the first time this year, I cut myself. If my friends are only going to ignore me or ignore my boundaries, then I'm going to hurt myself. Same damn thing, different people. I feel so alone and I would kill to feel good again. Nothing feels as good as sincere happiness.
(the funny part is, I lied about being taken. I told him I had a boyfriend and it was impossible for him to respect my requests. That really hurts...)

Two weeks and all will be better...just two more weeks...(I would have been better off alone in my room this evening.)

Big Meat Eater?

2008-07-22T18:04:00.002-04:00

So I'm guessing you will NEVER guess the title of my crazy, twighlight movie (aliens, meat, Devo: read last entry)! It's a Canadian movie from the 80's called (drum-roll please...) "Big Meat Eater." Apparently I was capable of falling along anyway...

I hate looking for jobs. I nearly had a heartattack dropping of a resume at the most convienent, well-paying job for me (as it is a 7 minute walk from home and $14 with a raise every 3 months...and I believe a buddy of mine is working there...I think she is still my buddy...). I think I enjoy sending resumes over the internet instead. I just want them to call me tomorrow, interview me and have me working for them by Thursday (my friend had that luck, and I also gave her the push to leave her last job).
Oh and I REALLY hate the girl who was going to have this awesome job for me that I would have started last tuesday (as she informed me late last tuesday night that a "friend robbed her blind" as she has been traveling since the weekend. Makes you think...LYING BACKSTABBING BITCH!). She get's kicked in the ass every so often and I laugh like a little sadist because I feel like karma is actually stepping in for once (as I have a problems believing it, but hearing her misery, makes me more of a believer. Sounds bad on my part, however, if you knew her, you would understand).

So...I hate still being alone...Though I still need to find myself and that right person. My best friend laughed when I said that I need someone to tame me and told me flat out that she doesn't think that person exists. That kinda hurt. I'm sure they exist, I just have to look in the right places. I think I attract crazy, and I can't handle anymore crazy than my own self. Ooh, it would be like a sitcom to find someone down-to-earth. The adventures of Vanilla and Rainbow! "Vanilla, let's go get wasted and streak around the block. It will be a race!" "No rainbow. You can, however, I do not feel like that is my sort of activity. Let me check the piggy bank to see if there's enough to bail you out of the police get involved." "Aw, you're always looking out for me. Kisses!" "If it wasn't for the sex, I would feel like I was more of a parental figure than anything else."

I went into MacNally Robinson today and nearly broke down crying. It doesn't even look like a bookstore as most of it was closed down and EVERYTHING is 40% off. No more Prairie Ink Cafe, or awesome discounted books, or an amazing selection of books (better selection than Chapters ever will have). I don't really think there was a time that I left that store without buying something. First the Castle and Now MacNally Robinson...What a shitty year for enjoying a trip downtown. I found the SCUM Manifesto there! Fucking city...it costs way to much to live in this stupid place. :(
So I was planning to buy as much as I could regardless of my current lack of work. I ended up with only a copy of Short Bus (for my sister), a travel book for Amsterdam, a Harry Houdini card and 2 buttons (which was just over $25 which makes me want to run back and grab whatever caught my eye).

I found a trick to ending my own feelings of worthlessness and bordom...don't wait around for others to call, do it first. I have filled my nights from Wednesday to Friday this week and I just have to get through this miserable night alone. Maybe one of the people down the hill will give me a ring for once and I can stop feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I can actually be creative for once (I think that would be WAY more satisfying as I feel like I've been wasting my mind. No inspiration). Ooh, that would be exciting! Now I need to find a spark to light my creative fire...

Can you breathe at this altitude? I'm dying!

2008-07-22T06:35:00.002-04:00

I am not too fond of the excessive amounts of chaos in my life. One moment, everything is calm to the point of bordom. I turn the corner and my friends are dying in my dreams (one of which was apparently found blue in a hotel room by a maid and was revived...), very spicy sex stories (starring myself and not told to anyone), and problems coming out the wa-zoo.
Worker's Comp was an interesting break in itself. I missed my co-worker's and found myself getting mischievious. One of the physio-therapists told me I was in the wrong type of labour for my physique (as I had developed tedonitis...still an issue to this day). So after my job screwed around my friends and I, well...I left and interesting note to explain why I was not coming back.

Still jobless...bored out of my freakin' skull and wondering what the imaginary me did last wednesday. Apparently I was somewhere that I wasn't and telling me what my imaginary self did would ruin the trust of two friends. There is so much wrong with that that I cannot express how confused I am. Now NO ONE is talking to me and I have NO FUCKING CLUE as to why ("Just call him." Ok, well if I call him anymore times, I swear he's going to think I'm trying to stalk him or that I'm obsessive...maybe he would have liked that before I was told that he didn't care where I was. This coming from my short fling who was hoping I would "come around" as he was torn that I wasn't going to be his anymore).

I'm soooo lost by this movie that is on the telie at 4:58 in the morning. A gigantic black guy is man-handling this assortment of meats singing about how he's a "big-meat-eater" as a traditional looking woman in this shop is starting to look aroused as she slightly adjusts the clothing around her neck.
Now I think the Big-Meat-Eater is going to meat cleaver the (Woody Allen look-alike) shop owner into product (or supper as he only played with the meat and didn't get to eat it...).
Oh...here it comes! The freezer...evil grins, a surprise...Oh that sucked my metaphorical balls big time! He tried strangling him with a line of sausage and it snapped...
So poisonous gas, murder, sing-song in the meat shop (with a side-order of attempted murder by a hypnotized nutcase), and now an early model for the Fonze is taking a girl who looks like the main character in Hairspray out on a date...
As you can tell, I'm easily distracted...and now there are these cute little inter-spacial robots stalking a burgler...WOW! This movie has everything!
Aw, poor Fonze didn't get any because Hairspray girlie's pa is coughing up a lung in the back seat of his car...
Dude...what the fuck...a guy just climbed out of a berlap sack in the meat locker and is singing...in a way this reminds me of Phantom of the Paradise and Shock Treatment; crazy-ass musicals that no one has heard of because they are strange and hard to follow. My life is a forgotten cult movie that makes no sense and happens to be very stange...
Devo totally stars in this film...if you were watching, you would understand...

Uhg, job-hunting...in the end, it will all be worth it. I have decided not to sleep so I can actually be up at a decent time to accomplish something with my day (Oooh, but I did hook up a printer and got myself 9 resumes...and I guess caught up on some much needed sleep). So now I contemplate making mashed potatoes, and writing out a map of my day. I make plans and have stopped leaving the house instead...heat or not, I can't sit around growing useless anymore.

5:20am and it's already 15 degrees...heehee, and the guy being interviewed on the weather channel has Krell as his lastname (I doubt many people will understand that, but I laugh).

So I think now would be a good time to get started with my day.
Good Tie...*snikker snikker*

Honey, you are driving me crazy...

2008-03-05T04:13:00.003-03:00

Another naughty secret,
Another visit to Wonderland.
Hiding in the shadows,
Under many suspecting noses.
Sneak off into the night
To set some sheets on fire.
It's getting hard to function
Stuck in a sexual daze...

I can't explain how absolutely bazarre my life can get. I have gone from professional loner to having an entourage, being chased and having some strange power to get who I want (at least it seems to be a power...). Sex appeal...weird...I guess my sex drive has been externalized (as I haven't had anyone to release myself on to calm myself internally...which is a lie I guess...I've had all the choice in the world since Boffo the Mofo Clown of an ex has left my life and have taken some advantage of it...).
The only thing REALLY bothering me is how miserable one of my buddies must be. I want to be there for her so bad, but there isn't much I can do (though I would marry her just because I love her and can't stand to see her so hurt)...She needs space, but we need a good innappropriate yelling and cursing match in public so she can let it all out. Whenever someone I care about is happy my life is horrible. When their life is miserable, my life is better. I would give up my own happiness so they wouldn't be miserable.
I can deal with the men who are trying to get my attention (moreso if my "lover" is with me, but I always seem to screw us out of free drinks because I want these men gone NOW rather than play some game) and anything redicuous health wise (like a 37 day period which still makes an appearance every few hours...I'm not counting anymore). There is the stress and chaos that I'm used to...so my personal day-to-day life is fine...
...aside from you.
You are a problem. You are a high. I honestly can't escape this trance (and I have tried so many times before). You laugh as others beg for my attention and as you give me one word associations of your dirty thoughts. There is so much tension I am faint at times.

*sigh* I doubt I'll ever escape this Wonderland...
("I'd like sleep with him, pushing in the pin...")

"Lastnight, I Dreampt Somebody Loved Me..."

2008-03-01T02:43:00.002-03:00

Are we to run away? If only for a little while. Are we to forget about this city and the world we know and live in a short lived fantasy? Are we doing this for thrills and to tame some wild hormones? You know you shouldn't desire me...and I've hated you for my own desire of you. (If you are alone dear, and if I'm near you...I hope we don't get caught dear...)

I'm over my ex and I've been feeling so much better. I think he was my sickness and the few loved ones who could deal with my insanity were my cure. I needed someone to save me for quite sometime and now I owe my life to this someone. We became friends by working together and after knowing her for not even a year, I feel like she is my sister. I love and adore her.
So for the past...almost four years I have been slowly dying (if not trying to kill myself). I can't dump all my misery on that wretched man, but he definately had a HUGE part in it all (as I probably would be more stable by now...or I might not have met anyone I know now, but I would have others still in my life). He dropped by to get something he gave me and after he was out of my house I felt like I was suffocating and I'm miserable now. He has impacted my life in such a negitive way that I feel a rush of all this negitivity when I see him. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
He wrote me a sexual message and I was more furious than turned on as he probably was hoping of me (you have a woman, fuck her. I don't feel like hating myself anymore right now).
Just seeing him makes me want to rip apart my flesh or destroy myself (anything self destructive). I want him to feel this. I want him to ache. I loathe him for what he did to my life (Again, I am to blame for allowing it and not really doing anything). I don't want him dead, but I can't consider associating myself with him until I can actually talk to him without wanting to hurt myself. Earlier this week someone mentioned his name and mine and I felt horrible. I didn't want to still be attatched to him from others. Everyone asks me how he is doing and I have nothing to say. I could careless, just so long as he's happy with his own life and leaves me alone.

Someone implied that I was a weed in the "friendship garden" while commenting on me to a friend of mine. So I have been working on a dandilion to represent how horrible of a person I am. I'm loyal as a dog, I listen and I become emotionally involved in giving my all in aiding a distressed friend. Getting drunk and ill because I'm going through an emotionally distressful time myself makes me a bad person. Ok, fine. So be it. I know I'm not perfect. I know I can do horrible things. You know what? That's probably why I lose my friends. Because I'm a fucking weed who has nothing to offer and I just drain everyone of anything I can get out of them. That sounds like me to a T.
Sorry. My mood has been destroyed. I was feeling great for once (I have been truely happy lately. I have been enjoying whatever I can get out of my life, I've been told that I seem more LIVELY. That shocked me). Now I'm old, familiar numb.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMPT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME
Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
Oh, GOES ON
And on
Oh, goes on
And on...
~The Smiths

2008-02-14T02:34:00.003-03:00

The passion in your eyes ignites me...

I feel like being romantic to over-compensate for my lack of being loveable. Men can chase me into full-out seclusion, but that's not love. Though I've been leftout from being a normal girl on Valentine's Day so many times before, I actually want to be leftout this year because I'm surrounded by boys...I feel like a spare tire or conveniently there. Oddly enough, someone I have had my eye, eyes me back (if that makes sense...) but thanks to having my self-worth continuously ripped apart by the "love of my life" I think it's one VERY cruel joke. I can honestly believe that I'm the ass end of some cruel joke or someone actually being attracted to me. I'm merely here for sex...yep...nothing more.
Uhg, so I'm not sleeping...I'm burning out so I'm going to take advantage of this feeling so maybe I won't feel as crappy tomorrow (just curl up and huff paint so nothing makes sense...maybe passout for a little while...). I've been wanting to take the day off and hide in bed all day, and it seems I'm over reacting to a day that has been over glamourized.
Since I've never dealt with having an actual ex, I'm really glad that my ex has given me the feeling that I want to vomit for even thinking of intercourse with him (because he's crashing and burning and showing that since he can only get fugly (funny-ugly) girls, that I too am a fugly girl. That's a real ego burn!). And the fact that he can drop me like a hat if he thinks he can get some tail (any opportunity he can get because he annoys all the other ladies...). I believe that if we were still playing his sick little game I would be dead in no time. I believe to my very core that he was slowly killing me (not by poison, but by dumping his depression on me. The weight of his selfish misery added to my self-loathing and loneliness was crushing me and destroying me. I've never wanted to kill myself around anyone more than around him).

Just to feel the skin and being caressed in return by another would drive my senses wild. Shiver and flush from sweet affection. Such desires linger in my every thought.

Off into whatever dreams will have me and I await tomorrows mysteries...

Skin like the wings of a moth.

2007-12-18T01:20:00.001-03:00

I feel like Alice in Wonderland because the strangest things keep on happening and I seem to be the only one to notice. I can almost say this has been the most odd year of my life.
At one point I discovered a love-hate relationship with harder drugs. Moments of bliss and peace from reality (which is basically a dream anyway...if you do not know me, you wouldn't understand). I found I forced myself to basically drown out any sense of reality, but only when I was around my ex. He has always been the fuel to my self-destructive flame.
Since my ex and I were living together again, things continued to fall apart between us. He wanted other women, but I wasn't allowed anyone else (well, that's how it felt). By our 2 weeks apart, I discovered how happy I was without him (and was humored by him calling me or messaging me basically every night). I was over him by the time I returned "home." We decided it would be better if I moved out (after moving a few things home one day, we got into a fight the next and I was out that day).
Loneliness is something I am used to. I fall back into myself and feel no need to leave the security of my room (where ever that may be). He has attempted to claim his power over me. He is a wretched, basically full-time drunk who I want to leave behind (I just don't want him dead...he needs to smarten up! He slandered my name to almost everyone we both know. He tried getting me to crack by attacking the people I love-starting lies to manipulate me). I know he only wants to fuck me because I'm familiar and thinks that he doesn't have to put much effort into getting it from me (I can say no now. I love that word! Not everyone listens. It's sick how after you say "no", someone will continue attempting to get what they want from you...then you push them away. I like making assholes feel horribly uncomfortable after pulling shit like that with me. They get to pay for the assholes of my past) (also, with my ex, I cave when I want to, my ex is someone else and it's about what I want).
Being a loner basically all my life has had it's benefits. I don't need a social life, I can cope well with losing people because I always have...my only problem being poor social skills. Surprisingly, I have a social life. I miss the most loyal of my friends, but I do care about the ones I have accumulated over the past...two years? I don't have high expectations for them to last (because the longest friendship I had ended at some point this year and I wasn't informed of this...I kind of had to guess), but I'm trying to maintain them.
But I've been deemed a bad influence...because somehow all my friends who are older then me are too immature to make up their own minds in what they want to do. Passive little me somehow is forcing drugs/inappropriate behavior upon people I care about...

Right now I am truely depressed for reasons outside of myself. My grandmother is in the hospital and she looks horrible. I worked up as much courage as I could to visit her in the hospital (I hate going there because she is always hooked up to an IV, she always talks about how horrible she feels and she tends to look just as bad). My father said it might be one of the last times I would see her alive (he loves talking like that it seems, but he honestly sounded like he was trying to get me worked up before seeing her). She has to go in for surgery, which had to be rescheduled for when her arm was no longer infected (her skin is fragile...the reason she's infected now is because they were removing a band-aid which took a lot of skin off her arm which is now a bunch of large infected scabs).
I feel like she is the love my parents couldn't give me. I have always had a strange fake relationship with my parents (as I have never cried for them). Losing her is going to hit me really hard. At least I'll have a good enough reason to hate Christmas if she doesn't make it, I just wish I had one person to be there for me. I want nothing from my ex.

Oddly enough for me, I have been happy. I have been enjoying myself (excluding more recently). I have felt the amazing feelings inside from having an attraction towards someone again (someone who has been keeping me fairly happy for once). They are taken so I'm just going to ride the feeling until it dies and move on. My job is alright, I do try to spend time with friends and...my hair is slowly growing in, which is nice.
The extremes this year have been insane (unbelieveably good or crash and burn bad).

So this is the third time one of my buddies has asked me on a date. Every time he does I don't know how to respond. I've never been on an official date in my life and him and I have never actually gone out anywhere that wasn't a bar or club. I don't like him that way. I'm not even sure what I want, but I am sick of men (but continue to be awkward around women).
Love...I'll always be a fool. "Like a moth on love's bright light, I will get burned each and every night." I hope to find the person that will last and who wouldn't think of treating me the way my ex has. Patience and fixing my life come first.
I don't want to be stuck with my ex forever (the only way I could even consider attempting a relationship with him again would be if he does a FULL turn around or he will throw me back into the pits of destruction).

I was informed one night by my drunken ex that I was still in a relationship with him. I was surprised and far from impressed. He tells me he loves me, and I'm clueing into the fact that we are falling back into our old patterns. I woke up at his house one morning, got ready for work and crawled into bed beside him to cuddle before I left. I realized what I was doing, how I was becoming his property again, and left. I was frustrated with myself. I still am. The last thing I need is to return to Hell because he's playing with my loneliness and emotions. I'm out and I'm staying out (I don't even want to think of being with him again. I WANT HIM, DESPARATELY, TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE).

My attraction has been walking home from work with me. It makes for a good ending to a long day...

(Christmas is reaking. I plan on getting wasted in hopes that the day would be more bearable. Grandma in the hospital, the 20 year family war...then all the festive crap...enough to give me more reason to be sauced)

Sweat Bathes...

2007-07-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, so at least I have published SOMETHING this year. 5 months isn't that bad...but I completely forgot my password.
By now I have lost my loyal readers (hahaha, see I pulled a funny! No one reads this dribble. No one wants to hear my endless mental chatter unless they are obsessed with me. I pity such people...or try to hide from them).

So I'm a diagnosed personality disorder: Borderline Personality. Funny, huh? Oddly enough, I felt much better just knowing I could be defined. All this confusion was lifted and given a nifty name. Now therapy is only useful to tame the demons in my temper (and emotions).
I can't control myself right now because I have had another baby problem (which became a really fun game of "Who's your daddy?!" I already knew, but why not play a little game to take the edge off me. Apparently, daddy #2 was freaking out for months). My emotions are on high and my breasts hurt, but no more problem. The most amusing (and disturbing) part of my day was lactating. Of course when baby goes away at the very first day of the thirteenth week, you have to expect some wonky after effects. The most soothing part of this experience, is finally knowing others have been through this as well (some multiple times, like me). This time I have decided to get a contrceptive that has no hormonal side effects. IUD. Now I just hope it doesn't puncture my insides (because I get all the bad stuff...).

It took forever, but I have reached part one of my largest tattoo. It needs to be filled in once it heals (my nerves acted up pretty badly...only my left side too. That side is fucked. Excuses, excuses, until you see me have a full-blown panic attack). 2 more hours left I imagine.
I just hope I can have sex after I sit through the finishing steps of my tattoo. It calms me down (that's probably one of the reasons I'm so sexually obsessed).

This heat is untolerable.
In my own destruction, I found all the love for my ex which I was hiding. I was hoping to smile and nod as he drank his life away because of some temporary freedom I found. I can't leave him to his misery. As much as neither of us want to believe it, but he needs me as much as I need him. No one could love these monsters that we are.
I'm in my hole, my depression filled rut, starting the climb out again. I'm scarred in the name of a destructive love. I wish to leave, but I'm not leaving him behind.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?

2007-02-04T20:03:00.000-03:00

This loneliness burns my heart.

I associate myself with people I don't feel I have a place amongst. My male and basically only companion, holds my heart close to his, and plays a harsh game of voodoo doll with it. Though he is linked to me by mysterious means, he doesn't seem to know as much of me as he should (and dares not to be there to show me I'm still the woman he claims to love rather then some fictitious character who plays social). One person knows me that well, which I find odd that such a human exists. Reading what they wrote me not to long ago struck me as dead on (whereas I'm generally just a jumble of assumptions).
I do feel like my life will end instantaniously to my own hand (though years from now). Spur of the moment or riding some delerium or pitless depression. I may even be in a constant state of apathy and numbness. As much as I sound like I bring this on myself, I try to be a better person, I try to enjoy the little things and the few moments of bliss I have. I try to keep on good sides of my companions and I try to ignore the sexual assults of the past, the irritating flaws these people possess and how little they care about others. Then horrible monsters spring forth within me and I hate these people, I hate my job for helping people, I hate myself for being alive and incapable of total disassociation from people (and no gonads to finish myself, thinking I'm just hopeful for good things to come).
When I'm happy, it's due to drugs or being capable of making people do something to my wishes (moreso mentally suggesting it...I'm sorry, but it seems I can do such a thing, though I end up worrying that they may hear my insults). My happiness is far removed from myself as though I'm playing a part, being deceptive and putting on a flawless show. My emotions aren't really my own. I live in some fantasy world where I'm this made up person, where no one sees what I see, where no one can get to who I am. Where I can no longer be hurt because I'm so desensitized to reality until I'm in the depths of blankets and pillows where no one dares to find me and where my remnants of human emotion escape.
I think of hiding from social expectations and people I can't associate with in a hospital. Forget the world outside of tightly sealed windows and "medications". I would be sedated and live in my head, manipulating the lives of people in my fantacies. He was going to commit me when I lost myself so many odd times. He couldn't bring himself to betray me, as if it would be any worst then anything he has done before. They couldn't treat me any worse then I treat myself and who knows what crackpot theories they will come up with to "heal" me. How much Risperdal they will give me until I finally overdose.

The last day I have to rest has withered away before me. I must reside in my secure dream world and find some peace through it all.

Neglect.

2007-01-12T23:40:00.000-03:00

My life is never going to get better it seems. I have been trying so hard to make this year better, however, my efforts have been worthless. Currently, I'm dying emotionally. This neglect is building up and I wish I was actually dying. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself and I really just want to end my miserable life. My job and the sleep it brings me are my only escapes from these thoughts and feelings. I don't even have my cat to bring me a pinch of happiness. I'm sure he hates me for ditching him (totally against my will, mind you). Being awake for about an hour, and all I can do is cry.
My ex seems to feel nothing whatsoever about me. It's funny that I felt this shitty this time last year. I just cannot escape this negitivity and this self-loathing I continuously feel.
How can I love myself when I can't keep the most important people in my life? How can I give love without recieving it as well? I feel as though everyone I know has given up on me. I feel so unloveable, shuned and not worth hearing.
Fuck it all. Fuck. I'm SO fucking sick of trying. NOTHING is working. NOTHING is getting better and I am SERIOUSLY sick of it. I'm giving this year a chance until I finally have an uncontrollable break down. Then I can't say what I will do. I really don't care enough to take ANYONE's feelings into consideration because no one has shown me that I matter. As greedy as that sounds, I'm sick of being alone.
I wish to devote my life to one person. The one person I desire, the one person I have attempted to show how much they mean to me, could probably careless if I live to see another day, or at least wouldn't notice if I went missing.
I hate myself and I desire to die.

My Heart is Going on Empty.

2007-01-02T04:08:00.000-03:00

I have no one right now. I feel so alone. Everyone has someone they can devote themselves to, if even only for a short while. The one I wish to be devoted to can't seem to find room for me. Why do I put myself through this? I just desire someone to curl up at night, someone to hear my pain, someone who will make me feel worthwhile and who can love me as much as I love them. My heart is in a slump and thanks to trying to consider my sexual well being (birth control), my hormones are out of whack as I am on my period for the third time this month (at least it has kept the having sex past at bay). I'm getting older, my life is going no where, and I'm not looking forward to the future.
I guess I can't complain. There is someone out there who asked of me to be with them. I felt we were to big of opposites and the aspect of another male in my life just didn't thrill me. I would want a woman, though I doubt things would be any better and I shouldn't be so picky.
So it's a year since I was packing up to move home. Soon it will be a year from when I lost my ex to another. I doubt he could ever be satisfied with having just me in his bed. God that makes me feel horrible. For a good portion of my relationship with him, I felt that I was the most important person in his world and that we could be happy together. He didn't have anyone else for a long time, then boom, I'm replaced. I still don't understand how easy it was for him to hurt me like that and fuck some slut months down the road. Dare I still believe he loves me (I'm still hesitant to believe him and I still don't know why I hold on a lot of the time).
Fuck, I'm miserable. Tomorrow I plan to make things better, but that is never guaranteed. Everything I get excited about, everytime I'm happy, everything blows up in my face. I just take moments for what they are and hope for the best.

A new year...time to stop being sexually assaulted, to stop fighting like a child (end the tantrums), be more creative, finish high school, do drivers written exam, and if I'm allowed it, happiness and love would be lovely (I'm not expecting much there).
It's best if I crawl into my empty bed (my cat moved with my ex and I hate it) and hope slumber will claim me.

Little Poem...

2006-11-21T22:08:00.000-03:00

I can be mischievious, and mysterious.
I will lie or be brutally honest.
I won't let them get ahold of me,
And I'll hold my ground.
What hides in me,
Crawls in my mind,
Are dirty thoughts,
Opinions and
Images of beautiful faces.
Faces of lovers,
Companions,
And faces of betrayal.
I have been strong from my weakness.
I have been a monster,
A lover, mistress, and a heart.
I have been changing, growing
And discovering.
This is who I have been
The future holds what I will become.
~SRN

Life has been better in these past few months. My misery, my boughts of insanity, still have a grip on me, however, I can escape it and find room to be happy.

This Family is Going to Hell.

2006-11-13T19:53:00.000-03:00

I'm running in mental circles again. I feel that by calling myself a bisexual, I gave myself a big confusing definition of myself. Maybe I'm just sick of men currently and I need to wait for things to cool down so I can have my greedy identity back. I don't know why I'm so discontent. My ex has given up fleeing this city to stay with me (because I won't leave my cat behind), he has been giving me the intimacy I have been craving and he has been more respectable towards me (though I have been handing him control. I sort of want to be obedient, but then again, I can be very headstrong, moreso sexually). I doubt my psychiatrist can understand a females mind to actually help me. From the Psychiatry museum, I'm actually sort of afraid he will sexually assualt me. Oddly enough, I don't fear that soully from men, because women have done it to me as well. Anti-sexual-sounds like a plan.

My birthday turned out pretty good. I went to a clinic incase I did have a whore illness. The lady saw nothing (she took a long time looking at samples). I was fine with the vaginal probing, but the anal probing was far from my cup of tea (bloody freaking horror. One more speculum exam this year and all may be good. That would make it 5 times. Sick).
My sister and I wandered around for awhile. Went to the stripclub by my house and filled out an application. I was really surprised that I got an interview so fast and botched my chances of getting hired. I felt so self conscious afterwards looking over all the flaws he could have seen right off the bat. Uhg. I wasn't too pleased with myself.
I went out with my ex for dinner, and afterwards, we went to his favorite club. The night was lovely. When we were heading home, he felt ill so I said some familiar, humourous quotes in hopes of making him feel better. He started to cry, which turned out to be from laughing too hard.
Our weekend went nicely, though I was really bummed out to miss the Naughty But Nice Sex Show. I was waiting months to go, but gave up due to thinking I would be broke. I had plenty of money to go and my friends informed of how enjoyable it was. There's always next year, I keep telling myself (I have been telling myself this since last year). Once I get my nipples pierced, that should make up for it. Next period (I'll be grouchy anyway and it helps that I won't be having sex during that time either. I don't want any accidental agitation just incase I get bad swelling or something. I don't know what to expect either way).

I hate my father. He keeps informing me of the continuous deterioration of my grandparents. I love them so much and felt like they actually cared about me while I was growing up (where it was hard to find love at home because I was the oldest, the dumb one, and the troublemaker). I do not want to hear that they look like skeletons, that my grandma's cancer is back, that my grandpa has lost a lot of control over his body movements (from his stroke). I may like pain, but it's physical pain that I get off on, that I actually enjoy. I hate emotional pain because it hurts more and for longer periods of time. He seems to really enjoy watching me squirm and cry (negitive, non-consensual sadism that only he can benefit from).
He is also getting really cruel with his "jokes" (they aren't jokes, they never were and they are getting worse). My sister told me he made an AIDS crack at a lesbian who was on the news, who died and no one laughed but him (oh...she didn't died of AIDS either). He is probably afraid my sister is gay, and since their relationship is worse than it ever was, he had nothing good to say, and couldn't keep his ill-mannered comment to himself. I would have said something if I was there. My family is falling apart, but there wasn't a strong glue or bond holding any of us together (my sister is the only one who can get along with two members and occationally our mother, while I can only deal with her-meaning my sister-and rarely feel like stabbing her with an icepick).
I'm so miserable in this house, I just can't wait to leave.

Instinctively a Bad Girl.

2006-11-09T18:18:00.000-03:00

I have been travelling.
Sexually awkward in Halifax and feeling a physical constant agitation which nearly brought me to tears (until I caved in the shower). There was plenty good in my trip, but it hid under my pain and this pathetic dependance I have formed for an individual I am way too confused over. I saw my girlie again which was something I needed.
LA was a mish-mash of emotions and has driven me further into a hole of who I am. I was irritable due to PMS, the heat made things worse, but for the first few days I was decent. Then I was alone, sexually frustrated and feeling less myself.
I had a dream that I took for reality (therefore I had no control over it). I was fooling around with a friend of mine, and it felt so natural. I was hardly worried about hurting my ex and I felt good. I tried to keep the fantasy going throughout the week because too much negitivity formed. I would rest and see their eyes and feel their skin. Being plagued with my rag, I couldn't enjoy intimacy because menstration isn't sexy or enjoyable.
Men harassed men fairly often which bothered me (especially wondering around a big city, with a high crime rate, alone). I didn't exist to females, even in the gay community (which was where my ex and I stayed for the first few nights). There where several attractive women around us and I felt so ugly. My ex was rather pleased with all the appealing women.
I hate the sun and the heat. I hate sweating night and day, scortching under the sun. Is the snow really so much better? I don't know, but I did miss my layers, my cat and my room. I love travelling, but sometimes I need to feel like I'm home.
I was also physically ill through this trip.

So I wish to pierce my nipples. I'm sort of afraid of the pain and how they might heal (more or less if they won't heal). I was thinking about making it a very painful birthday present to myself. Then I can cry over physical pain or happiness from my own feat rather than silly miserable emotions. I'm not unhappy, persay. Just feeling negitive, but it's definately due to my birthday. I do not care for getting older, it doesn't bother me. I hate fake well wishers, my family and how I have to dictate a day I wish to stay in bed. It seems my ex will be joining me for dinner and maybe going to a club afterwards.

We all need to change ourselves once and awhile. Find a look that will bring us happiness, find a lifestyle more who we are. I am working on having more SM in my life because I do enjoy it. My ex doesn't care much for it, but I see his satisfaction when he whips me and I cringe or when I give him control over the food I eat. I have to ask him if I want to eat sweets and the first time I asked him he didn't remember, but caught on and said I was permitted to only eat the candy stick I asked him I could buy. It's kind of weird, but fun. I don't feel like I'm pigging out on junk food just because it's there. Lately I have been staring at some things I really want or not even noticing any of the junk food littering the cupboards in this house. I like it. I'm on the verdge of getting him to control my sex drive (whether or not I can actually masturbate, because he's starting to complain about that and I'm sure he would like to have sex whenever he pleases. I generally say no because I want to sleep and wake up just to go home the next day). Since we had some differences on our trip, I decided not to say anything.

Ugh. I'm going to trek to the store to send out a gift I bought for my girlie, see how much money I have (and get some out for tomorrow night). I should work on finishing high school and a letter to ship across Canada.
(More seneless garbage to come)

"I'm Floating In You..."

2006-10-30T19:23:00.000-03:00

The word NO is very important. I need to use it more. You know, to avoid more sexual assault (I never looked at how often people get away with it towards me. Kinda scary). Though I should make a safety word for sexual play. Haha, Mustash.
On another note of sexual play, I got me some flogging! Ooooh!! See, I've never really had an actual heavy flogging (and that wasn't centered around my tushie). I was excited and really happy that I finally got someone to whip me silly. *giggles* Sextera is only a few days away and I can get some REAL toys. Mmm.

I felt like I was in another dimention last week. It was really odd. I was over joyed to see my Polka-dotted-spotted-blondie and we trekked this dimention together. I was plagued with a whore illness which made me a miserable sack of crap...also being depressed didn't help. See, I seem to be nearing homelessness or insanity. My house is just as unbearable as when I left it the previous year, though there is more bitterness and conflict now. If I stay here any longer, I may lose all my hair from stress or chop up my arms beyong regognition. Therefore, I'm homeless and may be moving to Vancouver. Bye bye non-existant money, hello some freedom. I don't know if I even want to move with my ex, but I doubt I could live without him (or at least being physical. I can live alone, but I tend to miss sleeping with someone...sex or not). I guess it's cheaper and we would be seeing each other as if we were actually living together anyway so it makes sense. Just so long as he doesn't hurt me again and we don't live amidst horribly negitive energy again, we might be fine (our last place had depressed spirit of a junkie tainting it...).

Ooh Halloween is tomorrow! Yay! I have no costume. That kind of makes me sad, but no one here want's to do anything with me anyway and I probably shouldn't spend any money. Blah. I'll be a mummy! Hahaha!! A "sexy" mummy too (yeah right). I've begun the carving of the pumpkin because no one in my house feels competent enough to do so. My kitty has been eating some of the gooie pumpkin insides while watching me. He's such a great companion. Everything seems to amazing to him that he get's right in there, watching all my moves. I don't know what to actually put on my pumpkin. I want it to be something sinister, but there are so many limitations when working with a pumpkin.

Uhg, I hate my hair. It's too short to pull back when it's being stupid (yes, because hair has a mind of it's own. Didn't you know that pubic hair is just to make you stinky and ichy? Jeeze!). I want to dye it some interesting color (I even thought of green! I'll probably go back to blue-black) and find a style I would want to keep for a long long time. I hate having long hair because it get's in the way (I base this mostly around sexual acts as well. I cut it once to make it easier...HOW SICK IS THAT?!) and I don't do much with it to begin with, but I can wear it up and with a tickler in it (sort of burlesque) which is nice. I hate short hair because there is nothing I can do with it and actually be happy. I always assume one looks better on me when I have the other. Grr. I might as well just shave it all off and get rid of my eyebrows and go for the ill-look (it's uncanny how sick I look without bangs and when my hair is tucked under a hat). One of these days, I'll win! You just wait and see!

I'm going to be vain, I'm going to clean my room, I'm going to figure out the pumkin and halloween issue and pack my bags again.
(He told me not to eat candy and I can't bring myself to eat candy...)

"Where There Really Be a Morning?"

2006-10-20T03:07:00.000-03:00

This surge of anxiety will knock me flat on me arse.
So I have found a slight interest in a male in my life. How innappropriate. I think I'm just really greedy. I want to take everyone in my life I adore, stick them in a jar and hold them as my own. It hurts my ex to know this. I thought it was more loyal to someone who doesn't want me to tell them of what is going through my head. The thing is, it will fade, as does everything else. How can I love someone who doesn't know me? How can I give up the piece of my heart I have been fighting the greater portion of the year to get back? I have had such bizarre feelings as of lately. I don't feel like myself anymore.
A problem that has arised in my life comes in the matter of relocation. I have been desiring escape for so long, though now I have more emotion in place of this Hell. It's my home. It's where I have people I love. I actually love which is strange, and has obviously become a weakness. My ex has to find a place to live and is considering leaving to BC. He asked if I would go. I really don't know. I love him but what happens when I move my life to suit him and he no longer loves me anymore. That's my basic fear. That I will give up everything for him to have him abandon me. Maybe that's why I fancy others, so that I may have options or even a challenge to seduce, or I'm planning for the moment he breaks my heart again. I'm sick of questioning his loyality, my sexuality, and what I really want. Am I lying to myself?
Why can't my psychiatrist do his damn job?! I want some results. Tell me what is wrong and if it's serious enough, I'll take drugs, if it's an emotional phase, I'll get over it. I need help and there is too much building up around me. I am so happy I can forget my reality in this city to visit a female I care for. Some shared aid for both of us on my trip. I really do miss her and she brings some relief to my madness.

I sort of desire to sell my sexuality for whatever I can get for it. If I am merely an object for men to toy with, why not make money out of it. I was thinking of being safe and getting into more exotic dancing, stripping, waitressing rather than walking the streets and selling actual intercourse. Apparently, heavy feminists and lesbians get mixed up in such a trade because of how disconnected they feel towards men. In a straight womans sex life, it get's more in the way. See this is interesting. From what I have read, this seems 50% true. Valerie Solanas hated men and was an extreme feminist (fema-nazi, so beyond the original ideals of feminism). She was a prostitute for a good portion of her life. As much as she hated men, she used (profitted) them they way she new how (whether or not she really wanted the life).
After my escapes from this reality, I will have to face the mental burdens my ex has bestowed upon me. I do really wish to leave...

Francis Farmer suffered 11 years of her life without actual cause. She was a rebel and locked away in a mental institution, given a trasnorbital lobotomy, and abused by her mother upon regaining a glimmer of freedom. I'm so sick of hearing so much drama (even my own), I would want to see someone go through her misery and tell me how bad their lives were beforehand.

"There's no Breakfast at Tiffany's if you don't eat."

2006-09-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

You know you should feel horrible though you feel nothing at all. Was it something you did that you are hiding from or are you so sick of the shit you can't bother anymore? My life will slow down and I will die. I can't really say that I have been home long enough to actually relax. I am also taking great distaste to people. A "friend" of mine can't make up her mind. I feel as though she will only be around me when she has no one else. She has more interest in the male on my leash then in me...but she has interest in most any man, taken or not. She has made advances before towards my ex...of course she caved easier then a sandcastle when he finally offered. Then she acted like she felt bad for what she did to me though she felt bad that she looked bad to someone else. She told my ex she was definitely coming to town for a show which she backed down on when she found out I was in the room (MSN). Saturday and a few days previous it was "I'm coming into town..." "Oh I can't make it because of financial issues." I used her excuse on her and went out with someone else who actually cared to spend time with me. Really, she used me for someone to do her hair for cheap (and she isn't taking care of it either). I played the dumb oblivious girl for far too long. I pretended she had a brain, that she was a good loyal girl who wouldn't move in on a "friends" man (ex or not), I thought there was something good under her fake exterior. The hard part is kicking an emotionally charged, attention freak out of one's life (she is never really alone though she claims she enjoys it, I think it would destroy her.)

I quit my job yesterday. It is bothering me so much because I had a place to go and an almost definate paycheck and soon I will have nothing at all. I need a break really badly, but I was financially unprepared for this (at least I should have 2 paychecks left). I paid my mother back for my cell phone bills and I paid for my tickets to LA (minus a place to stay and fun, food and transportation money). I was thinking of having a short temporary job until my trips and looking for a real one after I get back. There's a better chance I will not be able to get a decent paying job again that has a lot of time and work flexibility. I believe I just dug myself a hole. Question is, how do I get out?

I know it won't last too long, but my ex and I have established a really lovely relationship. It took quite some time to make any progress what so ever (due to some of the shit we put each other through), but things are generally tolerable. Lately I have found the reason why he meant a lot to me. It was hiding under our own issues (so I imagine he was lost as to why he still cared about me) and once those cleared, things were delectable. We have been playful, intimate, and going out together and enjoying each other when in the past, such occations were rare. I went to a club with him out of my own distaste and I let him do his thing and just absorbed the sexual and pleasant energy of everyone else. I can say I enjoyed myself. I lightened up the previous time because I found him after a stressful predicament. I was more happy that he was there and I actually got to spend time with him then anything else. The only thing I hate is how he says he loves me. He has hurt me before so I'm just trying to re-adjust my views of him. See things more in the moment and love every good moment with him, and fade out any fears or past pains I may think of. I feel magnificent around him and I really need that right now (why? I'm jobless and feeling less then I may be worth, I am down a close friend of mine and I'm not quite myself anymore. Need some assurance that I have someone who loves me and who finds me attractive).
A weekend without my ex...I can't deal with a night.

Sexual issues: Girl, boy, voyuerism, threesome, go away, take what you can get because that's all I'm giving you. Really, I want to close up and never let anyone in again unless I know they want me for more.

I know it started as a joke, but I find working at a sex store appealing. The money may be bad, as the hours may be bad as well. However, I think the customers and the actual atmosphere itself could really be interesting. It might not look as appealing on a resume though. I was thinking of applying and working at such a place until I got another job. Maybe keep it as another source of income (another way of saying double income, single mother...I felt like a single mother to my ex when we lived together, and we might live together again soon). I'm sure I would be stressed and would lose any "me" time I might have...I don't know. I'm in a rut and looking for something in hopes it will get me out. At least in a sex shop I have more freedom with my attire (at least I assume that I would. No business casual or uniform).
I think I fear the future. Finding and adjusting to a new job (something unfamiliar). Will I be looking for a new home after coming home from my holidays? Will I get to keep a wonderful relationship with my ex? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?! What is happening to my mind? My greatest desire in times like this would be to crawl into bed and live off fantasies until things are bearable.
I miss my girlie...

"But the darkest jokes can have a secret truth. You think you're making a joke, when in fact you're confessing a terrible fear or desire."
"He made an exciting discovery last night. What was it?
Oh yes. His yardman is going to kill him."

Long nights...

2006-08-16T14:45:00.000-04:00

So I have finally reach a state of continuous numb. Everything bothering me is eraced and I feel no strong emotions. Well let us review somethings.
Last weekend I went to watch some friends play at a bar. I was in better spirits because I was happy to be around people I call my friends. One of the band members, who had broken up with his jealous girlfriend, actually hugged me and talked to me for a change (on the odd occation previously he would talk to me, only if his woman was out of the picture. People generally end up talking to me because I make the effort to converse back and give eye contact which is somehow hard to do it seems). I thought it was rather odd, but she never seemed to really like me anyway so I guess he can't get into trouble now for just attempting to be friendly. At some point he stole my sweater and so we played an interest to insult game...I think I called him emo at some point.
The female I went to the show with left early with me (drunk me...) and I went home for a change (my ex was rather negitive that night and said he didn't want me over). Eventually, I fought with my ex over the phone and everything was my fault until he told me of what he had done with the female I went to the bar with. Apparently, they decided to have sex one night while I was upset with him. Seeing as I thought I was the bad guy and I wanted to change myself for him...yeah, where's the equality? Whenever he does something wrong I always have to feel horrible for it and somehow I deserve the blame. I think I'm next to retarded for not leaving him by now. He rode his bike to my house at 3 in the morning. I ranted about my feelings and how he keeps doing this to me and how he needs to put some effort into a relationship with me if he actually wants one (I totally agree with a comment he said years ago "I think you are the only girl who can put up with me." No one else could deal with this shit and no one else would actually keep him after he did to them what he has done to me). He felt a lot worse then I did. I was hurt that he would do that...again, but I can't feel much anymore. Stab, some pain, ok now to sleep.
The rest of the weekend he acted out in guilt. He put his arm around me on the bus (I'm not used to that so I made a confused face at him), he would hold my hand and not complain, he kissed and touched me more. At least I know he want's me, for the time being anyway. I have no trust in him anymore and I shouldn't have even had any after the blonde retard was in the picture, but I said to him that I don't want to show I can't trust him by continuously asking if he has done anything and I would hope he could tell me as soon as something happened. Almost two weeks late, but he finally told me.
See, he only goes out on weekends with other girls, chats with other girls more often then any guys (his band...that and probably 2 other guys make up the people he probably doesn't care as much to talk to), and I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE UPSET WITH HIM. I can't hang around with other men without him getting his panties in a knot, I can't talk to men on the phone every odd week without him fussing (oh I'm sorry I take the odd call while you have some female asking for attention more often then I do...). He is lucky I have been far from myself lately or I finally would have gotten rid of him. I tried before and he wouldn't let me. Make some fucking sacrifice once and awhile for the one you love (I haven't really seen anything he has given up for me and since I have caved into sex, the old boy is returning). Yes, I understand the want to talk to others, but I don't get anything but sexual advances from him...oh and a dull hour on the couch watching tv (*see better tone further down*).
I don't know what love is, I don't know who actually cares about me and I don't think I can go through with any relationship with anyone now (friendship or more). People always treat me like shit. If I'm such a great person because of what I'm willing to do for people, then why can't anyone just love me and be happy with that? I hope I lose my mind because I would probably feel much better in a stupor alone in my room, then knowing people who don't care about anything but themselves or about a quick romp in the sack! The only people who haven't shown sexual interest in me is the guy in the band I saw who decided to hug me and my female friend (and other females...but they all seem to care less about me except her).

Hmm...was there anything else to catch up on? 30 year old male still want's to sex me (I enjoy his company as well. Smart pervert which is cool!). Oh ok, so I invited him to a show of some sort, and we ended up downstairs at the bar. We talked and he kept asking for hugs and I complied (hugs are harmless and nice...it's just weird being asked to hug someone so often). I kissed him on the cheek because my friend was doing so as well. He wrote me saying he wanted an actual kiss out of me (and that I owed him 163 hugs...never got around to telling me the math behind it tho).
Well we ended up going out the next night which was lovely (while my ex had already had his kicks with our mutual friend the previous night). We drank and talked and watched sex on the bar tv (now that is awesome! Quiet, fairly empty bar, drunk and watching sex on tv). Of course he got his real kisses out of me. Wow, I forgot my ex the way he forgot about me. I know there was quite a difference in age, but he's a guy so I get along with him. He has a naughty mind much like my own and he doesn't care about what others think (I don't care about what others think...I just hate being noticable. Once that is a problem, duck and cover). He made me feel better and at the time I needed that (Hell, I still do. Maybe toss in some "forget the ex boytoy" sex into the mix and my life might FINALLY get better). He walked me to my bus stop holding my hand (his excuse was to hold me up. And it's nice when someone actually enjoys and wants to hold my seemingly "parasitic" hand). I made my way to my ex's all happy and feeling good about myself (a guy whistled at me as I walked passed him on the street. My headphones were enough of an excuse to ignore him).
I believe it was that week where everyone was either really getting on my nerves or out of town. I wanted to get away from these people and went to my 30 year old to crash at his place. The day was shuffled around and everyone who upset me compensated for it that weekend. I had a lovely time. I was woken up early to go out for lunch (I was hugged and kissed too because a friend felt bad for making me cry earlier). He dropped me off and I went to my grandparents house (something I dreaded not because I hate them, but because I love them so much I don't want to see them slowly decaying infront of me. I know they are old, that still doesn't take away the pain).
The next day I was hoping to have a nice day with my ex (because I crashed at his house the night before) and leave to get ready for what I had planned that night. After being bitched at because I am not strong (helping him move his large reptile tank to be cleaned), I decided to get ready to go. He was upset with me because I did have things to tend to later and apparently I used him for sex (yeah...because sex is the only thing I want out of him apparently. He always tries to make himself feel better through getting mad at me). He didn't make up his mind early enough so I didn't go swimming with him. Instead I went with a male friend to his place. I thought I was there to help him with his website, but after kissing me and touching me...well, I got the picture. I went limp so he could deal with me how he pleased. It was rather funny flopping about because he couldn't hold up my dead weight. Eventually he carried me to his room and plopped me onto his bed. We kissed...he attempted to tease me but I totally won because I really wasn't interested (trying to be a good girl for someone who really doesn't care). He played the guitar for me and we talked and ate animal crackers in his bed. Apparently we is kissin' cousins! Yeehaw! We are both Russian and our relitives in Canada are from Manitoba. Haha, that was funny. Even though I was most likely brought there for sexual purposes, it was still fun to spend time with him. We went to pick up his girlfriend (she probably knew that's why I was there...interesting relationship...not going to get into that now) and they dropped me off downtown.
I went looking for dinner and gave up and walked to the working portion of the train tracks (closed downtown for construction). Went to Mr. 30's place. We picked up some alcohol and watched movies. Very nice evening. Crashed before 12. See that got me into trouble. I was out with a guy and I didn't answer my phone. My ex did that to me for whole weekends and I did it once and I'm the most horrible person alive. After talking to my ex the next morning, I rushed to the train station and went on my long journey home. I got ready to go see my ex only to find he had other plans and so I decided to attempt to nap.
A guy from work phoned and we talked for awhile. Eventually I left and picked up some food for my ex and I. Took the bus as far as it could go and started walking to where he was. Had to back track with him and another guy to get stop smoking patches. The rest of the night was spent bumming around (the guy who hugged me...) a friends house (is he my friend? I never know who is these days...) watching tv and talking. Haha, zombies! And someone finally agrees with me on the horror movie thing (things that pop out are the worst part to horror movies because the image is imprinted on the memory and is an image seen before sleeping).

*Ok, so I made my ex the bad guy again...I never know what to classify him as anymore (even our relationship is something I cannot identify). I started writing this yesterday and got myself into a negitive funk. I do believe I am equal to him and it is unfair of me to represent him as the only monster.
I love every inch of the good times we have together. Last night was a huge example of it too. We got along and we were so playful together. It ended nicely with us curled up on a tiny love seat together (I was freezing cold so we were bundled up under a tiny blanket). I know there will be quite some time before I can instill a pinch of trust in him again, but I don't want to let things get in the way. We both need to change and work on ourselves so we can finally have a decent relationship. Things were bad, he told me the truth (that's mainly what I wanted if sexual things were to happen), now to move on and grow. Yes, there is a good chance he will be back to his old self (negitive, high out of his mind, and hardly ever intimate unless he's been bad, horny or high), though I'm hoping for some change in him. If I am willing to change unbearable qualities in myself, an effort out of him would be more then lovely as well. I just really hope I'm not getting my hopes up to have him hurt me again. That is really unfair (abuse really. Hurt someone and make them clay in your hands, a little slave that won't let go).
*continued later...

"If you try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps."

2006-07-31T18:15:00.000-04:00

My stomach is soooo upset right now. I'm an emotional wreck and my most important relationship is bringing me a lot of sorrow...again. I want him to pin me down so I know he really does NEED me. He hurt me lastnight and I don't think he will understand why. No matter how many times I attempt to explain myself...what's the point anymore? It's as though I'm his radio, but he turned me off because he's sick of listening to the same old news or love/hate songs. I crave to just keep him as my own, hold him and never let him go, but it's so hard to do right now. I want to get better so bad but I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what to do. Why is it so hard for him to see that he has someone who would do ANYTHING for him, no matter how painful it is? I stayed by his side when he was dating someone else and crushing my heart daily. I kept him in my life after I decided I wanted to get over him. I really don't know what I can do, I'm sick of hurting over him...and I fear tonight, a lot. Thus the stomach ache. I wonder what I will be this time. I wonder what he will do, how he will react. I sort of want to see some expression that shows he can't bare to lose me, but I doubt this will do anything at all. It probably won't hurt him because I probably already lost him. Ouch...well that's a reality I can't bare to face again.
So anyone care to stop me from going out on a walk, and finally jumping off that bridge that always tempts me when I'm at my breaking point? It's not like I will go through with it, I'm just so frustrated and I want to just avoid everything (so thoughts of suicide are all I have to make me contempt).
I hate complications, and having feelings. I desire to be numb. To pretend life is a really dull novel or movie that starts up and ends when I want it to (instead of this stressful and painful mess that it is). I really wish I could drown myself of reality because I'm sick of how painful it is. I want to be so weak that I cave into suicide, but I love some people and do not wish to hurt them. Just going to appease them until I have fucked EVERYTHING up and when I'm finally alone, when I have not a person alive to love me back, then I have no one to hurt.
I probably sound like every other angsty teenager. I don't care actually. If a genuine plee for someone to save me is angsty...then thus is what I am. I can't save myself. I tried and I'm still trying. I'm not mentally strong. My mind is deteriorating and I can't tell what is wrong with me. I have assumed Schitzophrenia, but being a hypochondriac makes it hard for me to make a diagnosis that could actually be possible.
Right now I really need help and I have no where I can turn. Wow, funny how things work out that way for me. I'm always here in this city and I can be there when someone really needs me, but I never can turn to anyone (they can't help me or won't listen or I'm not close enough to them, or they don't understand me or are far away...).
I'm going to get ready for a long, long night.

The Pain Running Through My Veins.

2006-07-26T09:19:00.000-04:00

I'm sick again...or still. My stomach was quite upset lastnight (oh you should of heard it. My little thunderstorm that lasted for hours). Now this morning my nose is dripping. I'm never going to win in the sick and healthy game. I thought I would feel better by now seeing as I had to deal with a couple weeks of throwing up my stomach everyday. Mmm...Ginger ale...

Psychiatrist tonight...Let's hope my breasts aren't old man magnets. I mean, he should be professional and it's generally pretty obvious when someone is staring at your chest. He can't see what's on my necklaces very well, plus he always makes sure to add in the quick body look over. Real smooth old chap...Now tell me that I know you but don't remember where from and tell my "boyfriend" that he will have to share...oh wait, I'm crazy AND single...who the Hell is going to believe me?
Oh and on the boyfriend note...I used to have a great excuse from not having guys pick me up, get me drunk and seduce me. It doesn't work anymore...IT DOESN'T FREAKING WORK!! "So I'm taken, and NOT looking and FAR from interested in you." "Well none-the-less girlie, that really shouldn't matter anymore. I'll use my "suave" pick up lines until I'm irresistable." *Strange creepy males eyebrows bob up and down* So a girl is no longer safe. I love being alone, but right now I fear it. I need to desicrate my face or dress up like a hutterite or something in hopes I can walk about and NOT even be stopped. Here's my list since Friday night: The 30 year old who has a crush on me (he hasn't been all that bad...he didn't even talk to me much on Friday...it's just the matter of attraction with a 12 year difference), the EX-PRISONER who was drunk out of his freaking skull and who wouldn't leave me alone (felt the need to help me, which made things worse, especially since I went outside to be alone. I EVEN SAID FUCK OFF!), the guy who asked for a lighter (afterwards saying: "Are you going home tonight? Not going out to party? You should come party with me. I'm not a stranger. I don't think your boyfriend should care. You've met me before you just have to think about it." You can almost guess what I was saying...) and lastly, the oriental boy who HAD to force his way in my fucking face, then my friends face (apparently he's not a stranger either. He wouldn't shut up EVEN while I was on the phone, which is what I was on when he came to bug me. The he said that my boyfriend shouldn't be so jealous, and he invited me out for a movie and a drink. Through his accent I heard something about fiance and being my boyfriend as well. Yeah, I'm a sleaze who LOVES to be unfaithful to give people who I would scare the shit out of a chance). So this past month I have been bothered...by WAY more men then I ever wanted. One guy asked me out for drinks at 11 at night...TUESDAY NIGHT. I was bitchy and wanted to get to my "boyfriends" house. Really, I have no interest in gaining anymore friends, or fucking anyone else. I like my small group of artists.
(Wow, a little realization here...I wasn't dressed provacative in anyway each time. My layers cannot detour the male from me...Oh god, how can I be saved! Will I ever be able to roam alone again?)

Tipping the Velvet...Heehee, lovely. Showcase played that during pride week sometime ago. I found it, bought it, and watched it (begining to end this time). Quite a good...show? heehee, the main character has nice breasts (I know, I sound just like a guy. I oogle naked people in any movie I watch. Ewan McGreggor has a nice PENIS...now do I sound like a typical male? Yeah, thought so!)! Ok currently at work...currently typing about breasts and genitalia...moving on now...

My week: Monday-Dentist & boy boy, Tuesday-Run around town. Night with Girlie, Wednesday-Psychiatrist and maybe night with boy boy (movie or hauling my ass out of bed to go to his house), Thursday-Friends in band have a show, Friday-Girlie #2's B-day party, Saturday-Freeday! No obligations sooo far, Sunday-Battle of the Bands. Super. So I have a nice long busy week so no time to clean my room or NAP!

Stressed out of my head right now. Had a really bad panic attack on the weekend (hyperventilated, rolled around insanely...shook like crazy. Yeah only one way to stop them really. Several ways to slow and calm one down though...). THought I was going to crash my friends car because of my thoughts and since I was weak I assumed the Speaker she had to cart around on the back seat was going to topple over on her as she abruptly stopped. No one understands my anxiety attacks; "Relax, don't get so stressed." Well it's not as easy as that. I'm also seeing someone to make things...better?
Going back to work before I get into trouble...

Meanless Child.

2006-07-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

So I have to go for my FOURTH pap smear this year...FUN! And a test proved possitive for something a "friend" passed onto myself and my ex. So I have to go in for another series of tests, that stupid fourth pap in three months time, and I have to tell the people I got it from that they need to fix their innards before any future plans of children are non-existant.
Another linking story; I took the medication on Tuesday and it didn't mix well with my illness. Oh right, I forgot to mention I have a flu-type illness and haven't been able to keep anything down (and that has been going on for quite sometime, but it has progressively gotten worse over the past week). So while out with a friend, I spent a good hour throwing up my insides and pissing out my ass in her bathroom (which was cleaned merely minutes previous to when I used it). I had to get another dose today (and I had to take Gravol for the first time in years. Disgusting stuff), which wasn't too smart because I took it before heading home on transit. I got home and forced myself to sleep in hopes to keep it down. I have been nauseas all day, however, I managed to keep it down. So thrilling year I have been having! Trying to make things better while they only get worse.

I told my ex I didn't want to be around him anymore through email not too long ago. So after he reads it, this should be a rather interesting night...unless he really doesn't care, in which case shows how much I did really mean to him (if I had to crawl and suffer for love, why can't he?) I'm not doing this to have his nuts under my heels (pussy-whipped), I'm doing this because I really don't think he cares about me and I am sick of games and uncertainty. Hell, I'm barely allowed to talk to other men though he told me he would fuck any girl who would let him (but he has a good week of no sex...to add to this week). How is that fair? The world ends when I lie to him, but it's almost a joke if he lies to me (and how do I know I'm the only girl for him knowing all that?). If you love someone, they should be able to just know it and not have to continuously question it. I can understand when people have issues showing it, but it's not hard to make a simple effort. He gave me his ex-girlfriends ring (that she lost)...I mean it's a nice gesture because he don't have enough money to spend on Tea, and it's a first since a week before my birthday. I really don't expect gifts, but since I buy him so much just because (I even bought him Acryllic paints and paint brushes, other art supplies...you know"inexpensive" items...).

Wow...he seems rather apathetic. Quick questions and that was that. I knew I was just some familiar face. Hooraw. Now onto my new life. It took this long to find out...how sad. Well I hope he feels good about himself.

After going to a bookstore 3 times, I had to go back to get my bag. I got my sister to retrieve it and waited in the entrance where I talked to a guy about the tattoo's we had in likeness. It was interesting. Apparently I have good taste in tattoos (though he only saw one). Yeah, silly short story, but it was nice to meet another Satanic person who wore the symbol out of some form of belief and not because it's scary or like their favorite metal band.

I'm going to go get some work done. Things are piling up all around me so might as well pay some attention to them (oh and I'll fill in some information about my psychiatrist next week after I see him next).
Adieu.

"I feel so naked, I'm sick of the dealers grey hair."

2006-07-17T20:22:00.000-04:00

I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer! (so that should go to that meow mix jingle with no words...just meowing...). It's too hot, the blinding and scortching sun is out. Insufferable, vile days slowly creeping by.

I have some fears about tomorrow. I don't wish to confide in some stranger who will only give me pills. I refuse to go to a female doctor because they seem to be too mushy. I want a dickhead who knows what he's talking about and who is willing to help because either way (being little miss nice or plain old Mr. Doctor), he will still get paid, but best to get one's money's worth. I was completely forced into it, though I know damn well I need it, doesn't mean I'll like it either. I'm doing this for my ex because he wanted me to seek help to "save" me which would result in us supposedly saving our relationship...yeah this was back at the end of December. We still don't have the relationship I wanted, but tough shit I guess. He seems rather worried about losing me to my dear attraction. I find that funny. There was NOTHING I could do to keep him, but when he seems threatend by an attraction of mine, he tries to sell himself to me as though he's done nothing wrong. I do love the boy to pieces...I think. I mean, I love him, he's just pissing me off a lot lately. I do like that he makes some little efforts here and there to show me I can be important (and then the rest of the time be an average emotionless boy. Or maybe he's just nice to me when he wants sex...that makes more sense anyway).
So anyway...hopefully the psychiatrist isn't a complete nightmare. I fear telling him EVERYTHING because of how he may react...I don't know why I'm going anymore (outside of my ex's old request). I really don't want to and what is ONE appointment 7 months from when I originally needed help. This is frustrating. What happens if I have to wait another 7 months to talk to him again? Well I could go through a whole drug cycle (getting pills, taking them, adjusting to side effects, forget to take them, feel the withdrawl, start taking them again, side effects start up...etc.) and take note of everything that happend while on them before seeing him in another 7 months. I'm really hoping for something good to come out of all this...

Some Fine Grey-Scale Bionical Spin Brush You Got.

2006-07-06T00:45:00.000-04:00

So I'm stressed out of my fucking head and fairly mentally derranged at the moment. This calls for the "The Things I Love" list!! Yay! It's in no order...
1. The Rain & dark, cool, cloudy days
2. Music
3. Feeling the shape to his penis through his pants/shorts/nikkers (purr...)
4. Him and everything about him
5. Her
6. Books, movies, and all my hobbies (too many to get into detail)
7. Lugosi & Camille
8. Piano, keyboard
9. Sex...with him (I would try her...fear destroying our friendship)
10. The cloudless, light pollution-less night sky
11. Making me lovelies happy
12. Special little moments with someone I love
13. Intimacy
14. Halloween, dressing up, certain hats
15. Puddle jumping, kisses in the rain
16. Dancing in my PANTIES (and my perverted liking towards panties makes it grand)
17. Antiques
18. BDS&M
19. Moths, fat bees, dragonfies, dead flowers (alive too)
20. Walking at night
21. The feeling of water showering down on me after returning to myself after mush
22. My tattoos
23. My fake family
24. Coast to Coast AM and old radio shows
25. Swimming (minus the people and the sun...but that is near impossible)
26. Art-viewing, creating, admiring (his and hers)
27. Patterns: PLAID!, stripes, checkerboard (as fishnet as well)
28. His laugh
29. Orgasms...

GET GONE
How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lass's
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about meHow many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin' go
-Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
-Fiona Apple

He hasn't called me...

2006-06-02T02:51:00.000-04:00

I hate myself.
I am a sapphic femminst who loves and desires men.
I am happy when I'm numb.
I sleep better in the light, or in his bed.
I crave to feel her, and fear to lose him.
I hate Tea, but I smoke it.
I have so much I want to do, but I'm tired and lazy.
I decided to cave into birthcontrol to end up with all the negitive side effects (however it has removed the pregnancy element from my life by making sex too painful to go through with).
I want money to escape, but I have a spending problem.
I am depressed, stressed, alone and sexually deprived.
I am lost.

So I really don't know what to do with myself. I was hoping by now I would be in a relationship with my ex and that I would be better by now. I caved into mutilation, and I exploded. Changes take time, but this is frustrating.

"Easy is just too comfortable, too simple. And I am one of those slack and laguid women, and I like it. Don't want to be too difficult: a women can die from complications. You know what you are too: a hard woman, bought with an even harder diamond. Not me. I am easy, disposable, a convenience like anything else you rent or buy, eventually throw out. The men like girls like me, I have no face to condemn them, just the flowing shape of a woman, my cunt young and loose, a one-size-fits-all garment for their slow bodies, their sagging lives." -Rima Banerji (an excerpt from Sugar Zero)

I am vulnerable...Can you love me?

My Dear, Please Make up Your Mind.

2006-05-27T00:54:00.000-04:00

My ex is upset when I go out with a girlfriend, upset when I'm out with a guy, upset when I repeat to him what he said to me before (something that really hurt me too. When I repeat myself, I act as though I am vile because that is how I feel). The twist is, he gets to go out ALL the time with women he has fucked or attempted to fuck and "enjoy" being single (I'm sure he is waiting for the day that easy ex-goth desides to spread her legs for him). He can pick me up at late hours of the night for company so when we get to his place he is glued to the computer, smoking Tea all the while I'm alone watching tv or staring blankly into the darkness of his room. He has no right to get upset at me if I decide I need someone to LOVE ME IN RETURN. If he is hoping I will wait around, he will probably be lucky until I smarten up. It is really hard to love someone who treats one farily foul, but it is REALLY hard to let them go. Out of anger I tend to want to drop him like a hat, but once we depart, I have to call him or rip my body to shreads. I am so upset. Why do I always have to get hurt? I guess I set myself up for it, but this whole situation is far from fair.
So...I hate work, hate myself, hate talking to people, hate how he treats me, hate the sun which thankfully has been hiding (FINALLY SOME RAIN!!), I hate hate hate...is this angst? I am to awkward around someone I have feelings for to make any moves (and probably have given her the impression I don't want to be intimate with her unless it is out of spite). The man I love a little too much doesn't have anything decent to give to me (such as time. Today we saw his movie, then ignored my movie for pain and disatisfaction because I have HORRIBLE taste in everything! I can't have a relationship with him because the want to explore vaginas of the city is more important then someone who has too much love and loyalty. Jeeze, now aren't I the bitch!). "Welcome to your permanant, nightmarish conundrum!"
So I think I'm going to go have some fun with some sleeping pills...

Alive: yes, Happy: no.

2006-05-14T19:35:00.000-04:00

I was doing alright, things were lovely between my ex and I (and eventually the little girl was eraced), but with all good things must come the bad. I have been sick for well over a month, poisoned myself with a herbal contraceptive, and let the fighting and crying begin. I'm deep in a love hole over my ex (still) and he wants to go exploring the easy womans vagina for awhile. So an act I used to see as special and a beautiful way to show two humans feelings for each other is turning into something pointless. I am also worried that when a girl does decide to spread for him that I will get hurt again and I will finally lose him. He doesn't seem to notice that...Or maybe he really doesn't care. I feel so unattractive right now and I am craving the love I used to have. I really wish we could maintain the wonderful days much longer and that arguements are short and non-destructive if they happen at all. That would be so lovely...but I doubt he would actually want me back, even if things stayed good, or decent.
When he was dating that wretched female, he told me many things you shouldn't tell the weak hearted. They were horrible things in the beginning and things women die to hear in the end. Eventually I talked about the chance that I might have found someone else and it bothered him. He might be doing that to me now to see how it effects me, but I highly doubt it. He probably won't even react when I do actually find someone else.

My mother is everything I hate, and in highschool, she would have been one of the girls to pick on me. She decided to discuss marijuana with me...how today's marijuana is stronger then back in the day. I lack respect for majority of teaheads and I made sure she knew that. All she got from me today was a hug, in the hospital at 2 :30 in the morning...and really, that is more then she deserved.

Last night I got a call from my sisters friend who put me on the line with my sister. I couldn't understand her and I was told she was going to the hospital. I was REALLY worried because I didn't know what was wrong and neither of us wanted our parents to find out (we have a really bad family...). The police and docters thought she was on ecstacy, or retarded or mixing drugs...she was sober and I knew damn well she was even if I only talked to her friend over the phone. The police yelled at my sisters friend (apparently crying and showing concern isn't what sober people do...I don't know how that makes sense), and they called my parents. My mother called me without a pinch of concern in her voice...I was WAY more concerned for someone I was related to then she was over someone she gave birth to. I cried while I was on the phone with my sisters friend and that didn't really stop until I actually knew I could go to the hospital (so after some time on the car ride there). Really, my parents and brother could die or be and the hospital and there is a good chance I wouldn't cry, but my sister is the only one in this house I can talk to and I am the same for her. She was fine when I got there and I could finally set my mind to ease and sleep when I got to my ex's (I don't sleep at ome anymore it seems...).

So the three people I really care for have had bad things happen to them over the past few weeks...I believe I should be worried...

TERRIBLE ANGELS
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
You provide the birdbath
I provide the skin
And bathing in the moonlight
I'm to tremble like a kitten
If blue eyed babes
Raised as hitler's little brides and sons
They got angelic tendencies
Like some boys tend to act like queens
Oh if every angel's terrible
Then why do you watch her sleep
You love to hear her sing
And wear purple eyes like rings
Well the flowers have no scent
And the child's been miscarried
Oh every angel's terrible
Said freud and rilke all the same
Rimbaud never paid them no mind
But jimmi morrison had his elevators
His elevators
He had his elevator angels
If every angel's terrible
Why do you hide inside her
Like a child in a skirt
The supermarket's loud and bright
And boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
If every angel's terrible...
-Cocorosie

Play With Me.

2006-03-09T20:30:00.000-03:00

Now there is a story to post. I didn't feel like writting about my weekend. I have it written down somewhere else on my computer...
So lastnight my ex came over. Of course my addiction to this elcetronic device kept me from showering (I was caught up in a discussion of "Science". You know, touching people, fucking people, doing destructive things all for the sake of science...haha) and so instead of perchance having have glimpses of my naked body, I decided it was best if I just washed my feet in a shallow bath. We sat together on the ledge of my bathtub with our feet in hot water (it was unbearable for awhile). I'm sure my parents think there is something wrong with me. I'm always in the bathroom getting wet with my friends...and this was the first time (to their knowledge) with a boy. After talking about how we were white trash or hill billies and his cats impending doom or spay, it was time to get out. I went looking for socks for him...explaining to my mother I needed socks because we were washing our feet together...yeah, it sounds weird.
After drying off and dinking around for awhile, we went to get him some food. So he was eating his vomit on a bun, I was ripping open my half of a chicken and we talked of many a odd things. Went to my room where we became lazy asses. My energy had faded at this point (I was bouncing around earlier, so it was nice to calm down, but I sort of crashed...good mood, just no fuel) so I just nattered on about whatever came to mind. It was nice to spend some good quality time with him...for a change. We did fine on the weekend, but we were also in a group. I think we will get ourselves into trouble one day...we are still relatvely sexual together (we don't kiss or have sex anymore, but we strip infront of each other, and touch...and somethings that would piss off anyone who was trapped in a relationship with either of us. Then again, that is how we have always been around each other), but who am I to care?

I have been dying to go out dancing! I highly doubt I would do so if given the opportunity, but I still have something inside me yelling at me to dance. So to kill it, I think I will find some bouncy jump around music to listen to and jump around attempting to dance on my bed in my underwear! Dancing is sooo much better when stripped down to the basics.
Something to fear is some footage of my friends band. They are playing great and it is there first show...but there is a drunk me at the end that is attempting to hide from the camera...my friend is going to get it onto one of his websites and I'm not getting cut from the ending. Sad sad...maybe it will get me some fame...haha. Apparently, I have to be apart of a band that may never exist. The vocalist is being forced into it, and she doesn't want to. The bassist and guitarist didn't or don't know about any of this. The drummer doesn't exist and I don't know how to play the keyboard to pull tasteful sound out of it. We will gather and get a show. We will start the first song and before we can even finish it, destroy our instruments on stage and walk away. Sure sounds like fun to me though...

2006-03-07T21:42:00.000-03:00

The weekend was so very delightful.
Sometimes I do the most foolish things and feel so much better about myself.
Life is getting better. There is a hole in my heart right now, but my digestive gnomes are working on fixing that.
I DO BELIEVE
"Oh i do believe
In all the the things you say
What comes is better
Than what came before
You'd better run, run run, run run
To me
Better come, come come, come come
To me
Better run, run run, run run
To me
Better come
Oh i do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better
Than what came before
You'd better run, run run, run run
To me
You'd better run, run run, run run
To me
Better come, come come, come come
To me
Better come"
-Cat Power

"The Marriage Of Heaven and Hell."

2006-02-26T18:34:00.000-03:00

Everything is all mixed up. Chaos is definately my life. It seems the males in my life own me and they have their own women to tend to as well. Wow, strange...
This week was two sides of a coin...or good and bad. If that makes any sense...
Sunday was something I needed but I totally brought this weeks mess upon myself (intimacy with a friend...that wasn't my ex..)
Monday night was nice. I thought it made a good end to something that didn't end...
Tuesday after spending a lovely evening with one of the few women in my life, I confessed to a naughty deed over the weekend to my ex. He was furious and frustrated with me which made me miserable. I hate making people feel horrible, but I do it so well. Our conversation ended on a strangely sexual note.
Thursday (because Wednesday didn't exist. No Wednesday consisted of me and my ex talking...talking talking talking. Miserable talking) night I went with my ex to see a group of friends band rehearsal. My ex was fairly upset with me and the vocalist...and after the drummer left, the circus began. The girlfriend of the vocalist and I thought that my ex would ram the vocalists head through the wall. My ex choked himself with a patch cord, and all three males acted out in ritualistic showing off (with the usual things such as humping, destroying things, showing off body parts, and acts of aggression). Men are strange. After bombarding my ex who was hiding and having him fling me around, flipping me onto the couch, he decided he was sick of being trapped within an awkward Hell created by the vocalist and I (so I really fucked up their chance at having a friendship again), he started to leave. He asked if I was coming...and I had to chase after him. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I love him, but it was nice to be in a comfortable atmosphere (for me anyways) with friends. I really wanted to talk to him and after he stormed out and was chased by the man he wanted to kill, he came back (I was told he was pissed by the remaining musician...which was obvious, but it was nice to know what the thorn that was wedged into his paw was...instead of hoping for a wild mood swing).
I left with my ex and we sat together in the freezing cold in his car sharing a black cigarette and talking. It was nice to cuddle(?) up next to him just trying to relax, to breathe. He called me much later in the evening with another bizaar sexual conversation. We seem to have those A LOT. But I fell for him because of his sexual and morbid mind (and we could actually talk).
On Friday night I went swimming with my ex and actually enjoyed myself. Much better then the week before. The Walrus is going to pay for destroying the Egg Man's "perfect" skin!
The remainder of Friday night was...BAD! I went out to meet someone at a bar...and apparently he showed up at the big line at 11:30. While waiting for him, every drunk wolf looked me over with sexual intentions. 4 surrounded me. I was miserable so I drank until I was numb, but still capable of understanding what is going on around me. Being a young woman alone at night downtown is a nightmare of a situation...and two of the wolves wanted to keep me by their sides. One guy wanted to go jamming with another band a few doors and suggested we went to go get his Djembe. Of course I know it is REALLY stupid for a little girl to follow two older strangers around while druck, but I did so. I knew that the drummer man wanted to play really badly and would hope to play for me, lure me and then things might get bad. I followed them to the drummer's two room mini appartment (the washrooms were public...and was only a SMALL kitchen and enough space for a bed in each room). He got his drum, they smoked weed, and we trecked out to the bar. I didn't go in. I got out of this situation while I could, called my father and ate pizza...and talked to my distressed ex. Getting home and crawling into my spinning bed was the best part to that drunken nightmare.
Saturday morning, my ex woke me up even worse then the night before. I have never really had anyone cry over me but him and it hurt me that I would actually cause this much pain on someone I loved the most in the world. The whole situation made me wonder what I was doing. So I trecked over to his house in minus 25 weather. I tend to do this for him every so often...
We curled up to each other in his bed...then argued...then ate breakfast after I threatened to leave. Fucked up relationship, yes I know. We have been through too much to go our separate ways (though he thinks I'll ditch him without a second thought) and this hasn't been the best week. We watched Spawn together (as I dozed off every so often...haven't caught up on my rest yet...last weekend wore me down...and every late night this week) and he took me home. After several hours of nothing, I got to escape this dreaded house. I went out with the band I watched on Thursday and the vocalists girlfriend. Lots of drinking, inappropriate touching and cigarettes...it was delightful. I was trying to do something and not being drunk yet, I somehow made myself appear so by knocking my glass over which tossed around the contents of the ashtray and made a horrible mess. All my female companion and I could do was laugh and make a poor attempt to clean it up. The bassist took plenty from me...money to get him drunk, cigarettes, my attempts to look decent instead of like a pissed ass (he took me to go watch the band that was playing and was my crutch because I needed someone to support my weight...and he copped a feel at every chance he could get...but he was also doing so to the vocalists woman so it was all fair). The vocalist got his fill of me as well (pinching my ass, a kiss...grabbing my breasts...). After one trip to the washroom, my female companion and I stumbled our drunk asses back to the table, and I managed to slip out of my chair and fall on my tucas. I did the same after laying back onto the vocalists car and sliding to the ground. We made our way to the drivers house (vocalist too drunk to drive so we travelled under with a driver who never drove in the winter and who only had his learners...Weeeeee!). While there I found myself a touching glove (just like Micheal Jackson...I aspire to touch young-in's) and felt a guy up...he looked about...13. Pizza was ordered, the vocalists pants were pretty much ripped off his body and the remnants were used by the males to beat the crap out of each other. I had a delectable time, even though I was on the verdge of falling asleep. I left with the sobering up vocalist and his girlfriend. We got to their house and had to leave soon after to take me home because my ex called them about my whereabouts...I got home and we talked. To make things more confusing in our relationship, we had sex...("I've been a bad bad girl...")
With four hours of sleep (got to sleep around 6), I had to wake up...everyone around me was buzzing about and my family isn't known to be quiet. My ex and I layed in bed for an hour. I find that men are territorial and if they see you as their woman...you are owned. I have one man who is showing me he is very lost (there is plenty more to say here, but I'm not ranting about his behavior) and another man who seems angry because I'm in love with someone who hurts me (and seems to have some attachment to me, though I could be wrong. I talked to him today to find out he was angry at me).
Again...chaos. I am so lost. I really hope for things to smooth out and I hope I don't lose anyone along the way.
THE WHISPERERS
A lonely silhouette,
Smoking a cigarette,
Hoping for the phone to ring,,
Though she's sick of the sound
Of mouths
Winding her up
And putting her down.

Don't get sad
When people that you trusted stab you in the back.
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.

And now she wants to cry,
Staying in on Friday night,
Lying in her birthday suit,
And listening to the bickering,
From the room above,
And wondering if it's fear of loneliness or love,
That keeps people like that together,
Forever...

Don't get sad,
When people that you trust stab you in the back
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
You're on your own (you've gotta grow).
-The The

"...tnemoM elbarenluV tsoM yM sI sihT..."

2006-02-19T23:39:00.000-03:00

'Hi...'
He says,
To see if she listens.
Sweet boy,
Deep eyes,
That watch.
Sexuality,
Controlling,
Corrupting his mind.
Her curiosity,
The enticement,
Leads her to spead.
Fast love,
Some connection,
And danger.
After play,
They are adults,
And who have they hurt?
Such fantasy,
Caving to desire,
Smoking in the cold.
Intimacy,
Sunrise,
and the end of the night.

I felt so much better after getting out of my house. I really shouldn't lock myself into this agony. All my pain was bundled up tight and tossed away, and this morning I felt wonderful. Someone gave me a reason to feel better about myself and I couldn't resist buzzing. Walking around as though I had wings to carry me. How odd...Though I love it! Wooo! Kewsen Sie mich soener DAMON!!! Purr...

FAST LOVE
Looking for some education
Made my way into the night
All that bullshit conversation
Well baby can't you read the signs
I won't bore you with the details baby
I don't even want to waste your time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right
But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
What's there to think about baby?
Looking for some affirmation
Made my way into the night
My friends got their ladies
They're all having babies
But I just want to have some fun
I won't bore you with the details baby
Gonna get there in your own sweet time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right
What's there to think about baby?
Get yourself some lessons in love
In the absence of security
I made my way into the night
Stupid cupid keeps on calling me
But I see nothing in his eyes
I miss my baby
I miss my baby, tonight
So why don't we make a little room
In my BMW babe
Searching for some peace of mind
I help you find it
I do believe that we are practicing the same religion
You really ought to get up now
Looking for some affirmation?
-George Micheals

"This Is My Most Vulnerable Moment."

Tickle My Head Happy With Disturbed Imagery.

2006-02-11T04:14:00.000-03:00

So earlier tonight I wanted to kill myself. I was pretty much kaputz with my photography project, so I went to the bathroom to take out the film in the dark incase I didn't rewind it up all the way. I finally got the camera open to feel around at nothing. How frustrating to think that you finally have two people to cooperate and have several takes to choose from before finding the perfect ones to complete your assignment and all your time and effort was just a waste.
So I went for a walk (after one lonely drink) to clear my head and escape from wanting to buy something strong to sit alone and drown with. When I came home, I decided to come onto this contraption and found my happiness. I started talking to him and writing somewhere else and we talked of such morbid things. I was also listening to Marilyn Manson (he can suit a lot of my moods...like deranged. I was this way before I started listening to him so don't think my problems are a result of his music. You would be plenty wrong) which did assist in making a change for the better. Smells Like Children...an album which can get me riled up because of the flow of the music and how alluring it sounds.
I left some rambling elsewhere and I garantee anyone who reads it will think I'm absolutely nuts, but who am I to care?
All and all, good has become out of my misfortune...a bizaar twist, but so long as I can be happy for at least awhile, things will be decent in my mind.

Heal me my dear Brena...

2006-02-10T16:07:00.000-03:00

Last night was as mixed as any other night with him. I was in a good mood because I love being able to see him. It lasted longer then he expected.
We talked about random things that came up (which I generally started). He kept throwing things at me and saying that he was going to make a voodoo doll of me which was his explaination for pulling my hair out of my brush and trying to mix it into his clothes. Eventually he decided to sit in my bed (when really he shouldn't get close to my bed). I poked Paul Balenni and he attacked me back making me giggle defenselessly. When the monster stopped so could breathe, he positioned me so I was sitting between his legs. He massaged my back for awhile, pulled me into his body and massaged my front bones for awhile. He kept putting his face close to the side of mine and eventually pushed my neck down as if he was going to suck my blood. I made the comment "Are you going to be my Dracula?" which got him to bite me.
He turned my body a bit and kept biting me. After tieing him up (he keeps suggesting I do so and asked me to do so last night), pouring hot wax down his body, whiping him and so forth I set him free from the chair (wheelchair...) and things fell apart. We became intimate which set the hurt button off and I cried. I wanted to have him back from this other woman (though I have had him more intimately then she has, I miss kissing him and I miss sharing a bed with him) and I allowed my feelings to get in the way again. He thought he was hurting me...in an emotional sense, yes, but physical pain is something I can deal with or even ignore.
He kept looking me in the eyes (where I saw the man who still loved me but to afraid to say so) and kissed me. The kiss brought some shock because that was his last basis for not cheating ("I didn't start it...That's why I didn't kiss you.") or having feelings for me. He told me he was sick of the fighting after I told him that I hated how much I loved him. He continued kissing me, holding me and looking at me with compassion. I didn't want to ask any questions because I had missed the way he made me feel and any interigations would have made things worse.
I knew I didn't have him back and hugged him goodbye. I cried myself to sleep because I was so lost and sick of my feelings. I didn't expect him to write me a long email explaining that now isn't the right time for us to be together, but there might be a time in the future ("I sometimes do have it in my mind that we may at one time get back together"), and that he is sorry about last night. I still don't want to believe in the aspect of us getting back together because then my hopes might be smashed into pieces. As much as I love him and want him back, I want to realise that I might have to let him go (ouch). It will save me a lot of pain when I do get my life on track.
Love is such a painful thing to get tangled up in. I still think he is my soulmate, we were meant to meet up eventually (his brother lives next to family friends of mine and I do remember them talking about the boy next door which was him visiting his brother. We had mutual friends in school and we never had anyone as close as we got to each other. Social misfits who were the other pieces to the puzzle for each other) and maybe we will at least remain as close friends. We still have to put a bandaid over our friendship, but I will appreciate to still have him in some sense (the only person who never gave up on me and doesn't want to lose me).

"I'm becoming what I used to be afraid of. When the whole world wants to destroy you, every day is your last day and every performance is your final one. The antichrist isn't just me, or just one person. It's all of us, a collective state of mind that America needs to have awakened in them. I want to awake it in them. That's the purpose of this tour, maybe even my life, to make Americans realize they don't have to believe in something just because they have been told it all their lives. You can't have someone who has never had sex or drugs telling you it's wrong. Only through experience can you determine your own morality. Humanity isn't about constantly having to seek forgiveness for being human; humanity is leading a guiltless existance as an individual. That is armageddon, because, to Christianity, if you forsake the idea of God and believe in yourself, the world is over." -Marilyn Manson (Long Hard Road Out of Hell)

2006-02-08T02:19:00.000-03:00

Dear 'god' what a bad day! I woke up with a horrible head ache so I decided to sleep it off for awhile. I expected to get to work around 8:30, but I had to wait for my second bus to get downtown in the cold (thus arriving around 8:45).
My body was not my friend. It is almost as though it wants to feel like shit because any good I try bringing to it only makes everything worse. The day went by SO slowly (even if I was late and left early, it took forever!) so when the time I decided to leave at finally rolled around I fled the scene.
On my way home, while waiting for the bus that goes towards my house I decided to finish my last cigarette. Big mistake. A few blocks from where I got on the bus I got off and tried to make haist (which was a wobbly slow walk-like I was tipsy and mixing drugs) to the gas station washroom where I stripped down to my first sweater and ran some water on my hands.
I sat on the floor trying to not look at anything with detail or words. I was hoping for my body to give in to the nausea and just throw up, but nothing came out. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked like I could be overdosing on something (flushed of whatever color I had with big red or brown lines under my eyelids, and eyes open in such a sickly maner). Sadly, this matched how Marilyn Manson was feeling in some sense in the part of the book (The Long Hard Road Out Of Hell) I ended at before bailing the bus. He was sitting in the hospital worried about the only person he could still bring himself to love (she was deadly ill. I relate because of my male disapearing out of my life which is tearing me appart). Also, he was realizing his life's downfall and was trapped within misery. I looked around the scummy bathroom and realized I felt how this bathroom looked and wanted to die or reside in a hospital for awhile.
After spending some time trying to regain some strength to leave and catch the next bus, I through on a coat and barely holding myself up, I walked to the next stop (as my bus rushed passed me).
Some rude humans decided to yell something at me, people stared, a man motioned with his hand which I think was a *drinky drinky* type motion. A cold breeze decided to continually rush at my back (which was exposed in the slouched position I was in). On the bus the feeling returned but I focused on something else so I could at least make it home. Eyes stared at me where ever I went (I hate it when people feel the urdge to stare at me as though they are stealing my soul with their persistant eyes. I don't mind looks of concern, like someone is hoping to help me if I start to fall, but, sorry for the stereo-type, old orental people are the worst for this and they don't give two shits on who you are, they just want to look at you until you or they are gone!).
Home was so nice. I climbed into the shower, ate then passed out for a few hours. I really don't want to leave the house anymore. Too much bad results from it. Next Monday should be nice though. It will be a busy day because I have my last photography class and some guy invited me to some "rock-a-billy" evening at a lounge. Sounds interesting and would be a good change of pace for me.
I was going to write an exerpt from Marilyn's Dream perspective, but this exerpt sounds more suitable for my situation:
I began to sing. "There's not much left to love." I reflexively took a sniff of the cocaine in front of my face. "Too tired today to hate." The drug didn't even effect me anymore. "I feel the empty." Something wet splashed in the middle of the pile of white powder. "I feel the minute of decay." It was a tear. "I'm on my way down now." I was crying. "I'd like to take you with me." I couldn't remember the last time I had cried--even felt--like this. "I'm on my way down." I completely broke down.
...She was the only person left for whom I was capable of feeling any love, and to lose her would be to destroy my only chance of returning to the nomal human world of feelings, sentiments and passion--to destroy in essence, myself.

In Steps My Hidden Angel...

2006-02-07T02:43:00.000-03:00

Today was a big day for me. I spent my work day (which started at 7:15) filing and running around and wanting to cave into painful feelings. I chased down a woman willing to give me a drag (I didn't really need one, but I wanted something to make me dumb and tingly for a little while (I went looking for an actual cigarette and people saw me more as a homeless or angsty youth looking for free anythings, then as a business women just wanting to drown). Things have been pretty bad lately. I haven't been able to feel good about myself for quite some time (I have been doing good here and there, but otherwise I have been slowly breaking down any good I built up).
After work I headed to the cities occult and witch supply store. I met the most wonderful human there. She saw I had a problem and broke through to me. I burst into tears and she lifted me back up. She was the first supportive person I have actually come across. She told me what I need to do to start healing and gave me a healing rock to hold to my Solar Plexis and it will ail some of my problems (generally my ulcer and any eating issues and will help me cope with any hateful emotions towards myself). She was my shoulder to cry on and placed no judgements on me (she has had to deal with a handful of problems before). I only came to her store for something to bring luck to my life or some strength and I felt so much better when I left.
I feel everything was meant to happen at certain times. I have met so many strange insightful people thoughout my life, but with actual contact information between us, I'm hoping to know her for a long time because she is truely wonderful woman. Thanks to her, I have more strength to get better (which was needed). I feel better now then I did through any other point in the day and she broke a block in me that allowed me to cry and realize my situation. I am going to give her something to show my appreciation for what she has done for me (and what she has continued to want to help with).
I have known since the big disaster that I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment, I just don't want to lose him. I want to rebuild my life and my relationship with him and I know life will get better for me. Everything takes time.

Make up your fucking mind!!

2006-02-04T17:22:00.000-03:00

I am drained. I was so happy yesterday and the night before. Dancing around, singing and not feeling bad at all. He came over and we went to my uncle's party...eventually. Both of us drank, but since I can't take anything down (not even food), I had a stomach ache. Alcohol and coca-cola are drinks I can't indulge in (on a one drink a month basis). Ulcer?
Well we came back to my place after an hour (I think that's how long we were there) and sat infront of the tv. Eventually I got to massaging him as I had promised but since my spirit was blown I didn't feel like lighting the candles to set a more relaxing mood. Added some lotion and gave him a nice long massage (45 mins?...and he wanted me to massage his front which got him moving and breathing in a way I have to avoid).
Of course I can't do anything nice for him without Mr. Penis wanting to voice his opinion. I decided to act oblivious and stare at the television (no temptation that way) but he kept staring at me. Eventually I turned off the tv and turned over to go to sleep. I thought there was something wrong with him and finally decided to hug him. Hugs can make someone feel better. It made me feel better until he said he didn't mind me touching him. I hugged him...he hands travelled...eventually he pulled me on him. He is sexually attracted to me which saddens me. Sex has lead to nothing good. It used to be something so wonderful which made me feel like I had someone I could share my emotions and body with. Now I don't know how to feel towards it.
I am always a foolish girl and ofcourse I caved because the things he was doing to me felt so good. No sex, just gave him no choice but to come and end things there. I want something from him doesn't want to give me anymore. I would love to have someone to curl up next to, to kiss and hold. I can go without sex if there is nothing else to it. If he was in love with me, Hell, I would feel a lot better right now. How can he still go on with himself after fooling around with his ex? Does he have to balls to tell her (Ha! And lose Miss Happy-Go-Lucky?)? I can see him dragging her down no matter how happy she is.
So I'm sick of my obsession over someone who wants my body but can't stand to hear out my mind. It's like I'm addicted to having someone I love treat me like shit. Why do I still have hope for something he wants to erase? Stupid girl.

Drown The Happy Clown!

2006-02-02T22:38:00.000-03:00

Upon my voyage of attempting to get better I have realized something. I can't live with my sister. She is an all around energy blow. She will insult you or find a way to make you feel degraded with sarcasm and her own "pain." She isn't really troubled in anyway. Average teenage emotional issues and the never ending want to fit in. She is having friend problems...at least she has friends ( and more then you can fit on all 4 fingers on one hand. I don't know if I can fill even a hand). I have had to repair my friendships with my 2 friends from high school...then there is him. All in all, I sat alone majority of my school years because I don't attract people to well. I never really could relate to any one I could call a friend (except my ex male...we have our own compatable brain waves it seems). All she really has are emotional issues and issues with her appearance, and believe me, she doesn't care to get better. I have told her the many stories of parts of my life which has shocked her (and if it can shock someone who believes so much is wrong with them, then who really has the bigger metaphorical penis here?). Her life is really tame and easy. I know everything that is wrong with her and she will never bring it to herself to admit to any of it. I will admit that I have allowed myself to become troubled for various reasons. I liked scaring people in some sense, but that is when I need to talk (I will only tell friends my probblems) which lead to watching the horror on their faces and having them clueless on how to help me. I have allowed things to build up or get in the way of my life. She likes to complain it seems. That is all she does. She can't find anything good in herself because she never looks. I have made lists of the good in me and those I love so I know what to appreciate about my life. It has actually helped me out and has brought a smile to my face. Really, I have created my own form of therapy that has been working for me. When I need to cry, I will let it all out. I look for things to make me feel better and it has been working. I have only locked myself in a bathroom stall at work 1 day this week. I have still been sad deep in my heart trying to accept all these changes in my life (losing him being the biggest), but I have allowed good things in. Nothing has to be this big sunshiny day (I love the rain so a dark gloomy cloud is a bad comparison to explain the bad in my life. I would love to have it rain out or to get to walk in a misty day instead of being locked in a building until the sun comes out, also I burn so easily...).
Getting onto the reason why I can't live with my sister is because she will never admit to having a problem outside of "depression" (CRAZY TEENAGE HORMONES!!) and will never put the effort into getting better. Even if I talked to her (she doesn't listen. It's a good life speach to a brick wall who throws insults and negitivity back at you), she wouldn't take anything into consideration...and then she would bitch about her life and I will feel horrible for trying to help her and have her not bothering to listen. He had problems with trying to reach out and help me. I did try listening to him once when it was close to a year in our what-you-may-call-it relationship, but when caved to weakness he made things worse. He called me a quiter and said I would never get better because I buckled under pain. I really did want to give this "coping" methood up for him because I loved him so much and he kissed me and said he wished I would stop it. He has caved many times before and I never really made him feel bad by telling him he was a quitter until I put in so much hope for a year and a half for him with no progress. He didn't fully give up on me and asked for so much of me. I wanted to stop all my problems for him and it seems that not until you lose a person is when you decide to fix things. I wish that I did fix things sooner so I could still have him by my side and it might have been easier to have gone though the problem detox situation.
Tomorow I get to see him which excites me! I really look forward to seeing him because I don't see him everyday anymore it is a really big thing for me to see him the few times a week he drops by (also, I still haven't found a way to get over him so I become a little girl getting to see her big "crush"). I love him a lot and really miss him. He is also staying the night! YAY! I am making him supper and then we get to pull a quicky visit at my uncle's surprise birthday party (My ex male is sweet in the sense that he is going to suffer along with me. He absoluely hates my uncle, but he is still going). I think we are going to work on my photography project at some point. I want to do a lot more with him (not just acting out on my pent up sexual feelings towards him. I love him for more then that!), but I really don't know what he will be in the mood for. This has actually been the highlight of my week...I don't actually do much with my time anymore so, I have to look forward to something.
My cat knocks on my door when he wants in. *Tap, tap* He actully waits before pawing at the door again. It's really creepy how smart he is...

2006-01-31T14:31:00.000-03:00

I have thought of some changes I need to do for myself. Some of which will be REALLY easy, and others very difficult (but nothing can be as difficult as trying to cope with losing someone without physically damaging "coping" methoods). All of which are actually necessary changes.
1. I am not going to do any drug anymore unless I need it (perscribed, something for period cramps, but I can't use those anyway). I have no one to do them with and everytime I do get to be messed up I generally end up staring at myself in the mirror and saying I have gone all wrong (and make myself believe that I have been in a coma since the end of grade 9. I have no eyebrows, dark make-up, deadly ill looking body and complextion). I really can't believe who I am and drugs make it worse because I hate the bad that has become of me. I have actually cried over it before. No drugs.
2. Since he had a problem with my eating habits, I have been trying to eat. Really I end up walking around the kitchen wondering if I am actually hungry and what I would be up to eating. I did this last night because I needed something, most likely hydration and I just looked at everything and I couldn't eat. I don't feel hungry. How can you prove to someone you want to get better when you have fucked yourself up to the point where eating is something that just happens in small doses. I reviewed what I did eat and it was rather frightening. Until I remembered animal crackers, I had 4 small snacks or meals. I am starting to see I don't even have any fat where I believed there was some. When he was curled up to me I thought I was positioned where my stomach sank in and he was touching my hip bone because of it. I thought I would have at least gained some weight over the past while, but I look as though I'm losing more. The tummy I once noticed has disapeared, or at least shrunk. How is he going to believe me? Fuck...
3. Build up. I have too many things I want and need to get done and I need to finish priorities. I'm not doing to bad at that. I'm getting work done which does help my mind get off some of the crazy emotions and stress. I also need a better outlet for pain and stress. Walking helps, reading, listening to music/news radio, naps. Being with my cat helps as well because he has always found away to make me smile.
4. Maturity. I noticed that I do handle situations poorly and I'm trying to take responcibility for my actions. If I want to get my life into order I need to grow up and take action insead of seeing things as complicated. I haven't caved into too much lately. I need to finish high school, get my photographers certificate, and other little things I know I want/need, as well as save up my money to buy something I know I want. I want a house because it has more stability to it. I would want someone to live with though. I can wait though. I have a lock on my door so at least I can give myself some privacy.
5. Depleat depression. It's alright to have bad feelings every so often, but not everyday. No one can be happy everyday. I know that there are going to be really bad things ahead (my grandfather's body finally giving up being the biggest pain to come. He is a skeleton and he isn't getting any better. I'm trying to get over it now so it doesn't hurt as much when I actually have to face it), but I don't want to let that destroy me. I have been putting myself into better moods and trying to keep him in my life as my friend so I have someone to talk to or hug me when I need a little extra support. I'm not going to dump all my problems on him anymore. I'll cry when I need to, but I need to learn to be independant again and not to burden anyone.
I thought there was more. Oh well. If I think of anything I need to improve on I might post it else where. Really I just like having things written down so I remember them or check back to see if I did anything with myself. I'll just write another list. Maybe get one that I will see everyday somewhere in my room so I know what to work on. Hmm...this brain was made for something I guess. I like my changes and actually can look at myself and see something less repelling in my mind. My face isn't as bad as I thought it was. It's clearing of the teenage curse dots.
I'm not doing too bad for once. I get to see him on Friday, and he gets to save me from my family. I hope I can keep him entertained for however long I get to see him. NO CRYING! Emotional trash! Jeeze!

2006-01-30T16:48:00.000-03:00

Why is it so difficult to get over someone? It could be because of taunghtings and feelings, memories, and finding someone who can bring out true happiness and watch them walk out the door. He is the only person who has made me feel whole, like I exist and he loved me. He still does, but his heart is leaving me for her. I am changing the bad depressed me and he can't even give me another chance. I have been able to smile, laugh and behave more humane. I am looking to mature as well. I have been cleaning out my room of practically everything. Garbage bags full of belongings I have barely looked at over the past year. I know any life changes I make aren't going to trigger any emotions or feelings and have him back in my arms.
I have too much hope, but what am I supposed to do when I am slowly losing my first love. I know a lot of people don't get to keep their first love, but all the things we said and planned, the feelings and how close we are still makes me think otherwise. I always see two sides to his eyes. Yesterday I saw a man who had some feelings left that he wanted to forget because he fears the pain. I see so much and he discredits it all. How can you spend so much of your life (we are each others longest intimate relationship) with someone and let it all go.
He didn't even see anything wrong with some of our FRIENDSHIP behaviours (we have always been really intimate with each other. Even when he was dating another girl, we were still intimate, and after that ended we started on our way with a very close relationship. Or atleast that is what I got out of it). He saw no problem with us having sleepovers, and yesterday afternoon is a good reason why we shouldn't. If he wants to remain commited and not follow through with intimacy with me, we have to tame our relationship (which I fucking hate! Having him touch me were the best parts of the week, but it won't bring him back). I don't care if he cheats on her because I have no emotional connection to her and I am dying to get him back, but I could at least be a good friend.
I don't really want to bother with anyone else. I have always had relationship problems and being bi-sexual, I wouldn't know what person I would want to get close to again. People have difficulty understanding me in general and I am not a people person. I really liked how he saw something he liked in me and wanted to be with me. I still wish he felt that way.
I really need to cope with my pain so I won't hide in the washroom as much. It seems to be a safety place. When my life gets better, I'm sure my blogs will not consist purely of my emotional pain. Wait a few months and if he is devoted to her, I might go into therapy for loss of a loved one and start talking about my imaginary life.
So I'm thinking I should live in my head again until I learn to hate him (big fight with him in my mind...or I could just kill her off and live in my fantasy world forever) and not longer want him as my own.

Lovesick and Sex.

2006-01-30T01:32:00.000-03:00

Really, there is only one thing I really really want and I guarantee no one can give it to me but him. Funny. I don't want sex, I just want him back. I have been thinking about my future though. He brought up children while over today. I told him I didn't want any, but I realy don't know. A child would probably bring me down to earth and bring me actual joy, but I'm far from ready. If he doesn't come back into my life, I might consider giving myself to another and bear their CHILD. I think one is good enough. He wanted a little girl, and as I look through all my old toys I think of the possiblity that the next time I fall in love I might have that persons little girl. I'm never going to give up on the chance of children, but I have a lot of changing to do and I would have to find someone who actually wants to keep me (and not wants me, wants me, left me. I would gladly have my ex's child, but he says he doesn't want me anymore so that's a bust). He always believes I don't want a child. Right now I am too young, too troubled and too alone. I go through phases where I really want a little child to call my own and where I can't think of it. He has told me that I would make a good mother. Too bad he doesn't want to be my match as the father.

Last night I was filled with utmost horror. I invisioned my once man in the arms of his new lady love kissing her and asking her to be his. I asked him this morning about any developments to complete his attraction to her and he is gone. It is a nightmare and I want to die. I am lovesick and I hate it. I was expecting today to be a fullout nightmare but it wasn't. He came over and we went for a walk along the train tracks. After crying about our relationship, I actually attempted to lighten up. We laughed and talked about random things. It was awkward not holding his hand. We came back to my place where the bad kicked in. We went to my room and he became gloomy which made me see that he really wasn't thrilled to be with me, and he was waiting for his new parasite to call him. After he talked to her on the phone and finding out he couldn't visit her, he stayed for awhile. I was hoping for some rest because he wasn't talking much so I curled up to find him curl up to me. He wrapped himself tight around me as if he didn't want to lose me or let me go. I was very happy to feel his touch and have him so close to me. Apparently I gave him a boner (when do I not do this to him? I cannot name a time) and I told him he could pleasure himself. I over-stepped my bounds and he didn't push me away. He allowed it. I did feel bad because as much as I hate him for leaving me, he does have a 1 day commitment to another. He offered himself to me. I was torn because I wanted him but I couldn't let him cheat. He probably will never admit his deed to her and I had one last chance to have him as mine. His dick apparently was doing all the talking, but the look on his face and his compassion was saying otherwise. Oh well. I might get lucky and have him fall in love with me again...foolish girl and her silly dreams.

Bambi 2? The Horror...The Horror...

2006-01-28T00:52:00.000-03:00

Disney movies used to be scary with moralistic messages meant to keep children living in fantasies where girls will find their prince charming and boys...I really never knew what they offered to boys. The really old ones always had beautiful, skinny women (who at some point were princesses) who fell into trouble and had a man save them. Very old fashioned ideals. The real world is so much different. Princess Dianna is a really good example of reality and not of some fantacy world.
So I'm attempting to heal my mental wounds. Life is going to be difficult and if I want to be happy, I need to change this Hell I live. I am so sick of being depressed, stressed, feeling lonely and lost. I will not allow myself to remain miserable. Today I felt horrible, resentful and very alone. I cleared my head with a walk and I did take a nap and now I feel less pain ridden. No one can say I'm not trying to get better. It is so difficult, but I'm putting my all into getting better.
Because I am talking about dancing with someone, I really wouldn't mind doing so. I have never actually slow danced with anyone, but I never really danced with boys unless it was in dance classes. Hell if anyone would take me out dancing, but I only know the polka, swing, some ballet (from watching ballets on television,so I can land without making a boom as well) and some lapdancing. I'm actually hoping to get myself some lapdance lessions soon. I think I would enjoy it. I used to do what I knew on my once companion and he seemed to really enjoy it. Sigh...

Just a Matter of Heart Burn.

2006-01-27T01:29:00.000-03:00

So I am frustrated. I want to rip my hair out of my head because I am so sick of feeling horrible. Outside of my blood due any minute, he has made my pain harder to deal with. I know him so well because I knew his answer. I asked if he had an attraction towards this new woman in his life and the reply was obviously yes. They were friends at a time before and they fell apart from each other and now they are getting really close and I get to be left out. He also lied to me which I slightly assumed. She apparently had a boyfriend, but he no longer exists...as of a month ago. I'm sure she is probably attracted to him as well and thus I am crushed. I know he will hurt her as well. I'm not trying to doom them out of spite, but when I needed a shoulder to cry on, he couldn't be there for me. Whenever I would cry over my grandparents being in the hospital he would say I shouldn't cry over it, they are old and I will have to deal with them dying sooner or later (something generally along those terms). I can understand he was never close with his grandparents, but I am close with mine and I have a lot of emotions (being a female, but I have the tendancy to be depressed...more then I want to be). Apparently she is the complete opposite of me...so she is celebate, fat, stupid, overly happy, and tall (though he says she is shorter then me and healthy as opposed to being fat. He didn't say she wasn't stupid though, but I didn't mention that. I'll just make her stupid to boost my fading ego. Childish? Why yes, but only out of being bitter he's making his way for a rebound already). I asked him why he hasn't asked her yet, and he seems indecisive like he always is.
Tonight I was hoping to be happy and like I have someone by my side. He came by, I made him dinner and we talked. When we got into my bedroom, he seemed like he lacked interest in me. However, what was really on his mind was how he was going t seduce me. I told him it is meaningless to him and he doens't want a relationship with my anymore so why bother. He persisted so I cried. He thinks I'm "hot" but he can't find it in himself to show me the love and respect I want from him as his "friend". So we argued about our feelings, his attraction to her, and debated sex. I crave his body, and everything about him (I make him sound horrible on my blog, but he has been a great person for reasons I do not wish to discuss. We become equal bad guys and heros) so it was SO hard to say no even though I was in pain. We didn't actually get anywhere. A lot of touching and the like, but I got him too far and it didn't go anywhere. We hugged for the fifth time and he left.

The Pains Of Being Lonely Are Festering.

2006-01-25T12:56:00.000-03:00

I do not know why I allow people to treat me like shit or like I don't exist. He doesn't want to see me as much anymore (not like we have seen each other much to begin with) and I'm on the verdge of just kicking him out of my life because this is hurting. I need someone to talk to and he never seems to have the time. I need to find someone who actually cares about me because even though he says he does, he never knows how to show it. He said he could see us back together (dangle some hope in my face) and now he says he doesn't want to even think of it (he doesn't want to bother with a relationship with me). Ouch. He acts like we will be miserable people for the rest of our lives. Currently I'm on emotional hyperdrive so everything is all over the place. He can't say I'll be miserable forever, because I have been finding ways to actually smile and enjoy my life and he won't even notice because he is off being happy with his new taken woman. I don't think he can make himself happy by himself and sees me as the source of all his misery (which I hope is not true because I have done so much to support him and show that I love him like the idiot I am. I was bummed out about having to move back home, but I was over joyed with his want to do something with his life and actually taking action. I supported and dressed him when he got a new job as a deceptive asshole-which was the character he had to play as a clone in this stupid company. I gave him money for his addiction because I cared enough for him to hate myself for supporting something I dispise). I allowed him to walk all over me and for him to say I was greedy. Everyone sees me as selfish. I made my lazy ass sister dinner just to have her tell me I'm selfish. I feel like nothing right now because no one can find the time to show their appreciation for my existance.
Last night I was rather happy because I got to see someone I see even less then I see the man of pain. She was a close friend, but things became too complicated so we only visit when our lives allow the time. Sadly enough, when I was lying alone in my bed, I started to cry. Bedtime is the worst for me because I am sleeping alone and my mind always thinks of him. I imagine he sleeps fine because if he's tired, he can go out like a light. No thoughts of the woman once in his life. Thoughts like that only occures when the subject of our relationship falls into our hotmail conversations (the only time I can communicate with him I feel he will give me the time of day for). I'm getting sick of talking about the bitter end to it all because I end up in the fetal position crying in the bathroom (I don't like people asking what is wrong when I want to be alone, especially in public. If it's not your problem, butt out!). It pains him as well, but that is only from his words and never what I see from him. Unless he was upset over our relationship on Friday which I highly doubt (I only felt miserable because I couldn't do anything to put him into a better mood no matter how hard I tried. We were together for quite sometime until I caved. I knew it would make things worse, and it did. But it seemed he really didn't want to be with me that night which brought me down. When he is pissy, the best thing I can do is not ask questions of why and try and talk about something neutral in hopes he might have something to say. He can't say I didn't learn anything to try and improve our relationship). I wanted to change things, I wanted us to be in a better disposition around each other because I really wanted things to work. He's the one who ALWAYS lets go of me when he doesn't know how to solve anything. I would fix things, but why bother. I need to let go and forget everything he ever meant to me so I can find this so called possitive person he suggests for both of us. Positive people don't necessaraly fix everything. I hate people who can only see things as happy and don't understand how it feels to struggle. My mother and once psychologist are happy go lucky people and you just don't feel right turning to them with all your dark nightmarish secrets and pains. They would feel shitty afterwards because they wouldn't know what to do (therapy, medication, meditation?).
I know how to fix my problems, and right now I don't really want a relationship at the moment (I told him I wouldn't take him back if he decided he still wanted me). It will take quite some time to get better, but I know that I will fix my life eventually...but the matter of him is up in the air.

2006-01-23T18:57:00.000-03:00

RINGFINGER
Well you've got me working so hard lately,
Working my hands until they bleed.
If I was twice the man i could be,
I'd still be half of what you need.
Still you lead me and I follow,
Anything you ask you know I'll do.
This one act of consecration,
Is what I ask of you.

Ringfinger,
Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Ringfinger,
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.

You just leave me nailed here,
Hanging like jesus on this cross.
I'll be dying for your sins,
And aiding to the cause.

Ringfinger,
Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Ringfinger,
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.

Wrap my eyes in bandages,
Confessions I see through.
I get everything I want,
When I get part of you.

Ringfinger,
Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Ringfinger,
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.
Ringfinger,
Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Ringfinger,
Devil's flesh and bone,
Do something for me.
~Nine Inch Nails

I am in a lot of pain right now...as per usual. I want to make everything better and I have been trying, but my efforts are pointless. He says he is in pain, and I would love it if he found it in him to turn to me if he needed someone. Too late now because his plan is to not see me very often for the next while. Ouch. Now I have no one to turn to and I am further alone. He apparently made efforts to be my friend...ok, when we went to a movie on Friday, he acted like he didn't want to be around me. Since we have moved out he has showed some indications of this and it is really hurting me. I want things to return to the way they were...but that is just a memory. I am so good at fucking things up it's not even funny.

Something To Look Forward To.

2006-01-19T18:25:00.000-03:00

I have decided to give up on humans. I do so much for people just to have them walk all over me. I'm falling back into the old loner me and I'm actually happy for it. I keep talking to him of course, but he is being distant and apathetic. We are going out on Friday which should be nice because then it shows I still have one friend. I have tried to keep others in my life but my efforts go unnoticed or cared for. My existance is unappeciated and I always thought people who put use to their brains had the decency to talk to people they consider friends. I really believe it is my fault that no one has the time for me. Oh well. If I remain alone, the less money I'll spend and eventually I will have the opportunity to buy a house... maybe. However, I will not have any obligations to anyone as I do now. I don't have to loan any of my money to people with spending problems or buy things while in there company. I'm getting my tattoo soon, but I cannot think of anything else to spend money on. Rock climbing if my ex-male still wants to bother doing that with me. All he really seems to want from me is sex, but I could be saying this out of being somewhat bitter and feeling abandoned. Maybe it was all for the best because I have a lot of mental and physical issues to tend to and I'm not looking forward to children as he is.
To be a loner in a torn up society will make me more self-sufficent and I will do as I please locked up in my house to be. It think I would learn to enjoy life a lot more that way. I won't have to rely on man to hear my pleas for sanctuary and sanity. I can have black, red and striped walls and have antiques everywhere. I'll do as I bloody well please and when they have to cart my corpse out of my house the paramedics will be the first to see my mind expressed along the walls of my twisted house. My cat/s will be eating my corpse until my neighbours complain of the smell. And maybe before I die, I could have been happy...even if I become nutty.
My photo project needs to gets started pretty soon, and I need my subjects to actually have the time for me. Since I am doing a paranormal and occult theme, I need to be very precise and I need my subjects cooperation to expose my vision the way it should be seen. I am hoping to get my sister to be a ghost so I don't have to be in every picture. If no one helps me I will have to resort to being the only subject as well as the photographer. I have the cord that attaches to this really good camera I'm using and I only want to use it when I demonstrate old hag syndrome. So I'm the make-up artist, model, photographer and designer (also dealing with lights and atmosphere) because it's my project and my ideas. Too bad no one I know is reliable. In other words, this shall be Hell to try and accomplish.
My room is almost together. I have some posters up, more clothes are hanging up or in their drawers and I don't have too many boxes taking up all the room. My mother is talking about how much she thinks I will make the room look really "cool" because I'm so creative. The last person in this room had a few car posters up and everything they owned all over the floor. I want two shelves, maybe some paint (though I do not have the patience to actually paint the room, it would be nice to have the walls a darker color then not quite neon green) and something to do with all the crap I'm hoping on getting rid of. One of the shelves must be small and not placed to high on the wall so I can put my broken mirror on it. The other shelf will have brakable things and the like. So many plans for a room I do not want to live in forever (my family is driving me and my cat crazy). But I might as well stay there until I have enough money to live off of...unless I really want a house. Then I need to work at my dad's company for the next few years and save all the profit shares. Then fuck you all!

Frustration and Chaos is My Life

2006-01-16T16:41:00.000-03:00

Completely and totally done with the last place I was living in. No more sounds of women being fucked from two floors above me, or having a 30-something year old man hit on me all the time (nope, just a 50-something year old man doing so at work). No more showers in a furnace room, and now I have the time alone to get over him. I miss him so much and I am miserable when I try sleeping. I got to see him on Saturday...moving my stuff into my parents and then after 8:30 that night. He said he would sleep over, but of course he came over to bitch about it. He didn't want to and there was nothing I could do to make him happy to stay with me so I let him go.
I can tell there is something going on. Of course he isn't going to say anything so eventually I'll get frustrated to the point I have to pry it out of him. He was going to go hang around with one of his friends ex-girlfriends (who is now one of his friends) yesterday and of course she didn't show up so later that night when I called him to ask where he packed certain items he took some of his frustration (he also was frustrated with not being able to hear me) out on me. Of course he didn't tell me about this girl...I had to find it out through other means. I want to get over him and stop with my feelings and the more he inflicts on me, the easier it should be.
How long can I expect anyone to be in my life? People walk in and out of my life that I really don't know how to keep anyone. I'm the only one who bothers to keep in touch so I'm guessing that they just don't want to be around me. Reasons why it is easy to believe that I am an unbearable person. I don't even know how much longer I get to keep him. He is definately looking for other women, and I'm still trying to get over him. It is very unequal and it goes to show how quickly he can rebound. I feel so hurt, but what can I do? He is now further away from me and I don't think he wants to be around me as much. Oh well.
I really wanted to speak of something exciting that happened to me, but looking at it now, it's not even something that would bring a smile to my face. I want out of this miserable funk, but I keep making things worse for myself when I try to be in a better mood. Things will change eventually. I just need to give everything time (which I don't even have).

The Need For Coffee.

2006-01-14T00:04:00.000-03:00

Moving day tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it at all. My room is obscenely cramped already. The walls bring me sorrow. I can't paint it any color I want but if I'm going to be living there for awhile I want it to look at least close to what I want. Apparently red room make people want to kill there families...or that is the reason my parents gave my sister to why she couldn't paint hers red. My male counterpart has a loving mother who is painting his room black...I am envious (black being my favorite color). Oh well...I might end up living there on weekends again.
That was really nice. We were like a married couple...our situation right now is that of a couple going through divorce. Our emotions aren't that way...just the fact that we will be living away from each other. I'm going to miss him so much. Sadly enough, he gets me to sleep at night. Thankfully I have him tomorrow night.
I need to get rid of my attachment to him or I might never have another relationship again. I am obsessed with this whole ordeal because it is a large portion of my life. He is my only friend, the only person I can turn to and my first love. I'm apathetic towards going out with my sister even though I am pretty close with her. I don't care for getting to know old friends and it is all my fault.
My life is scattered as per usual, but I am picking up some of the pieces to fix my life. Home rids me of my financial instability and allows me and my male companion to go out and do something more often. Eventually I will find a better job and move to a better place and my life will hopefully have changed for the better.

Anything With a Penis is Confusing.

2006-01-13T14:34:00.000-03:00

Bad title for something I'm writing up at work. Oh well.
The man who broke my heart is strange. I never know what he wants. I'm going to pretend we are still just really close friends so I don't allow my heart to get crushed again. We are both moving home this weekend so he can save up for collage and I can save up for something I want (a house? an appartment? Europe?). Yeah, he informed me of this decision yesterday so I have been packing like crazy. We were both in decent moods, I was having a small freak out because I have a lot of things to put into a tiny little room and I have so little time to do so. It feels like we are having a very fucked up divorce. We divided our belongings, our children (our cats...but being the female, I might end up with both eventually) and we are going our separate ways. Then last night we sined against our parting demands. Again, he doesn't want to be sexual with me anymore and I resisted for quite sometime (I generally just cave because I love sex, but I was a total nun! For the most part) I lasted about 10-15 minutes and caved. That is actually pretty good for me. Generally he asks, suggests and so forth and I'll say 'no'...then a minute later, 'why not?' It is freakishly hard to say no to someone who is my biggest turn on. I was really trying to be a good little girl who wasn't going to allow either of us cave into something he made into a no-no. Sadly, I don't feel any guilt or sadness because I needed it and I care about him a lot ("I won't spead my legs for no roses" but if I love you I just might be that easy).
Sex makes things complicated, but we never let it destroy our friendship. Our sex lives yes, but we have remained really close for a long time and sex hasn't taken that away. I just hope we can learn to deal with our problems to make things less complicated if we jump into a sexual relationship again in the future. I'm not expecting things to go that way, but I would really love it if it did. Apparently if we got into a relationship with other people, we would still have sleep overs and be pretty intimate together. And we would lose the other people because of it. I find that kind of humorous. He was the one who said it. I'll keep in mind "whatever happens, happens."

I'm hoping to baricate myself in my room to be when I move into my parents place. I don't want to deal with my family and I need a sanctuary. I'll have a laptop so I really don't need to leave (washroom, food and to get out of the house...what else would I need to do?).
Remember to breathe and to not blow things out of proportion and you won't explode.

Alive, Not Well and Miserable.

2006-01-12T13:06:00.000-03:00

So, surprisingly enough, I am still alive. Not that I want to be, but I am. The most horrible things come at the worst of times. I really want him back, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Girls really like him and this is where I get to lose him. I'm sure he will do any of his disgusting habits around whatever girl he ends up with and she will either be repulsed and not bother with him or she won't care and he found himself a replacement for me. I want to be happy. I want to get out of this Hell hole. When have I even had the luck to have something go right in my life? Wow...a photography course. I'm doing something with my life.
Why do I bother getting out of bed? Right, I want out of here and money comes into importance when I plan on achieving such a thing. I have no attachments here. He's out of my life, I don't really have any other friends, and my family is something I don't even want to see again (I have a lot of mental problems that developed because of my "loving" family. For example: you try being 108 lbs and have your mother and aunt call you fat. Or try being incapable of doing math because you just can't understand it and have everyone in your family treat you like an idiot because of it. I can think of a lot more examples, but I'll end it here). All I really wanted before Hell broke lose, was to live a decant life with the man who stole my heart. Live in a house we made our own. Work on creating music, have projects that we can finally work on (seeing as we would create a space for them-a place for my sowing machine, his tools, my biology experiments, etc.), and create a life more appealing then before. But that will never happen. I will not give my heart away...at least for a long time.
I was actually a lot happier when I was a loner. I locked myself in my room, read books, wrote what was on my mind and listened to music. I started meeting people and losing people, and then a boy started semi-stalking me. He was in his own little lala land. He tried impressing me, and tried to get me to actually talk to him.
He saved me from myself and became the most important thing to me. Of course I had to lose him. I lose everything that means a lot to me. Our relationship was getting better. We could go a day without having something small and stupid to argue a few minutes about. We finally learned how to talk to each other when things were going bad or when a problem needed some talking out. I love having things fix themself and them having everything blow up in my face.
There is so much I would rather be doing right now then sitting at work doing nothing. I am thinking of quiting my job here to getone where I will get paid more to do what I am doing right now. I don't want to stay too long there because that job alone is far from me being true to myself.

Draining Fluid...

2006-01-10T13:37:00.000-03:00

Love is my enemy. I am so miserable and it is so hard to cope with what has been happening in my life. Especially now that I'm only a friend and sexual trash to the person who meant the most to me in my whole life. How am I expected to get over someone who I am so close to? We are both going through very emotionally stressful times, but I hate the aspect of not having him as mine anymore and that I feel more for him then he does for me. I would go ahead and say it's another one of his phases, but I can't just jump to this conclusion in hopes that our life will go back to the way it was. We can still do simple intimate things like hold hands and hug, by why initiate something that isn't felt back. It only makes the pain harder to bear. And then the thought of him finding another. Touching her they way he used to touch me. Kissing her, loving her and slowly erasing me. It is so painful to think of this...and there is a good chance that is something I will have to cope with. It really hurts that he is fine thinking of me with another...probably because I won't jump into any relationship for a long time and by then he will have someone and I will have no meaning anymore. It's really hard being at work because I keep crying, but no has noticed yet. He thinks I'll get over him eventually. Not really, more or less just learning to cope with him not being mine and eventually that he is someone elses's. This came at a good time for him because he is hoping to go to collage soon and there will be plenty of entertaining artistic females there for him. Smart, beautiful and mature females to lure his little heart in. This time next year I will have lost him...or I wouldn't want to know him anymore because another woman has what I probably will never have the priviledge to reclaim. It's so funny that when we were together we were both so upset with the other having friends of the opposite sex because we didn't want to lose each other. Now I'm just jelous and alone because he is now rid of me though he told me to never leave him. I won't leave him unless I feel it is nescessary.
I like it how he stepped out when we were finally getting things working. Our arguements were more understanding and more equal. We were communicating better and getting along for longer periods of time. We were maturing together and thinking of what to do with our future. Thoughts of going to Europe and living in a house together and maybe allowing things to progress into that family crap. Dreams, a boy's big imagination with an infatuation. Now nothing is certain outside of having to move back home into a cubical across from my parents while he gets to enjoy a life without me. I wouldn't mind sharing a life with him that could have finally changed into something better, but it is best if I back down. No one wants an obsessive friend.
There is something pervertedly wrong with me which will make getting over him more difficult. We are both horny, but I'm too depresssed to go to extra means to try and pleasure myself (really I'm starving for him. I love the way he touched me and how good he made me feel). He doesn't care where he masterbates and last night he was doing so right next to me. I shivered and felt very aroused. It bothered the Hell out of me because if we were going to be sexual with each other, I would have the opportunity to enjoy his member. He offered but sex without meaning is cruel. I prefer love making to just fucking. I want these feelings to go away. I want to be happy for once. I'm sick of having to suffer especially when my biggest temptation sleeps in the same bed as me. Teasing me with touching and masterbation.

On a different note, I might not have a docter's appointment next week which will be a plus, but I'll have to get it done and over with sooner or later. I wouldn't mind waiting until my body was a little more presentable.
I don't have much left to say that isn't about my problems. I started my photography courses lastnight. Introduction classes are generally monotonous. My teacher is nice, the class room is too bright and I think I might be the youngest in my class. I already have an assignment due in 6 weeks, however, it sounds easy enough to accomplish by then. I want to study my ass off without forgetting about my other obligations. So little time outside of work. So little energy and mental capacity to accomplish anything.
MAPS
Pack up
I'm straight
I'm not
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you

Made off
don't stray
well my kinds your kind i'll stay the same
Pack up
don't stray
oh say say say
oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you
~The Yeah Yeah Yeah's

2006-01-07T22:09:00.000-03:00

Does one crawl for the sake of love? Does one suffer to show there deepest feelings for another? Will the remnants of strength bring someone back? Can love prove to be stong?

In Memorandum of Saline.

2006-01-07T03:02:00.000-03:00

I feel bad that I forgot to put this into my last entry, and really should have written this last Friday. My 3rd grandmother (no real relation, just indepth admiration of her character) passed away and I feel it to be respectable to leave a memorial in my blog for her.
Saline, The Salt Lake Queen
"In a prehistoric dried-up lake,
A million years after the last earthquake,
There lived a little girl who loved to bake.
The only thing she made was cake.
But all she used was salt.
That's all she had.
It's not her fault.
Saline, the salt lake queen

She used a rudimental substance for
An ingredient that she could pour
Into a chalice she carved out of stone.
Her only friend, it was a big black crow
That flew with love.
He would fly high above.
Then look back at her below.

Oh Saline
Only seventeen.
Swollen up with pride.
Oh Saline

Under desert skies.
She's a bromide.
She makes green fire in a tunnel of thorns,
And she's got yellow eyes.
She cook alone amid a brutal ruin.
It's hard to tell exactly what she's doin.
An incantation, then the crow flew in.
OOO-oo-oo
And then she took a taste.
The black crow looked into her face

Saline the salt lake queen."
~Rasputina
I know this song isn't relivant to who she was...though she lived alone with her dearest pet. I thought of her when I heard it, and it has her name so this is how I shall have her memorandum.

The Life That is Killing Me.

2006-01-07T01:50:00.000-03:00

I love you, but I'm just going to stab you in the heart for the 5th time. You should be used to it by now dear. What? You want to stay by my side? Silly girl. You are vile to look at not to mention a torture to live with. Why would I want you? You are sick all the time and boring, not to mention too needy. I want to go out all weekend long and get pissed out of my head. Way more entertaining then fixing this problem you assume we have. I don't want you. Problem solved. Pain? You seem to always feel this pain. I'm sorry you are such a miserable wretch. Darling, that is FAR from my fault. I didn't force you to love me. You just have attachment issues. Please desist from crying and playing these silly blame games. I'm sick of your petty childish behavior. There's the door. Take your cat and leave.

I believe that I am going to saw off a limb or take a carving knife to my chest. My stress level is through the roof and sleeping pills won't even put me to a decent rest. When will I have the priviledge to enjoy my life? I have been trying to change or solve as many of my problems as I can but there is no clear sky in sight. I'm not expecting everything to instantaniously get better, because I know that is impossible. I am going numb, and I'm hoping for a coma...or anything so I can I take a break from this Hell. I am seriously trying, but I want to see anyone do mental work when they are worn to the bone. I know others have had it worse then I have, but I am still suffering. To make things worse, I have no one to turn to for help and strength. I have one friend and they have a life of there own (and he has had issues with helping me to begin with). I feel so trapped and alone.

We needed to talk. It was so awkward to see him. Words were exchanged that were hard to swallow. He pulled me close to him, "Just stay with me." He held me tight and kissed my head. I was trapped and didn't know what to feel. Tears poured from my eyes. It was a comforting but very forgien embrace. I needed a human touch. Some form of comfort. Now alone in misery.
"Just don't leave me..."

Hello, I'm Not Actually Here Today.

2005-12-28T13:17:00.000-03:00

I feel like a disaster. Pain here and there, sick, stressed...late in the blood department (only by two days, but that is sort of bad for me because my body is generally is a day or two early or right on the 26th...). Thankfully I only have to work two days this week. A bad pay check is on the way, but why should that worry me? Oh right, financial instability. I want to be motivated into completing tthis lengthy work project, however, my mind hasn't been around for weeks. Things will be fine in my head if something gets completed this week (or several things).
Why do people feel obligated to tell me I'm "too" skinny? For one thing, I'm a size 6, and I have a fast motabolism (I haven't been fat...but that will change eventually. Women always get screwed in the body department.) A guy I know who says he wouldn't "fuck a fat chick" (quite frankly, I do not like his tounge), bitches about me being a too skinny female. I do not care about what he says because there is a good chance he doesn't care about my existance but is jumping on the bitching wagon. My lover keeps talking about this really sexy body I could have if I could gain the weight and work out. I can't work out because that would just add stress because the new year is the begining of two new projects and hopefully the end of one...(maybe two). Men drive me batty. Actually, it's not just men, but since I am complaining about a comment made last night infront of two other people (who thankfully didn't voice any opinions what so ever, though I know one wanted to). I like being skinny for the reasons that I look grotesque enough (I'm skinny, I'm pale...I look like a sickly being...who has something more then the common cold...) to keep majority of the male population away (I really do like men, until they decide to make the moves on me. Older men really seem to like me seeing as I could have lost my virginity at age 15 to a 19 year old who was all googly eyed at me...then his 18 year old-soon to be 19-best friend started chasing after me).
What can I do to make this dread go away?

The The has such pretty melodies. Less preachy then I remember. Naked Self is relaxing, delightful to the ears. I have been waiting to get this album for so long. A good buy (I hate wasting money on albums I can't even stand to listen to once...I have made that mistake several times because I want an album from certain bands and I look for one that has familiar songs on it and I'm still disapointed. I only knew Global Eyes, and I have liked The The's past work. I'm not disapointed). Hopefully some lighter music the Rammstien and Skinny Puppy can make it's attempt to keep me in a better mood then I am trapped in.

Damnation.

2005-12-22T13:47:00.000-03:00

After this weekend, I can breathe. Really, I cannot say if it will be from joy because of the ending holiday, or if it will be from agony. I am sick as per-usual, I am lost on what I am doing at work and I am fighting with someone I love. Someone who I won't get to see, tough or talk to until Tuesday and who I wanted to spoil last night. I would give him my world, or anything I could bring to him to show what he means to me, but I hurt. This pain is because this downward spiral in my life will never stop. I have to lose him, I have to be miserable, I have to be alone. I am never allowed to keep those who make life so wonderful. It has always been that way for me. I just can bare to lose him. I know the end will come and there will be nothing we can do. I have made his life difficult and the thread is wearing thin. To lose eyes so sweet, lips that kiss me, a being who has actually loved me. It has been so hard to believe that someone could love me, and there is where I have made things worse. I do not want gifts, or to see my decrepide grandparents. I do not want to be surrounded by my family of lies and torment. I want to crawl into bed with the man I love and never leave his side.

Angora Sweaters For All!

2005-12-20T16:49:00.000-03:00

Christmas...winter...people everywhere...I am not a fan of December at all. Currently I have a back pain which occupies most of my spinal cord. I am bblaming that on how I sleep, but I don't understand why it is happening now because I always sleep on my side and my figure hasn't changed that much. It all started out after leaving my office room to do whatever I needed to do and a couple steps outside of the door, *crack, crack, crack*. My back has done this for a month but now it remains a stationary pain that can't be cracked. It has further assisted me in my long nights of small amounts of sleep. If only lobotomies were still legal in North America (hmm...I'm actually not sure of Mexico. I only know everything North of Mexico doesn't do that proceedure anymore. Thankfully so. The USA deserved to have that form of therapy taken away because of the continuous abuse. Canada and Mexico I have no knowledge of).
Other problems...Christmas wrapped in all it's greed and pointlessness (I am more willing to follow portions of Satanism then any "God" appeasing religion, and people care more about wants at this time). You can celebrate my birthday if you want but ignore me all together at Christmas. I need a lot of things, but everything is too expensive to say when asked for what I want. I need a professional camera, if digital, a picture printer. I need therapy, piano lessions, a workshop, TIME (not the magazine), a high school diploma, more living space, a bed that is just one bed (queen size or big enough to fit two people and not two matresses that vary in age, height and comfort). I need music programs for my laptop to be able to create actual songs and cd's (I don't have a lot of money, but I am trying to get my future established and a computer in any form was needed, but a laptop doesn't take up too much space and is travel friendly). If there is anything I want...a tattoo (my wings). Apparently that isn't a present, but it would be cheaper in the end then all the crap I am getting. Actually...I need work shoes. Mine have expired (rotting in an office building. That should only be left to food left in someone's desk, things that end up bottle/can recycling bin or the minds of workers).
Oh and I get to visit my family this weekend. Parents and relatives. I get to be called an anorexic, told how I should dress and turn on a fucking light (my grandmother has decided to continue treating me like a baby), how ugly my eyebrows are, and anything else my family can drag out. When they team up is when I want to go and hang myself in the basement. I want everyone to understand that I am actually boyfriendless, and my male friend is more of a lover then someone who takes me out on dates...but I won't mention the lover part. I appeased my religious grandparents on the weekend because I am so sick of explaining myself. So they had to have a picture taken of me and my so called boyfriend. Neither will be good because I was talking in the first one and the second one consisted of me laughing as he held my limp arms up. Oh well. I'm not going to change my appearance for people who make me (remain) miserable and for a holiday without any meaning to me. I'm going with my un-lady-like eyebrows, my "gothic" make-up, and black cothes (unless I can dress up as a 18th century burlesque house whore or a witch with my black cat). I'm going to sit with my sister and cat as much as possible and get her to be my body guard.
Do you know the best way to start off the new year? I know how because I get to experience this refreshing start to my new year. I get to have a full body examination. I don't know if my breasts are getting checked (can they even fit into the machine?) is included in this package, but getting a pap smear sure is! You can almost feel my sarcastic excitement growing! I don't get a raise in my pay, less stress, or financial stability. I get to have my sexual organ violated by a professional again. And before this year ends I get to have a blood test (second one this year...how eventful). Brain analysis, blood analysis, perchance a boob check, a cunt analysis and a bodily look over all over the next bundle of weeks.
My rant should come to a close before I waste too much time. Gudentag.

"All My Useless Ideals..."

2005-12-15T15:19:00.000-03:00

I hate myself. I think that is important to announce, though it was most likely obvious. I am continually miserable and all my little problems are getting in the way of my love life. Smothering myself sounds more appealing then trying to do work at my job. That should be the basis of stress/anxiety councelling. "Never allow your problems to destroy your friendships, and relationships. You will only feel worse in the end without the people you love who tried to support you." I am the roof of a building and I only have one supprot beam...how sad. If my support beam goes away, I get to hit the ground instantaniously (no back up beams...I think I had those once before). Reasons why I don't get involved with people to begin with, I lose them so easily. I am really surprised he has stayed with me for so long...I really don't deserve him. He can either choose to deal with me or run while he still has the chance. I don't see any reason for him to love me and I will only continue making his life miserable. I have been trying to get better, but that keeps becoming exceedingly difficult. I don't get a decent amount of sleep, I don't eat right, I allow my problems to build up, I damage everything at the same time when I am the most down...so I am in my downward spiral again. Third time this year, but I'm not allowed to go to the hospital and hide...I have to stay in this Hell and find my own way out again. That is so fucking difficult to achieve so if he leaves, I'm going to give up. I'll quit my job, move home and live in a hospital until I can cope with life again.
Days like this make me wish I had a drug addiction so I could make the world go away.

In Ihrem Spinne Netz.

2005-12-14T14:16:00.000-03:00

I berate myself it seems. If I wasn't Skeletor, Queen of the Skinny Bitches and actually had more flesh, apparently I would have the perfect body. Good to know...so should I eat beyond my means to try and attain this? No thanks. With any luck, I would just get a budha belly and have stick arms and legs. Work out? Sometimes I can barely walk when I am wearing my boots and carrying a bag (and all those layers of clothing). I prefer looking like a corpse. Keeps the men away. I do not wish to be oggled, but regardless of how I look it happens anyway (a perfect body would make it worse).
Some strange affair lays before me. A request that I have problems following. It is like being asked to kill your best friend so that the person requesting it doesn't have to look at them anymore. I do not want to get involved, but I am the center of it all. The person who wants something wonderful to come of this expects me to be a seductive creature who takes charge, when I am really an awkward and not so sexy person. I think it would be more enticing to seduce the guy at work who winks at me or my future brain analyzer. Everything is more meaningless when you don't care about the person...but then the whole act of intimacy becomes just as meaningless.

Dieser Hölle zu entgehen würde uns von der Zerstörung speichern.
Stuck in a rut. Busy but not. Mentally gone as usual. I am getting a psychologist soon, starting classes next month, trying to finish other work all over the place so when I slip on my numb suit, all I do is sit and feel the stinging pain throughout my body and stare off into oblivion. He doesn't understand my numb state. It is pretty much an overload and shut down of my body. It happens every so often and I don't want to do anything when it this state. Total apathy. Don't want to move, don't want to feel anything, don't want to be pleasured, just want to sit and feel numb. It generally occures after enjoying myself while being depressed. Recently it happened. On Friday, we had two friends over and I got to laugh and enjoy their company. Earlier that day and when I was alone or thinking too much during our companies visit, I felt so useless and like my life was wrong. My real self is in some coma and I don't actually have blue hair, problems and sorrow. I don't actually do drugs, fuck boys and crave girls. I am a good girl trapped in a coma, dumb and loved by friends I have...but I don't have these friends anymore. I have blue hair and I have more problems in my life then I want to deal with. Since I felt all this, when they went away I became numb. He had no clue what was wrong even though I tried to explain (something I am horrible at). Since he believes he knows everything already, he won't bother to read this. Somehow I can always articulate my thoughts a lot better when I type them out.
This weekend should be nice. I get to drown my thoughts with Absinthe (really, I should have huge problems with drugs, alcohol or other coping with life habits, but I have more control then I want) and have the opportunity to be social, though stupid. Seeing as everyone else will feel and behave the same, I have no problems misplacing my intelligence for an evening. The next evening I will be treated to free food. However, family is involved and apparently, they have adopted my male companion whether I like it or not. Good to know they like him and believe that I have a lovely furture of marriage and parasites (babies) ahead of me. I have given up on the idea of children. Of course I won't feel hung over which is delightful. Absinthe is very dangerous...(last time I got up and felt fine. Pissed out of my head the night before, but no problems with pain the next day...outside of the hunger and ulcer in my stomach). Sunday is a mystery of course...
There is a Hippotamus in everyone's head (I know the actual term. Hippotamus is just more confusing and relivent to what I was talking about lastnight). He makes you hungry, and when you turn thirteen, he goes crazy! He controls the pubesent pit in your torso. Smart little monster.

Küssen Sie mich merkwürdiger. Lassen Sie meine Schmerz mit Ihren weichen Lippen fliehen. In mein Bett und ziehe krieche mir Ihr Vergnügen ein. Ich wünsche Sie und muß Ihnen glauben so schlecht. Ich bebe am Gedanken des Habens Sie aufwickelte zwischen meinen Beinen, umfaßt in der Freude. Mein Geheimnis und mein Meister. Ich wünsche Sie so schlecht.

I Can Almost Hear You Scream.

2005-11-29T19:32:00.000-03:00

Quitting day has risen yet again. I want to keep track of things this time. To be free of this addiction, one has to be strong and outlast withdrawal. Every addiction has adverse withdrawal if one needs to quit. It makes caving that much easier. Emotional instability, irritability…life. Living in a daydream and having to fall back into reality.
Up here, the snow flows upwards. It seems as though it isn't tainting the world below, but clearing itself up and out of sight. What goes up must come down and soon the cold glitter reaches the ground. It prohibits me from breathing as I walk the streets, like a hand gripped tightly around my neck. I'm lucky to grasp some air to carry on. Faint from the struggle, I embrace the warmth of the disaster where I reside.

I cannot seem to keep focused at work. I keep waiting to hear back from others through email and I write in my blog every so often. A break would be nice, but no one gets paid to enjoy life (unless they live the easy life…those bastards do not know what struggle feels like!). I need a new job…I might be out of a job because of the snow globe situation at work. Don’t understand? Take a snow globe, turn it upside down, shake it and watch the flecks of ‘snow’ fly about. My company has lost a lot of people and others are being moved around to make space for others. The paper is flying and I get to be in the middle. They have no place for me yet. Everyone seems to like me, the young blue haired business woman (another woman has pink hair and I came here with blue hair). Who knows…

Ehem…Christmas. Why should I care? Everyone else can care for me. The only thing I like about this season is TASTEFUL lights. Plain old lights in the treetops. That is all…the snow makes the world look a little more interesting which is also nice. I remember last year when I went sliding down a steep hill on my ass. Quite a delightful evening. I was with a female I adored and we saw a big old owl at the top of a tree. We went to see the lights earlier in the night. Some things are worth remembering. I would hate to forget any memories that were very enjoyable. Christmas has never been one for me…as well as my birthday, though this year it actually brought a smile to my face after the tears went away. Candles and kisses and all the mushy crap that woman love (wow actual romance in my life…how awkward).
A side note to Christmas this year, my lover (?) is going away. I get to be alone in a house I hate living in, spending the worst holiday feeling lonely. At least if he was there, we could be Christmas hating cynics together. Oh well.

Mirror Of Broken Souls.

2005-11-23T14:01:00.000-03:00

A project of which my darling thought of and handed off to me involves a mirror. A big heavy mirror (I probably percieve it as heavy because I and weak and it is probably 45% my weight. Sad, I know). He dropped a cinder block on it and we pieced it back together, and bought some paint. It took me hours to clean the glass, strip the plastic wood (so the metal paint would eventually seep into the wood, given enough layers), paint in between all the cracks and layer the paint to turn darker of the two colors. I think it is looking fairly nice, though it does need 1 or 2 more paint layers. Darling asked if I was going to put any designs along the frame. I thought before of putting some crushed flowers along the frome, but painting something on is a little more durable.
Sad thing is...there is no safe place for it. Leaving it in the livingroom was a bad idea because the cats paw at it (broken glass+not overly reliable glue+curious cats=tiny pieces of glass all over the house...and we cannot allow that). Hopefully we move soon...

While working on the mirror over the weekend, Mein darling came to me and asked where the cats were. After several minutes of searching we found...one. The other on was nowhere else in the house. I placed all the noises I heard together to see if it was possible the missing cat made a great escape out of the house altogether. Someone who was visiting us went to the washroom, I remember hearing them go up the stairs. They left the door open. 2 minutes later the irresponcible (there is more to this remark...like spending all our rent money on the party life...which goes all weekend long and includes pick-up women) landlord walks in, talking loudly on his cellular phone. Oblivious to a black cat sneaking out the door into the dark. After searching the house. My darling and I grabbed flashlights to see if we could distingiush our black cat from the several living in our community. I was out in the front and Something came running towards me from out of the bushes. Thankfully it was my black cat. Very loyal animal, but highly devious.
Sadly enough, I knew damn well that this event would happen sooner or later. No one closes our door when they come to visit us, and our landlord lacks a brain. I wrote a note on the door when I first moved in saying that I would highly appreciate if our door was left closed (there was also a dog living there at the time, but he hung himself last month). Everyone laughed at me and the note was thrown away. It's nice to see people respect me...I am so respected I might as well just dream of bad things to come because so many mindless people will keep them from coming to being.
As stressful as my life is, I am hoping to take a collage course (an evening type collage course) on photography. Seeing as I have ultra low expectations of myself, instead of giving up on my future completely, I am trying to better myself. I actually want to use my collage fund on black and white film developing equipment. Expensive...but course will at least assist in my knowledge of what I am doing instead of having myself waste money on equipment I have limited knowledge in...

I Don't Want You To Be Someone Else For Me.

2005-11-22T14:01:00.000-03:00

Things have remained complicated for me, but the strain is slowly lifting. I have a few projects that have at least reached the start line, some are over and done with, and some are near the end. Yesterday I broke down. I was lifted up by a loving hand (it claims it's loving status, but love is something I become a toy over...and eventually I will break again...words are so decieving, especially when you invest in their meanings towards others). I have needed help for quite sometime, but feel that no one has the time for me to keep me going, let alone breathing. My darling has been trying to save me, but after confessing their love for me, all I can do is wait. I worry that it is just another phase. Another temporary admiration.
With all this adversity and drops in sanity, I will either come out a strong and radiant person, or I will collapse. I do not have any will, but I do have someone else's wings. Collapsing is a dominant result, to the point of pulling myself together would just be a waste of time, but I am trying to listen to the 'I love you's' to gain whatever strength is needed to appease this person with my life. Being needed by one person leads me to feel empty, but it shows that out of all those whom I have come across in life, one actually believes I am worth saving. This is where the 'I love you's' start to hurt. If things spiral out of control, if I lose all the 'I love you's', if these wings deteriorate...where do I go? There would be nothing for me to do. My mind set is generally hopeless, but I have been through it all before. I am trying to better myself and the one I love, but it is so hard. After years of the same thought patterns, one's mind has much difficulty in trying to escape. To change.
Things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better...hopefully...

Oh Lyllianne...

2005-11-16T13:27:00.000-03:00

"Pain and misery always hit the spot..."
The most important pieces of the puzzle in my brain can hardly be found sometimes. I have so much piling up around me and no time or energy to invest in as much as I sould be doing. Work, sleep, work, sleep, insert food when needed. When I decide to do something enjoyable, I wasted time for work. I constantly work all day and never fell like doing the work that needs to get done at home. My desk is binders, papers, maps. At home everything important is placed away because I am to mentally exhausted (physically is finally stepping up to the plate to join my mind) to put the effort needed to accomplish this work. If I could condition my body and mind to insomnia, with energy boosts, continually until...everything is complete...I would probably die before I reach completion, but my efforts will not go unnoticed.
Hooray for being slightly more awake in the morning...boo to sexual depravation. The only reason I'm not sleeping on my keyboard is due to sleeping earlier and neglecting my darling. No can can be expected to be happy if the ones they care about most cannot be worked into their schedule.
Back to the dreary world of work, work, work...

Anguish

2005-11-14T18:58:00.000-03:00

The world believes that I am a whore. The world believes I am stupid. There are so many depricating things the world believes about me. I'm sick of listening, believing, torturing myself because I cannot be apart of the human race. Fuck you. Fuck those who bring me down and those who try to control me. Mind games are for the weak. Let me be or I will destroy you. Bring me down to the level of scum and I will make you eat the scum you love, and drown in miseries you deserve. Think you are superior? Confront me with your being and I will make you crawl like the worm you made of yourself. I do not give a shit of these pitiful societies and I am hoping to leave it all and hide away in the shadows and crevases of society. Every human, including myself, is scum. We are all the same. Living beings with the power to destroy as we please. To hurt, to love and to corrupt as we please. Some of us are just lucky to be born blind and to stupid to think indepth, and some of us are lucky to be continually happy. To live is to suffer great agonies and not crawl. To be stong in your own being because you can take any nightmare before you. Does anyone care of all the beauty that is around them? If you have eyes, why choose to be blind? If you have ears, why allow only the noise of humans to enter your mind?
If this offened any obscure person who happened to stumble upon my blog, I am venting. Take as much to heart as you please or actually think about what I am writing.

Civil Men...

2005-11-09T16:28:00.000-03:00

Chaos. I man I work with says I am like a "God" in the sense that I create clarity out of all the chaos that surrounds me. Right now my relationships are in the twisters grasp and quite a mess is forming. The love of my life, my soulmate, the keeper of my heart is hurt, I am losing friends and gaining those who have not even begun to know the depths of my mind.

JUDAS
Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up you mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don´t just stand there and
shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfil
Your wildest ambitions
And I´m sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
~Depeche Mode
I love this song. If you want sincere love in return you have to earn it. If you want to keep someone you love, you have to prove your loyalty.
I think that I am just some object. Men call me cutie like I'm expected to like it, and it is like they demand I talk to them. "I complemented you, now talk to me. Allow me to wander up you skirt, and down your blouse. You are no human dear. Just a place I can slip my dick into." Allow me to continually lose faith in society. I need to find a really fancy ring and claim that I am happily married.
The tornado cannot last forever...